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I see this often... Don't mean to be dense...

But is it: A) You are both making efforts at R, but the WS doesn't quite fully "get it" yet? or B) You think you are both making efforts at R, but the WS is actually still deceiving you?

For me it was B. I was under the premonition that both xWW and I were wanting and working to R, but in fact she was just playing along and continued her A

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 9:54 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

In my case it was also B. WH and I were -- so I thought -- working on reconciling for THREE YEARS when I found out that the entire 3 years, he'd been hanging out on online dating websites. He just never really stopped looking for the next more-exciting person, and blamed it all on me for not living up to his expectations. Frankly, I think he found having his affairs to be so exciting that nothing I could ever do would've been enough. But he didn't want to lose me either since I was apparently good at taking care of a lot of other aspects of his life (finances, cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc).

So, yeah, I equate "false R" with "pretend R".

For me it was A and B. We've addressed B, while he ended things with OW on d-day#1 he was still hiding things to "protect" me. When I figured that all out I considered the 3 months prior as false R, with a 2nd d-day.

Now we are working on A. I'm not sure he will ever fully "get it" though.

I would consider true R as both making efforts, the WS carrying the brunt, true remore and not one ounce of bullshit to be found ANYWHERE.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 10:56 AM, September 19th (Thursday)]

Thanks for the input so far! Perhaps a bit different for everyone?

I'm not sure he will ever fully "get it" though.

So very true... This disheartens me greatly.

...not one ounce of bullshit to be found ANYWHERE.

Don't I wish... (and I must add: on pondering this quote, I had to laugh out loud.... funny that the OldCow doesn't want anymore bullshit... yep, I'm losing it. Definitely looking for any reason to laugh today.) Thanks.

funny that the OldCow doesn't want anymore bullshit

Lol! Love it. From now on the word "Bullshit" will mean so much more

What about when the WS does some things to try to connect again, but neglects or just doesn't know how to do the hard work of looking within to understand what led him to abandon his beliefs and morals?

What if they don't get that part, and continue to rugsweep?

For me, "false R" was when X returned home to live and pretended to be married again, all the while trying in vain to take the A back underground.

TBT, (truth be told), it was one of the highest levels of deceit I've witnessed in my whole life, because he knew what I wanted more than anything and messed with my head repeatedly.

ETA that

And, FWIW, this is what finally led me to file papers against him, though part of me died to do so.

The questions from fightingback seem two-fold from my POV. If he honestly "doesn't get it", that may be real and not false...if he is rug sweeping, that's not cool and not the same thing as "not getting it".

If he rug sweeps I tend to think he does, in fact, get it, because otherwise, what's to put under the rug but lint do you KWIM? Rug sweeping in my experience and some friends isn't a good sign of "True R".

So, in my experience, it is more along the lines of B.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:59 AM, September 20th (Friday)]