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Well said, Clarrissa.

My fww mentioned something about all the OM and what attracted her to them. Sometimes we humans tend to exponentially romanticize attractiveness in those we do not really know. I think that happens because we do not have as much knowledge of their unattractiveness to blur their attractiveness. I suppose all WS's have to be attracted to something in order to move forward with an A.

Deep deep down, I believe there is one of my fww's OM that she would have ran off with into the sunset if he would have taken her. She has never said anything bad about him and I found out latter she bragged about him to her friends long after he was gone.

Because of my schedule, I will not be able to get to MC for a couple of months, but I would suggest the same for you. In MC I intend to dissect why I feel like she is settling for me instead of choosing me above all others.

Good luck and peace.

Maybe my take is different, but what about him rang "sweet" in her observation ?

It could be that he was listening to her, responding compassionate etc.

That said he crossed the line for sure. But something sweet touched her.

Now my Wh serial cheater, justifies everything and blame shifts. I have met respectful kind men that first and foremost displayed kindness towards me. That didn't give me the right to break marriage vows, but saw something I liked and valued in another man. Something I longed for in my man.

I don't know your back story, but she didn't say he was a hot man, he was sweet. That would make me wonder how you could put the " sweet" in your description. Just sayin... No accusations, it is perception.

What is "her" description of sweet?

If he, as the OM, isn't allowed to be "sweet" because he's an adulterer, then she also is not allowed to be "sweet" or "pretty" or "generous" because she was unfaithful, too. She can't desecrate his character without destroying her own. There was a demon inside her that has to be exorcised, but if she herself is the demon, then why try?

At one point early on my wife actually said "If he's such a bad person what does that say about me then?"

I agree with Clarissa this is very much about a reflection of the WS in most cases.

I feel that often the broken parts of people attract each other in these situations. Not that they don't have good traits, but that their issues are what allow them to behave together in an unhealthy way.

So after the "fog" lifts people are able to see the brokenness in themselves and their AP. Sure, there are still good traits, but what matters is fixing themselves now, and recognizing that a whole, healthy person would not have gotten involved in an A.

In my H's case, he kept going long enough that he had already recognized just how unhealthy the OW was; that was part of what "trapped" him--her threats, etc. He was already way past regretting getting involved with her and had never thought she was much to begin with. It was, however, only after the lies ended that he was able to face how damaged HE was.

@Gr8

See that's just it, when I pressed her I got the ever popular, "l don't know. I don't remember."

And I would agree with the others here, this is all about her inability to see his downside as well as recognize her own issues. Her "hatred" of him, is her feeling abandoned by him.

After a whole year of this bull shit, I would have hoped wed be further along. And it only fuels my fear that we are unfixable.

I wish I could get my WH to say he hates her.. Not long ago I asked the same as you.

Ugh he said she was sweet and he felt sorry for her .. I was agast. You felt sorry for someone you barely knew but you had no feelings for someone you " loved" for 20 yrs.. I left the room to get a drink came back to our bedroom and he is snoring..for goodness sake do they have no moral fiber. How can they sleep after what they have done..

I haven't had a decent sleep since 2011...

Oh and I also get the " I don't remember".. I tend to snap back with well you remembered to fuck her in the car.., ;p

And I proceeded to pop open my favorite libation prosecco... :).. And slept in the TV room.

[This message edited by Dreamland at 7:26 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

Clarissa nailed it. Very true.

I myself once being involved with a BPD compulsive liar, the 'I don't knows' and 'I don't remembers' become a very obvious cover for the reality that there are thoughts, feelings and actions that they feel guilty about, and rather than confront the situation with some serious introspection, it is quickly swept under the rug with a couple of cheap slogans often championed by the incredibly deceitful. She clearly does not want to take full responsibility for her part to play in this, for if she was to truly acknowledge that OM was a loser, she would also need to confront her own corruption in the situation. She'd much rather paint the situation with sparkles and honey and make it out like it was just a case of really good people getting caught up in a terrible mistake.

I am way too cynical to see things in this light. People who sink so low to have an affair have made a conscious decision to sell their morals down the river. Doesn't mean they can't get those morals back, but for that particular moment in time, in my opinion, they become selfish toxic people.

To me, it is obvious that she still sees OM as a really nice guy. Whatever her reason for R, it would not be good enough for me knowing that her feelings are still so positive towards OM. You have every right to feel upset by this.

If I was in your situation, I would set some clear boundaries with WW, letting her know that I would not tolerate her 'warm and gooey' feelings toward OM. That I am not 'chop liver' and am worthy of being viewed in a far better light than a someone who enters into a relationship knowing full that they are destroying another one. That there is no comparison between you and OM, because in all the years you could have been like him and strayed, you remained faithful.

Wishing you all the best in your part to play in 'operation foglift'.

[This message edited by Heath at 9:00 PM, September 21st (Saturday)]

I don't in any way sympathize with the OM, what drives us ( the betrayed) crazy is the unanswered. Now my personality is one That doesnt lie or embellish. A white lie makes me feel as if the person can see right inside my soul and know it it is a stretch. Therefore lying isn't an option for me. The problem I have with lyiars is EVEN if they somehow get by with it, don't they know in their heart they did it and lied. That in itself is mind boggling. I have more respect for my own personal integrity and value as a person, wife, mother and friend. So why lie, why risk everything?

I hope you find peace and resolution in your relationship. It is an honor to have a man that respects and strives to create a better relationship. Peace my friend, you sound awesome!

If he's such a bad person what does that say about me then

a few weeks after Dday I asked my husband if he hated OW#1. He said he didn't hate her, but he hated what she did... he has never said a disparaging word about either OW, and I suppose he can't because the same adjectives would apply to him.

you know, I am a former wayward and I deserved some of the things people call the OW that I can't say on this forum, I really did. it doesnt' bother me. I'm not that person anymore... but hell, recognize that you (waywards) were, indeed, that person. And you were stuck in the exact same mud as the AP. So what. just admit it. A year later with growth, health and clarity this shouldnt' be a problem.

JMHO...

[This message edited by rachelc at 2:53 PM, September 22nd (Sunday)]