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I hope this doesn't come off as insensitive to my BW or other BS's. The reason I'm even writing this is because the way I'm feeling right now is due to the immense amount of distress, hurt, anger and pain I know I have caused her. I hate myself for making her feel this way. I would do anything to take her hurt away from her.

Anyway, even though we WS's have brought this hell on ourselves and our spouses it does not change the fact that if we truly regret our actions and truly want to R, the hurt and pain is deep for us too. In my own case I feel helpless to be able to help her. She will not let me. I hear lots of people here say "just hold them when they cry". I would love to do that but she detests me and will not let me put a finger on her. I sit at work and can do nothing. I can't eat half the time, I can't focus, I can't do anything but think of her. She rarely texts me back and if she does it is in anger. I am completely alone in this and have no one. I'm having thoughts I should not have and thoughts that scare me. I just want to sleep and not ever have to get out of the bed.

I realize a lot of BS's probably think that we deserve our pain and it's good enough for us. They are right but it really sucks to have to go through this alone and have no one to talk to. I have some friends but they do not get how serious it is. They do not get how much I love my wife and that I am devastated that she may be done with me. I admit I do not have good coping skills and I am really looking forward to starting IC next Tuesday. I feel so defeated right now. I have tried so incredibly hard these last 2 months and it still feels like day 1.

Sorry for the rambling, I just don't know what to do. I am miserable knowing that even though I want to save my marriage and change from the person I was, it may not be enough for my wife. I pray that won't be the case but I fear it may be.

1bigidiot,

That's a big ole shit sandwich that we make for ourselves, isn't it? Just because we made it doesn't mean it tastes good when we have to eat it.

I understand what you're saying. I totally get it. Not a good place to be in, unfortunately.

I'm glad you're starting IC. And I know it's hard to not focus on the outcome, but try to dig deep and do the work on you. No matter how it turns out, the rest will come. All you can do right now is work on you.

I'm sorry you're hurting.

I admit I do not have good coping skills and I am really looking forward to starting IC next Tuesday.

You're already ahead as far as I'm concerned considering everything is still new right? I'm a BS and it's definitely hard to not be so nasty in the beginning and understand that your WS is hurting too. Real hurt is brought on by true remorse, that you'd seen yourself and couldn't believe who that person is. I don't think I have to be WS to know that life has given us curve balls sometimes and we all at some point have felt this way.

Please keep posting and never give up on becoming a better person no matter the outcome. If this is indeed your wife's deal breaker, you have to honor it and consider that an act of love to honor it. The same goes that if she wants R, then you do the same and honor it as a truly remorseful spouse would.

Hugs to both you and your wife. It takes a lot of time, and a lot of IC/MC.

You're not alone, you have us. Come on in and vent anytime.

I saw a post on Facebook awhile back, that went something like: "Don't get discouraged about how slowly you're running, because you're lapping everyone on the couch." How many times have I seen on SI, BSs wishing their WS would post on SI, wishing their WS would show remorse, and start IC?

You're in pain, and your feelings are valid, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Be grateful for the pain, because you can't heal what you can't feel. Self-hatred is not productive and I hope your C will back me up on that. Stop worrying about what other BSs think, including your BW. (I said "worrying," not "caring." Honor her boundaries, but realize you cannot help her, and you cannot make her love you, or forgive you, or hug you. So let go and focus on what you can control: you. Go to IC, do whatever "homework" s/he assigns. Read. Meditate. Take up a project like fixing or building something. Be present enough to your work, so you can continue earning a living and supporting your family.

In a month, or three, if BW sees the change in you, her heart may soften. But you need to "fix you" whether your M is over or not.

Hang in there.

I can relate to what you're saying at times, for sure. I've described it to my BS this way:

It's kind of like jumping off the roof of your house for no particular reason, then breaking both legs in the process. You brought the pain completely on yourself, you had no reason to jump off the roof. Not having a reason for having done it doesn't lessen the pain of two broken legs, does it? Of course not! But don't expect a whole lot of sympathy, especially from your BW. If anything, expect a lot of "What the Hell did you go and do THAT for?!"

There was no good reason for any of us to cheat. We all jumped off the roof, and have to live with the consequences.

Be glad you found SI, because it's one of the few places you are going to find support for the pain you describe, and all of us have felt at one time or another. Take care.

I can definitely relate.

It's not insensitive to identify and express your feelings in an appropriate way and and appropriate place. This is a good place for that. Many of us have BTDT. You are not alone.

I was shocked when it finally occurred to me how much I had hurt MYSELF. In the initial aftermath I was caught up in what I had done to my BH. That was horrifying and so it held my focus pretty well....until I was blindsided with the damage and pain I had wrought on myself.

Take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, exercise. Do something small for yourself each day. You have to take care of and love yourself to be ready for the work of R if you get that gift. Either way you need to care of you to start the work of healing and getting healthy.

I'm sorry you're hurting, big.