Blake;
Your comment about loving ourselves made me think about whether I do, even now. It is such a commonly bandied around concept that to love ourselves is important. And yet, I struggle with what that actually MEANS and feels like. I guess I could say that my introspection and delving into those places that hurt, is a form of self love. As well as giving up smoking in the last 4 months and exercising. Until I came to SI, I never understood that infidelity was a form of self-harm or the antithesis of loving ourselves. I just shoved those things away and tried to either justify in my mind why I did that, or averted my heart from the pain its caused ME that I valued myself so little. I never really FELT that or understood that until I read people on here like TG and UO describe it as absolutely trashing ourselves. I was a pretty child, and received many comments on how I looked growing up, especially around the time of becoming a teenager. I was hungry for father-love, attention and approval from a man who I know now was emotionally unavailable and through his own FOO issues, was incapable of real connection. I loved my dad, and would run away from my crazy mother (who had a horror story of a childhood) from the age of 2 as to try and find him, as he drove trucks. Sometimes he would let me come with him, and I did that with him up till the age of 15. I learnt to hide who I was from him, as to gain and keep his approval.I always felt nervous and hyper-vigilant around him, he wasn't the most patient of men. I think I learnt the art of hiding myself with my father, and this has repeated over and over in my relationships. I realise now that I have a deep NEED to be loved. And when I feel pushed away, or I feel ashamed of my neediness, I act out in anger with destructive behaviours. Which I now realise, could all be ameliorated by loving myself and knowing that I am ENOUGH. I think I'm slowly heading there.
Truly Sad;
Thank you for your kind comments. Unfortunately what we have done to us with our own damaged parents, can play out in our own parenting. I know how I've failed my own children, and it's painful to realise this and watch the consequences of that materialise in my children's behaviours. Not that I take the entire blame for this, as their dad has his own FOO issues that influence him in how he interacts and loves his children. So the perfect storm really.
TG,
As mentioned earlier, you are a big influence on my lightbulb moments of really getting how little we value ourselves in our choice to commit adultery. It's why I never really FELT the impact of what I had done as I was no where in the equation. That has been a huge eye opener for me, and kept the focus of trying to get to the core of it all, on myself. Thank you 
UO;
You are right. We can't protect others, when we can't even take care of ourselves. I take some comfort though in that I know now I have the courage to face myself, even if its not pretty. And with each painful realisation I am slowly starting to forgive myself. Not fully there yet.
ETA for clarity
[This message edited by ophelia24 at 4:27 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]
