SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I had mentioned in previous posts that i had decided to find a new therapist. ive been to two I/C sessions with her and it looks like i will need to look for a new therapist....again. Or freaking give up and continue self help. Here's what happened...the 1st appt is of course telling my story. I read her my list of problems I want to address, starting with lack of identity. She initially tells me I need to get a job and stop living for my husband....basically. And why has my husband not gotten over my cybersex betrayal...its been almost 3 years. feel a little confused/annoyed at this point and decide I would try another appointment in case i missed something. next time I explain that my h and I are basically living the way we had always planned, i love our life together, just want to be healthier. explained that we had downsized and I'm not working because h schedule is not a fixed m-f thing and we like spending his off time together as much as possible. I also explained that when I work I become the perfect employee, giving 200% with nothing left over at the end of the day and yeah I get an identity but its a "work" identity not my true self. And I like my life and my off time. She said that being on h's schedule was not healthy. Then she said what does h need from you to feel safe. Cybersex is not that bad. I had made a mistake and bh needed to move on from it. Wtf? While I agree with her he would benefit from i/c and i would love for bh to be healed, one of my other post on s/i made me realize i was sometimes minimizing what I did to him and it was delaying bh feeling safe. This therapist tells me its ok to minimize it and this is someone who was supposed to deal with infidelity. It really makes me want to give up and keep reading books and self reflection. Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrgggggg

[This message edited by Silentthoughts at 5:38 PM, September 20th (Friday)]

Wow... good job on not buying into her quackery. Time to find a new therapist!

You seem to be doing good without her "help". You realize that you're minimizing. Have you asked your BH what he needs from you to start feeling safe?

As for that therapist, she should read here if she wants the first clue on how to deal with infidelity. We here are the experts.

I saw an IC - once - after Day. Know what she told me? She recommended self-help books, looking on the internet for help. Well, my BH did and found this place. I can't say with 100% certainty we're reconciled but we're at least much, *much* farther along than we would be if not for the people here. IMO, these people here are the best MC/IC's there are. Because we've *lived it* and know what works and what doesn't.

I've really tried to be open to I/C again because bh really wants me to go and I felt the right one could help me go deeper. It's very difficult for me to open up to myself, much less a stranger. She told me I was too dependent on my h and i needed to look for codependency groups, and because of my alcoholic mom go to ACOA or alanon meetings...and get a job. She said that would fix most of my problems. I've thought about alanon before, just not sure I'm a 12 step kind of person and sharing with a group of strangers....noooooooo. I am going to find someplace to volunteer tho. I do need to get outside myself more, and I want to talk to bh about maybe finding a church to join.

I'm not a big fan of counseling and therapy. My H was as messed up as anybody else that year, but we learned to communicate better and learn from mistakes on our own and it has been 7 years, and we are closer than ever, with no IC or MC (I went to an IC for a short time, just to have somebody to confide in, who didn't know my H. That one was okay).

Some counselors do more harm that good. In fact my experiences with them for my family members and myself have been a lot more bad than good.

When I was looking at therapists for my son, his pediatrician said it was like test driving a car. Give it two sessions; if you don't click, go elsewhere.

So my DS ended up with the third therapist we tried. I ended up with my second; my husband ended up with his second. Just be patient with yourself AND the process. Great IC is invaluable!

Therapy can be very good. I have several over 30 years.Spread out!! I'd say maybe 2 of them were mind blowing good, 2 pretty good and I'm glad I saw them, 3 fair and 1 downright awful. Personally I think way too many people go into the field who really don't have the natural gift. But it could be a bad fit. Some are geared to counseling--problem solving others have specific modes of thought they follow. I find that the best use a little bit of everything, but also just telegraph to you that they are on your side,they are trying to immerse themselves in what it's like for you. IMHO

So, question: when you decide to "fire" your therapist, do you tell her why you won't be coming back? Or do you just cancel the next appt with no explanation? I have to bring back a book she lent me and I wonder if I should leave a note explaining why she is a bad fit for me? Or could she care less?