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Part of the legacy of any type of abuse is that once the abuser stops, we tend to continue to do their work for them. We just take right over and abuse ourselves.

Wow!!! Powerful. We also need to get used to our fighting back skills. It can seem so uncomfortable.

I get the husband raping horror all too well. My ex's parting shot to me. Told him if he ever touched me again I'd shoot him. He knows very well how serious I am. I was attacked by a stranger and it doesn't come close to a family member committing that atrocity.

Rage is such a painful companion when you have no way to release it but against yourself.

I also very much relate to the childhood sexual abuse survivor groups. I didn't fit in there either. I lacked the shame that seemed de riguer so was doubted and outright challenged. Yeah, that didn't leave a mark at all.

Even with shared misery people can be so clicky. It's really sad.

If you can start evicting the remnants of these horrible people and experiences. They no longer belong in your "home". They never did.

Part of the legacy of any type of abuse is that once the abuser stops, we tend to continue to do their work for them. We just take right over and abuse ourselves.

Please stop carrying on his abuse for him. You don't have to. You can put it down and leave it where he dropped it and find a way to heal. There are help lines and and support groups full of women who felt like you do right now.

You making a very good point. I don't know how to stop the abuse. I have been having rape fantasies... Instead of exwh being in the fantasies it's SO. They have gotten so bad that the SO in my fantasies tells me that he doesn't really love me, that I'm just a good "lay" and he likes to hurt me. Just a FYI I do share these fantasies with SO so he knows where my head is. We have not had sex and don't plan on doing so until our wedding night because he feels I'm worth waiting for.

My problem is that I don't know what normal looks like. I don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. I think I picked exwh because I didn't feel I deserve better.

Give yourself the gift of some kindness. You deserve some kindness.

I struggle with feeling like I don't deserve kindness, mercy, or grace.

[This message edited by courageous at 11:06 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Thinking about you today. Are you feeling any better?

(((courageous)))

I will try to reply to everyone it will just take me a little while. After I received the IV I was still nauseas. The prescription anti nauseas pill didn't work so they gave me a shot the shot worked but it also really knocked me out. From the time I got home from the clinic (my parents came and picked me up because I wasn't cleared to drive) I slept until 7 am today. I only got up twice to eat. I was in bed for around 16 hours!

I feel a bit better today. I still have signs of some dehydration... I.e. Dry mouth and I'm thirsty. I'm sore all over for being in bed so long. Also where I got the shot is sore. I'm still really tired and feel like I woke up from a dream so I'm a little disoriented in what was a dream and what was a reality in the last 24 hours.

Courageous, glad to hear you are home and doing a little better. Hopefully you've had a good meal by now - and a nice glass of water. :)

Time to throw out the rest of that bottle, if there was anymore left and time to start taking care of you!

((((Courageous))))

(((courageous)))

Sweetie, you have an awful lot going on right now and it is obvious you are overwhelmed and depressed.

Those commenting on getting angry have the right idea....depression is anger turned inwards. You need a safe place to release the anger. A good counselor can help you with that and many of the other issues you are dealing with, and also help you come up with a plan to start getting your life back and also, you need some help rewiring your brain (the negative self-hate worthless type of thoughts you are having.)

You are worth it, and we all know that, and we can tell you that all day long but until you feel it, you aren't going to start taking better care of yourself.

You need a plan here, and taking care of immediate physical needs is #1. You are doing that by getting help for the dehydration. You need a general physician or primary care doctor. Is that clinic your only choice as far as seeing a doctor? If so, give them a call and let them know what happened last time. Even if you were the first patient of the day, sometimes the doctor will be just getting off a night shift from the hospital and may be late. Emergencies come up. And when you have doctor's appointments, take something with you to keep busy in case you have to wait. A book, homework, knitting, an mp3 player....whatever, to make the wait tolerable.

As far as the counselor, you need to call around and find one that has experience with sexual abuse survivors. Not all counselors are equal and one that is not experienced in that area could potentially do harm even if they are trying to help. You are allowed to "interview" your counselor and I strongly suggest you do so. This is what I am in training to be, and I have actually started doing a little bit of counseling, and I would not have a problem with a client checking to make sure we are a good fit (in fact, I would prefer it; it can save a lot of difficulties further down the road).

The emotions and feelings you are having are completely normal for the trauma you have been through; however, that doesn't mean you should just ignore them and hope they eventually go away. You need to be proactive here even though you don't feel like it.

You aren't happy right now, and you are not motivated to get up in the mornings and do anything positive for yourself. What if your life could change and you could actually wake up in the morning excited about your life? That is possible, but it will take a bit of work to get there.

Start taking a few small steps towards a better life for you and your children. Even if you don't feel you deserve it right now (and of course you do, but anyway), your children deserve it.

((((courageous))))

Dont give up, dont ever give up.

YOU. WILL. GET. THROUGH. THIS.

Dont ever doubt that or feel you arent worth it.

Your worth more than you could possibly imagine and oh, btw, your worth everything to your babies.

Everything.

I know I need to start to caring more about myself. At times I am able to... other times it feels like too much effort to just put one foot in front of another. I know I am suffering from depression. I went off of ADs in the beginning of the year because I was tired of having to remember to take a pill every day at the same time. It prevented me from feeling real anger towards my ex. So when I missed a day I would have some massive anger issues to deal with.

I realize now that I am way over my head and need to get on ADs. My life has just snowballed out of control. So much is happening at once and I am struggling just trying to survive.

1. My work environment is very toxic: I work for a small company- so thenon-goddess- there is no EAP. I don't get paid sick days or holidays. I get paid barely over minimum wage. The owner and 2 employees are siblings...they are ALL bi-polar. The brother has made some comments lately like "you are hot! When I need something hot to look at I know just to come to your desk and stare at you." I know it's inappropriate I have discussed it with my boss (not owner) and he has done it to several other women in the office, plus HR is his sister.

I had a confrontation with a female coworker about the way she was treating me. It got out of hand and we had raised our voices at each other. Since then she has thrown me under the bus every chance she can. Her sister also works for the company so I have no one I can trust or rely on. The office is FULL of mental illness.... maybe that's why I fit in so well at first.

On top of the pressure of having more work than I can possibly do. I work from 47-60 hours a week... the way I work so much is I can take work home so after the kids go to bed I work more. I eat, sleep, and breath work. I push myself so hard because I feel like a failure. My coworker points out all my weaknesses all the time.

2. I need to find a new job but I don't have time to search.

3. I was divorced officially last October...... my idiot of a lawyer has yet to finish with my QDRO and wage withholding documents. He blames me for every problem and refuses to apologize for being a complete and total 1000% fuck up. (sorry to be graphic but he is!!!) After all when I called him on his lying to me he told me I wasn't being true to my word because I was not paying him. I told him he only returns my calls when I owe him money. Once again last week he messed up. He used my married name on the documents.... I changed my name a year ago. He made some snide remark about me to the opposing lawyer as he made the change.

3. I have an idiot, piece of shit ex for the father of my children. I have to retrain our children after he says hurtful and stupid things.

4. I dread sleep.... I don't know why exactly. I fear it yet I know I need sleep so badly. When I wake up in the morning I tell myself "tonight I will go to bed earlier I'm so tired." yet I don't. Some times I wake up crying in my sleep. Other times I'm afraid of something. Every emotion that I have bottled up during the day gets released upon me in my sleep and I don't have any protection against the fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, hurt, and rage. I just have to ride it out. It leaves me drained by morning.

5. My 3 year old is going thru the tantrum stage...everything is a fight with her. When she doesn't get her way... "I want my daddy!!!" My 6 year old is desperate for attention, any attention, so he does things to get his sister in trouble.

6. I live with my parents. I have no place to call my own. there are a lot of expectations for me and how i live

sooooo........ Needless to say I have had a lot of stress in my life and it has been pretty constant. There is no real ending of it soon. I'm struggling with letting people help me. To need people requires me to be vulnerable to disappoint and more hurt. I have been and still am the lost child role in my family.

http://acoarecovery.wordpress.com/2011/06/09/lost-child-family-role/

I don't think the fact I'm in a support group makes a difference right now. I tried for 2 months going to a rape crisis counselor every week. she didn't push me so I never said the R word and I never talked about it. I have never gone to counseling so I don't know how it should work. I went to a mc but she was horrible. She told me I needed to get over my resentment towards exwh for forcing himself on me.

I am good at playing the part everyone wants me to play. I can sense what that role is and I play it. I have a hard time knowing my real feelings because they are so shoved down and hidden I can't even access them when I try.

I don't know what normal feels like. I don't know what a normal relationship is like or even what normal, healthy love looks like.

@Meta- I want to put down his abuse and not pick it up but I don't know how....It has become my normal for so long that without it I feel lost. I have noticed that the things he said about me have been so ingrained into me. I admit he programmed me well. There are certain things that when are said to me or not said will get a strong reaction out of me.

I have been starved and neglected for so long.

It prevented me from feeling real anger towards my ex. So when I missed a day I would have some massive anger issues to deal with.

Yup. It is bottled up inside and that is why it is important to find a healthy way to release it. Some people find it healthy to write (not type, there is something healing about using pen and paper and writing the feelings out.) Write down everything you feel about this situation and then shred or burn the paper. Knowing you will be burning the paper allows you to be honest and not hold anything back. (One time all I wrote on the paper was f*ck f*ck f*ck about 50 times)

AD's can help depression when you are immobilized, but again, they need to be used in conjunction with therapy or some way to work thru the issues and heal. Otherwise, they are just allowing you to bottle it and bury the emotions which can be toxic.

I push myself so hard because I feel like a failure

Stop that! You are not a failure, you are a survivor! Look at what you have survived! And look at everything you are dealing with, and you are still putting one foot in front of the other. That is HUGE!

You need a new job. Stop working over 40 hours. I am sure someone will complain but so what? They are already mentally ill nutjobs and making you miserable. Let them complain. You need to spend the extra ten hours a week job hunting instead of running around on the gerbil wheel which is never going to get you anywhere.

My coworker points out all my weaknesses all the time.

Why are you even listening? When this coworker says something negative...walk away as soon as it starts. Let it be water running off your back. Why do you care what someone that is unhealthy says? There are some people you will never be able to please, but that is THEIR issue, not yours. Quit trying. Spend your time pleasing the one person that really matters. You! So next time, turn your back, roll your eyes if you feel a need to show some response (I would have to show some type of signal that I know this person is insane) and walk away.

I have an idiot, piece of shit ex for the father of my children. I have to retrain our children after he says hurtful and stupid things.

Join the club. My DD's dad is a diagnosed sociopath. The stuff he comes up with is off the wall. I have learned real well how to do damage control after she comes back from a visit. In the beginning counseling for her was very important though, but now we have both learned how to deal with him effectively.

I dread sleep...

Because your shields go down when you are sleeping. You can't control your thoughts and bury them while sleeping. That is why it is crucial to start working thru this stuff while you are awake, because your body is going to work thru it one way or another.....

My 3 year old is going thru the tantrum stage...everything is a fight with her.

Wait until you get the teenage tantrums! Ha ha, anyway, normal normal normal (but annoying!) The kids need you to be stable and consistent. In order to do so, you need to put yourself first and take care of your needs. Physical and mental and emotional. They are always going to push the boundaries and assert themselves. That's their job (some do a better job than others!)

When my DD was 5, she told me she hated me because I made her go to bed at a certain time every night. I just smiled and told her that was a shame, but I still loved her, good night! As far as the attention ....kids do need attention and if they don't get positive attention, they will go for negative. Make a chart with chores/hygiene (brush my teeth, took my bath, etc.) and buy some happy faces or gold stars.

Give them a star every time they do something on the chart. When they get 3 to 5 stars, do something special with them (doesn't have to be large....trip to the ice cream place, 20 minutes at the park, their favorite video that you watch WITH them....) That will help a bit with the positive attention.....

Not all ADs will make you feel like you are stifling your emotions. I know because I have been on several different ones over the last 15 years or so. You just need to keep working with your Dr. until you find the right one. And I agree, with your level of distress, you need IC in conjunction with any prescription you take.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

Courageous, I'm sorry to hear work is just another source of stress and toxicity for you. If you are only making just over minimum wage, that should open up your options though. Hell, a clerk at a grocery store would make that and give you access to sick time, paid holidays and insurance, etc.

I like what Naive said - you need a plan. I know from experience how that overwhelmed feeling can just paralyze you, so getting yourself a plan/list on paper is a good first step.

Finding a new dr. should really be at the top of that list - ask around but don't let that one go.

Aside from getting yourself taken care of, are your kiddos in counseling? Another thing to add to your list.

My WH A was 3 years ago now - the 1st year I was a complete mess - an unavailable mom because some days I couldn't even get myself out if bed. Behavior problems started (I have 4 kiddos) and we are just now, 2 years later, getting those ironed out and getting my kids back to being secure. Don't let those issues with your kids slide, because they will snowball.

Hang in there - make that plan! There are brighter days ahead - hugs!

Double post

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 6:23 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Regarding the job situation... Yes grocery clerks make about the same amount as I do. The problem is I have a bachelor's degree and I use to be an operations manager for a very big retail store. Unfortunately I can't work those crazy hours any more because I have kids. Also I was a SAHM for 5 years before returning to work. Everywhere I go I get the "I'm too overly qualified" speech. I recieved this job after 100 applications and 6 months of searching. It was very depressing... Out of the 100 applications only 3 gave me interviews and I even had a headhunter helping me. I kind of have to mentally prepare myself for all of the rejection.

I have been thinking about why I abuse myself so much when I have already left my abuser....I was molested by several different people during my childhood. It made me feel dirty and unworthy of being in a relationship with anyone I deemed pure. My innocence was lost. I think it is going to take me a lot of retraining to get to the point of loving myself.

The kids are not in IC. Exwh was absent a lot of their upbringing so that hasn't effected the kids a lot. I do know they sometimes are starved for their father's attention. The elem. school DS goes to has the kids visit the guidance counselor every couple of weeks so hopefully that will help me out some.

Yes I know I need to create a plan. I have found making simple decisions have just paralyzed me.

Growing up I never was allowed to be angry. I have never been taught how to healthy express anger. My entire life I had to bottle up my anger.... You can imagine what kind of damage that caused

Naiveagain... Thanks for that gerbil analogy. You are 100% right I shouldn't be working so hard. I struggle with a lot of guilty. I feel bad about not being able to get my work done even thought I'm struggling just to keep my head above water.

I think I have finally realized why it's so hard for me to find a new job..... I'm afraid.....no.... Frightened of how my boss will react when I give my two week notice so I'm putting off even looking, even though a guy at work sexually harassed me and nothing was done. Even though my work load multiplies, even though the job atmosphere is one of my biggest stressors.

When my boss talked a coworker out of quitting there was A LOT of screaming and loud noises. I ended up just shaking violently at my desk, crying, and wishing the day was over.

I know there is something very wrong with me because I'm starting to see a pattern that I get very very low each month around the same time.

I'm very ashamed to say that the night that I got drunk and then ultimately sick..... I cut myself it was the first time in over 20 years that I did that. I thought it would ease something.... I was so desperate for relief. It didn't help, it didn't change anything. The cuts were extremely superficial. They were just deep enough to draw blood but not enough to scar.

I know I need help. I tried counseling but I play such a good "role" it's hard for me to not give the right answers. I wasn't pushed to face my issues. I'm good at hiding and I haven't had good luck with counselors.

((((courageous)))) Honey. I'm so glad you trusted us enough to share what happened that night. Let go of the shame of that - acknowledge what happened, process your pain and disappointment, but let loose the shame.

I know there is something very wrong with me because I'm starting to see a pattern that I get very very low each month around the same time.

This warrants a visit to your doctor, courageous. There could be hormonal issues at play here that are exacerbating your depression. Get in there and have that conversation so you can get that under control.

Frightened of how my boss will react when I give my two week notice so I'm putting off even looking

You know you can just quit without notice, right? You don't have to give them notice. Hell - you don't even have to quit in person. And with as toxic as this office is? I wouldn't recommend doing it in person.

Sending you strength, courageous. I know it feels overwhelming right now. Just take a small bite where ever you think you can manage it. And keep posting - we're here for you.

Dear Courageous:

I've worked with and have been friends with a lot of women like you. You are not alone, really.

You have gone through a lot of abuse and it seems that your parents had a lot to do with it - (like not being available for you) you mention a lot of abuse when you were younger. Unfortunately you need your parents now for their support. Such is life for many women with children today and in the past. It's good that they are there for you now - maybe remind them of that daily - it may actually help you - thanking them and being grateful for what you have with them now.

What you don't have is of course a good ex husband (is there such a thing) and a good job. But you can work on yourself - detaching from both. You can go to work and do your job and not talk to anyone unless you have to. Don't be needy with your co-workers - they will take full advantage of that - you will be abused, so you must detach and put in your time and get your money.

You can eat well, lots of veg/fruits and water. You can work out when you can. You can take care of your health - finding different meds. And you can spend as much time as possible with your kids, making them great people. The last thing they need now is a depressed mom. Unhappy moms make unhappy kids.

So start eating well, no junk food if you are into that (I am but I know a ton about what foods do to your brain/body and now you need a lot of veg/fruit/water only). Work out - maybe even with your kids. Do yoga with them. Try meditation. Maybe even martial arts. Turn your attention to your health and your kids and thank your parents for what they are doing now to help you and try not to focus on the past, as that is what I am reading. You must look out of the windshield and not focus on the mirror behind you. Look ahead and stop reliving the past, for you will stay there. You live where you think.

Your kids need a healthy, happy, full filled mom. Be there for them. And being there for them means taking care of yourself, but not being selfish. Be grateful for anything you have now: your kids, a roof over your head, a job even if it's awful, living in the US where so many sneak in trying to get away from their own homes. Positive thinking will bring about positive thinking. I'm not being trite - if you focus only on the negative, what does it get you? Nothing good.

[This message edited by trappe25 at 1:26 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]

. Eat some breakfast and take some Tylenol to stave off that hangover

I know I'm late, but also know that more than one night of drinking may occur. So please, DON'T EVER USE TYLENOL WHEN ALCOHOL HAS BEEN OR WILL BE INVOLVED.

It is not a benign drug. It's extremely hepatotoxic, and should NOT be used to stave off or treat hangover.

If you're dehydrated and poorly nourished, the potential for damage is even greater.

Please--no acetaminophen (Tylenol or anything containing Tylenol, like Excedrin) if alcohol's been in your body or will be in your body. Stick with NSAIDs. They may irritate your stomach a bit (eat something first) but are not apt to kill you.

Tylenol can.

I watched my brother die a gruesome death due to liver disease.

No one should ever suffer like that, and one way to protect yourself is to avoid this combo.

Please try to stay hydrated. If you can't tolerate food, consider protein supplements. I vomited for months after d-day---and protein shakes, a good multivitamin, and daily exercise kept me as healthy as I could be, under the circumstances. (Walking every day, twice a day, was probably more effective than the antidepressants I took for a short time.)

Millions of hugs to you

If your work has an EAP program, look into it. They may help get you into someone much sooner and may have some recommendations.

((hugs))