Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: psully143

Reconciliation :
This is a bad idea isn't it

This Topic is Archived
default

 roses303 (original poster member #40161) posted at 7:27 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I was at my parents today and found a whole box of pictures of me and OW. In college, at her first wedding, on vacations together, with her kids, at her second wedding, with both of our families etc.

My mom said I should put them in an envelope and mail them to OW with a sticky saying "getting rid of the trash". I am so tempted and want to be rid of them but an pretty sure it would be a bad idea (although it would feel really good).

There is a part of me that really wants to remind OW of our past and everything we'd been through to make her feel guilt over what she did but it won't help,will it? Sigh.

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: roses303
id 6496314
default

Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 7:41 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

No it won't help. I get where your mom is coming from. We've all wanted to "stick it to them."

It rarely achieves the intended outcome. They consider themselves the victim, and this would be clinching YOU as the "bad guy" in her book.

These things ALWAYS end up having been an expenditure in energy that would have been better utilized doing something positive for ourselves.

NC NC NC.

(((Roses303)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6496316
default

RidingHealingRd ( member #33867) posted at 8:13 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I think it is much easier when you don't know the AP. I have no desire to have any contact with MOW.

Had she been a "friend" I would have taken the advice of your Mom! i do understand your desire to that but take the advice of Jrazz - it's the best thing to do...make her a non entity in your life. Prove to her that she is absolutely nothing, not worth a minute of your time or a thought in your head.

ME: 60 BS
HIM: 67 WH
Married: 35 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 10 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

posts: 2519   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2011
id 6496320
default

TryingEveryday ( new member #39429) posted at 8:20 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I don't know . . . there is the whole "turn the other cheek" thing. Sure. But personally, I'd send that shit over!!! There is power in dramatic statements. Yep - I'd do it!

Me - BS - 46
Her - WW - 38 (2 ONS)
Five kids:
DD20, DD18, DD17, DS16, DS16
D Day - Dec 24, 2012 -
R - 20 months and going extremely well.

posts: 39   ·   registered: Jun. 3rd, 2013   ·   location: Montana
id 6496321
default

blakesteele ( member #38044) posted at 10:19 AM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I would burn the pictures...releasing some of the pain from this experience. I think mailing it would nurture that pain.

My wifes AP is a virtual stranger to me....I simply can not imagine the pain of a double betrayal like you, and many others on here, have experienced.

God be with us all.

ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not yet incurred.

posts: 5835   ·   registered: Jan. 8th, 2013   ·   location: Central Missouri
id 6496339
default

Zayda1 ( member #35387) posted at 12:36 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I would burn the pictures as well. Don't give the OW the satisfaction of knowing she takes up space in your head.

I know it's hard. The OW in my case still has pictures of my daughter on Facebook. I'm still tagged in them. I have kept my mouth shut and not asked her to remove them. I'm not sure if it's her pathetic attempt to hang onto her AP (my WH is no longer on Facebook), if she has kept them there to tick me off or if she doesn't look at her own wall. Regardless it doesn't impact my life anymore.

[This message edited by Zayda1 at 6:40 AM, September 22nd (Sunday)]

Married 10 years, together for 12 years
2 children (9 years & 6 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

posts: 482   ·   registered: Apr. 19th, 2012
id 6496363
default

Kelany ( member #34755) posted at 12:40 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I didn't know my husband's AP's, but his LTA, I did send the watch she'd given him as a gift, after I'd smashed it in a hundred pieces, along with a letter. I didn't want a response, didn't ask for one. I just wanted to say what I needed to say. How she reacted, I don't know, don't care.

BS - Me
SA/FWH Him
DDay 1 - Jul 11
DDay 2 - Jul 12
R Dec 12

Former 80s Icon wishful thinking

posts: 2031   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2012
id 6496364
default

painpaingoaway ( member #27196) posted at 12:46 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I know the others are probably right about not sending them, but, I don't think I would be able to keep myself from it.

I am so sorry you suffered a double betrayal. I just can not imagine the pain.

((((Roses))))


D-Day June 2009
Watch my movie: "My wayward husband's adventures in STD land":
Episode 1: youtu.be/9Jv0-d_CdYc
Episode 2: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=8Tz822H82Gk

posts: 7192   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2010   ·   location: Coastal South
id 6496368
default

Mack9512 ( member #38619) posted at 2:04 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

How about making it symbolic? Burn them and then take the ashes and go to someplace that brings you peace and release them into the air. Clearing away the clutter and trash to make a new start.

Mack

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello." - Paulo Coehlo

posts: 440   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2013   ·   location: East Coast
id 6496403
default

OptimisticWife ( member #36587) posted at 2:27 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I too can understand where your mom is coming. I would be very tempted to send the photos as well but after thinking about it, I think NC is better. I agree that you shouldn't give her the satisfaction of letting her know you even think of her anymore.

Burn them after you scribble all over her face and tear them to shreds!

Your D'day is so recent and what you have been dealt is so cruel. My heart really goes out to you. I just want you to know that I have learned that the pain does get better slowly but not until you look after yourself first. I wish you all the best ((((Roses303))))

posts: 191   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2012
id 6496411
default

SadFlower ( member #37725) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

We had one photo of OW, her BH, my FWH and me taken on a dinner cruise when we were visiting them at their mountain cabin.

It gave me an immense sense of satisfaction to feed it through the shredder. I then found news clippings about OW in FWH's files and shredded those, too. It really felt good.

I would not send the photos you found to the OW. I agree with the others, NC!

Me: BW, age 71
Him: WH, age 70
Married 24 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

posts: 497   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2012   ·   location: Connecticut
id 6496420
default

SisterMilkshake ( member #30024) posted at 2:40 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

How about your dear mama sending them? Did your mama know her? If your mama sent them with a note of her choosing, I feel that would be satisfying. You remaining NC and your mama getting to protect her child and giving the interloper a shot, sounds good to me.

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

posts: 15429   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2010   ·   location: The Great White North USA
id 6496421
default

 roses303 (original poster member #40161) posted at 4:59 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Hmmm. That is an idea--having my mom send they. It is particularly galling that many of the pictures from the OWs first wedding were taken in my family home. My mom did her hair and the bridal party got ready there before heading over to the ceremony. OW didn't just betray me, she betrayed my whole family who knew and loved her.

I still don't think we'll do it. It wouldn't do any good. The fact that she pursued my husband over half of my marriage indicated that the woman has no shame what so ever. In fact last summer, while she was in the midst of the affair, we went to their family 4th of July party, at which we went through her old scrapbooks - with our kids. She know our history. She doesn't think it matters.

I really can't do anything about it except try to rewrite history and you all know how hard that can be. I must just keep repeating the mantra "it takes time, it takes time, it takes time"

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: roses303
id 6496531
default

Flowerforme ( new member #38497) posted at 7:21 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

Burn them But your mom has a wicked sense of humour...love it!

Bgf-me
WWBf-ugh
DD Aug.1/2012 with an ex gf had been seeing her the entire time we were together..

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2013
id 6496608
default

sailorgirl ( member #38162) posted at 7:24 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I know from fWH's OW's desperate emails before she was blocked that she hates having no insight into our lives. Don't even give OW a glimpse into your thought or feelings. If you do, I think she'll feel powerful and important, not remorseful.

Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

posts: 787   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2013
id 6496614
default

Blobette ( member #36519) posted at 7:55 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

It really boggles the mind how someone can live with themselves after doing this. But the right answer is to not even try to imagine, because it's true: they just.don't.care. They will not be shamed or reach an epiphany of how horrible they were. And believe me, I know the instinct of wanting them to feel shame and remorse. But if they were capable of that in the first place, they wouldn't have done it.

BS (me): 51
WS: 52
Married: 27 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

posts: 1064   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2012
id 6496631
default

mchercheur ( member #37735) posted at 10:03 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I love SisterMilkshake's solution.

Your mother could have done it without your knowledge, so it does not give OW any info about what is going on in your head.

It would, however, give OW a very strong message about what the older generation thinks about what she did.

Me: BW; Him: WH --Had 10 mo. EA/ PA with COW; Dday 5/2011 Married 35 years/Together 36 years/4 kids together, and 1 grandbaby; OW 20 years younger than us/divorced no kids Trying to R; don't know what the final outcome will be

posts: 2687   ·   registered: Dec. 7th, 2012
id 6496711
default

womaninflux ( member #39667) posted at 10:44 PM on Sunday, September 22nd, 2013

I say skip it.

One moment of pleasure is not worth knowing you aren't the more mature, rational person for the long haul.

When you are in your 80s are you going to look back and say, "I regret not sending so and so those pictures." I highly doubt it. The idea is to make her go away. Doing this is not a good use of healing energy you can use for yourself.

BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

posts: 932   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2013
id 6496737
default

OnAnIsland ( member #34319) posted at 1:44 AM on Monday, September 23rd, 2013

Burning or some other cathartic activity for you with the photos. Don't send. She isn't worth the time or postage.

It is horrible that you have to go through this double betrayal of you. Thinking of you.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful sons

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

posts: 1486   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2011
id 6496863
default

hobbeskat ( member #38805) posted at 1:00 PM on Monday, September 23rd, 2013

I hear you. Its heartbreaking. The OW is in my wedding pictures and after D Day, I actually missed her. She was one of my best friends. She was at my hen night too and I talked to her about all the excitement and fears I had about getting married.

But they were never our friends. They won't be moved or guilty. Just throw the photos out.

posts: 309   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2013
id 6497182
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy