SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How are things going?

A365

Sadly I think your biggest issue in your marriage is your wife.

I like your plan.

Since you have to wait until you can D then use that time for you to be in a better position mentally and physically.

Your wife is confused. How can she not be. She not only lies to you but to herself.

Since you are in this holding pattern make the best of it.

HM

Good morning all

Old News

1. I have tried to give my WW the benefit of the doubt

2. We have 3 therapist, his/her/ours and we have been going

New Developments

1. She lied again

2. She flew out to meet someone this weekend in a different city and I do not know who

3. She bought the tickets almost a month ago

I have proof of the flight and the lie in email where she said she would be

Now, what to do?

I was upset and angry at first but now I am simply feeling disappointed and ?relived?. I know I need to tell her that we both need to move on. My first reaction was to tell everyone, her parents, all friends, etc ‘My wife has decided to cheat and break up our marriage’ but I calmed down and thought about the future. We still need to co-parent and deal with each other at our children’s events so…

At our next MC session (next Saturday), I am planning on breaking it off. I am going to tell her:

1. Nothing about what I know about her lies and secret trips

2. We need to ‘work on ourselves so let’s stop MC’

3. Call me if she is ready to start a new

This will give a clean break and allow me to heal instead of waiting around. She is a very confused woman; she is selfish, cold, and simply needs to grow up. Adult relationship fail, but when they fail the adults are open and honest.

This closes the door but allows her to knock one day in the future. At that point, I will be in a far different place and I am certain I will not want her back.

Thanks for being here all! Now to focus on the kiddos! It’s morning and they are hungry!

3. Call me if she is ready to start anew

Consider deleting this line; don't imply that you will be waiting around for her change of mind. Tell her its over and your'e moving on and hope to find a lady who prepared to dedicate herself to you and your family.

Now you may feel differently; you might consider taking her back if she dropped her bisexual tendencies, but don't let her know this. She needs to face the end of the marriage as a result of her actions, not being free to explore her sexuality while you and the kids wait patiently at home.

I cannot stress this enough, you must not give her the opportunity to cake-eat because of indecision on your part. She has to really believe that you are going to end the marriage, even if you are holding out some hope she will come to her senses. If she thinks you are bluffing and will take her back out of fear of losing the marriage and distress to the kids, then my friend, she will continue this game of fucking up your life until the children leave for college. The she will also depart.

OkNow,

Thank you for the tip – It has been another hard weekend. For some reason, in my mind it feels worse than it truly is. Spouses walk sometimes – nothing I did, she just needed to do so for whatever reason.

I hurt for my kids, but the funny thing is she doesn't seem to hurt at all.

I need to suck it up, move on, and move up.

Your wife is gay. Period. Trying to make this marriage work is the round peg / square hole quandrum. It will never succeed.

Sorry you have to go through this. The following may sound harsh. If it is way off base, please dismiss it as gibberish from someone who had to confront his own WW's aberrant behavior. As you are not getting the truth from your W, speculation is fair game.

- This is not strictly about your W's sexual orientation. Your W does not love men... not the way a wife and mother loves her husband. She does not even really like men. However, she may not love women either. Instinctively, she pursues sex. She does not make love.

- You are not a control freak. Your wife operates at a reptilian level. It is not a matter of her being a bad person. She does what she feels she needs to do to survive (and protect her children). She acts purely from instinct. She is cold blooded. Asking her what she needs from your marriage is like asking a lizard to show emotion. They do not know what the words mean. They do not even know that your sounds are words.

- Your W wanted children and a semblance of normalcy. A nest. She did not get that from H #1. You gave her what she wanted.

- The M intimacy dropped off once she had what she came for. Few species in nature practice lifelong monogamy. She spent two full breeding seasons with you.

- The reality is that she may not even feel strong emotional attachment to another woman. Or to anything. She likely comes across as very logical, rational, instrumental, plans well, is goal-oriented. She may be good with numbers and statistics. Those traits are valuable and highly prized in some contexts. They make her attractive. She is likely well-thought of.

I am sorry that I have no advice to offer and I hope I am wrong. Best wishes.

LeopoldB,

It sounds fairly accurate – she is not a bad person but she simply lacks emotions and empathy. Life is about her, no one else.

I also believe I am not a control freak – I am simply reacting to my environment.

Bigger,

I don’t think she is gay, I think she doesn’t have a preference. She is in it for the attention and sexual need – nothing more.

All,

I have decided to broach the subject of quitting MC this weekend (while she is on her trip). I can’t keep it inside any longer. I think it is time to move on since she already has.

I also plan to tell her that I need to limit my interactions and time with her, that means no more dinners, long stop overs while exchanging the kids, or ‘special event’. I need my time to move on and heal and it will be an open wound for a while.

Finally, I am going to suggest we tell everyone. She has been keeping it a secret.

I am plan B – it’s time she is forced to make a choice.

Gently...

I am plan B – it’s time she is forced to make a choice.

Do you want to be with someone who sees you as "Plan B"?

I wholeheartedly agree with dropping MC immediately. This is for committed couples who are trying to work through their issues. Apparently, your WW is not of this mindset.

Telling everyone? That is your decision to make. Just remember that you cannot put the genie back in the bottle, once it has been opened. I believe that you should tell ones that can help be your support system, but beware of shouting from the rooftops just so people know. But I think that you already know that.

You do need to focus on yourself. You need emotional distance from your WW to gain more clarity. I agree with stopping the social activities; she wants to remain "best friends", and that is not going to let you heal right now. If she thinks that the door will be open for her in the future, then she will continue with this mindset. She needs to know that she can choose whatever path she desires, but you are only in one of them.

Call her out on her lying. Stop MC today. Show her consequences for her actions.

I spoke to WW today on the phone with full intent on breaking things off.

She lied about where she was and what she did this weekend

I called her out on her lies, told her I knew the truth and called her out on the sexting.

She admitted to lying about the sexting but wouldn’t tell me who she was talking to

She admitted she lied about her weekend but wouldn’t tell me where she was (even though I knew)

She tried transferring and stating she lied b/c of my controlling issues – I called BS.

She stated she still wanted to remain married to me

She stated she never once cheated on me, and she was focusing on herself for once in her life

I backed off dropping MC for the moment while I absorbed the discussion

Now what? We have a MC session scheduled for next weekend.

I think it is over, but I see no harm in waiting a few days

Strike while the iron is hot and move on? If she lied about something, what is to prevent her from lying about everything?

Pain and despair coming this week

a, stop asking for your WW's input. Just stop. And inform her that you are stopping and don't put it out there as if it's a matter of debate. As of right now, it isn't. She *vapored* on you and lied about it.....

edited: I had only read pg 3 when I responded. I've now read all of it. Gather your evidence -- the 1000's of text messages, her *disappearing* act without telling you where she was or who she was with....and take it to the MC session with you. Not because you want help from this MC (who seems totally ineffective), but ..... well, just because. Lay it ALL out for your WW and tell her that she comes clean and tells you what the hell she's been doing and that YOU are absolutely NOT *in* for being her *sugar daddy*.....OR you are absolutely and unequivocally DONE. At this point, she doesn't get to start bitching about you, your controlling ways, or any type of *marriage* complaints that she has. If her or MC tries to go that way.....shut.it.down.immediately.

Stop this bullshit, a.....

edited again to add: if she tries to tell you that she *planted* those messages you saw? Walk.Out.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 7:44 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

Note: I talked things out with a friend.

Clear objective for both must be R

Plan going forward: I need to lay the framework or walk.

No more texting whomever she was sexting – ever – about anything

No more travel without agreement from both of us

No more lies

She can work on her, I can work on me

She stated she still wanted to remain married to me

Does she act as if she does?

I need to suck it up, move on, and move up.

Sometimes things just don't work. You can try and analysis all you want, but it doesn't bring you any closer.

It is hard and is not your first choice, but you need to do what is best for you.

a365,

Here is the story. Your W does not want R. Your W will never truly R with you. However, it serves her purpose to simulate an R. So the only question is whether you too can take solace in a false R where you both rug sweep. This is not necessarily a bad outcome. In many ways, I wish I had chosen this scenario rather than D. You can have a very decent home life, wife, and children. It could be just as good or better than 80% of other marriages. Your W is expert at simulating a healthy relationship. Do you really want to dismiss a satisfying 80% solution with kids for a long shot at 100% that may never come true? She is great in bed. That is an asset that should not be taken lightly. She will never give you a hard time because she doesn't really care about you. There are millions of men who would take that deal and trade places with you. I say the following just as joke, but if you want to experience a 3-some with 2 hot women, she will do that for you. Just remember, you would be making a deal with the devil. If I had to do it all over again, I might just take that deal.

A page or so back you were talking about asking her if she wanted to be married to you and if so then:

3. What does she need to see in order to resume our lives as Man/Wife

4. At what point do we agree is a fair time to see those things

5. What would our future relationship look like?

See, This is all wrong to me. How about -

3. If you want to be married to me - this is what I require of a wife of mine -

I/C

Honesty

Transparency - all passwords, accesss to phones (I'm sure you are more than happy to provide the same to her) etc.

Accountablility - where she spends her time and with who

N/C - with all sexting and affair partners - whom you are entitiled to know via the trnasparency and honesty listed above

I could go on, and on about what I would require - but the point is - you are entitled to what YOU need from your W if she decides she wants to R. She is no more special than any wayward, and you are not controlling - that is bullshit fogspeak designed to make you back off and demand nothing of her. I am going to guess if you keep up the soft sell approach to R, you are going to be miserable with the type of R that you two will have.

Who cares if she tries to blame shift and call you controlling...just tell her if you were so darn good at controlling her - she wouldn't be living in a bachelor pad and having affairs. See, nobody seems to be controlling her behavior - she's the only one who possibly could ad she's choosing not to.

[This message edited by JustWow at 9:15 PM, October 13th (Sunday)]

My WW and I talked again yesterday.

She admitted she was sexting (after I disclosed how I knew)

She wouldn’t disclose who she was sexting but stated it was over and she would contact them again (I have the number)

She admitted to lying about this weekend’s whereabouts only after I gave her overwhelming proof that she was lying (she took a flight out of town)

She stated I had no right to know what she did on her weekends since we were separated

She stated over and over that she did not cheat, but only spent the time reconnecting with friends

We spoke about ending MC, but agreed to try a little longer (I suspect she will not go this week)

She said I was being obsessive and needed to trust her (yeah, after she admitted lying)

I am still in love with her, so I have a weakness

I want a whole family for my kids and I still have some hope we can work through this

I stated I would give this one more month, that’s all I had left

After that month, we need to start in on R or quit

If she lied again, I quit

If she texted again (I no longer have a way to check), then I quit

She would not agree to full disclosure (I feel something else is hiding in the closet)

She called me this morning and said we needed to talk again tonight

She said she was distressed yesterday and needed to revisit certain things (got her story straight?)

I wonder how tonight will pan out

I suspect I will not sleep again.

I am down 30lbs in 3 months (way skinny for me)

The effects are taking their toll – I need to get past this and heal

Seeing the Doc again tomorrow about meds – I think I need a little help, at least for my kids’ sake

This really sucks – all of it.

Yes, it does suck.

But...how do you FEEL knowing she is continuing to lie to you?

She is hiding a WHOLE bunch of stuff, I have no doubt.

I understand how hard it is to leave someone you love, with small children at home. Many of us have had to do that. I tried for months to get my ex to pull his head out of his ass for our family. Bottom line, he just didn't want to...and went back to cheating with men. It was a horrible decision to make, but ultimately I knew the best thing to do was to end the marriage and go our separate ways. Co-parent the best we can.

You can love her, but you also deserve love back. Not 1/2 a relationship, or one where she is doing whatever she feels like. YOU deserve to be treated well too.

She stated I had no right to know what she did on her weekends since we were separated

She stated over and over that she did not cheat, but only spent the time reconnecting with friends

My guess would be she is going to try to lie her way through those statement. Based on those two statements, she is not trying to save the marriage, not yet at least.

Hang in there.

Take z-quil to sleep and try to eat. Anything. Anything that looks good, eat it.

Could it be your wife has someone she’s confiding in?

She would not agree to full disclosure (I feel something else is hiding in the closet)

Read that statement aloud. Better yet, say it out loud while looking in a mirror. What does the guy on the other side of the glass tell you? I'm serious about trying that. Do it as an exercise. Then listen, really listen to yourself. Make sure you look him in the eyes.

EAT! Drink supplements, whatever. I was right there with you on the weight loss thing. About a 15% reduction in body weight at three months. It's not healthy. Chocolate milkshakes helped.

Strength