SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

New here just posted the gist of my story. In case you don't read it- 3 or so weeks ago my WS confessed on his own a ONS with a massage person. He immediately talked to the stake president and me and is remorseful in a seeking God and recovery way- not a pitiful me way. I feel like I can hold my head up and see if my WS's recent heart changes are real because I feel like HEavenly Father confirms this choice as a valid non-foolish choice. This is important to me because sometimes I wonder how I can stay and feel good about myself.

Also a while back someone started a rumor (true) that my h is a prn addict and we have lost friends and I have felt people are acting awkward around me- this was crushing to my heart and I have barely found my equilibrium. But I need non judgemental support, so I am here. I live in a small town and most the church members know each other and maybe too much about each other. Loved my ward- trying to love it again and see people's humanity not as something purposefully hurtful to me. I really wish- friends- someone who had heard the rumor cared enough to come talk to me- instead of avoiding me or avoiding the topic because they didn't know what to say- but then acting weird around me.

Hoping this 'new' story doesn't get out. As far as the true rumor- my h says I should just pick someone to talk to for support with living with an addict-cant make things worse.

If you read please consider replying! I'm in need of those who lift the hands of the weary and mourn with those that mourn.

I wanted to share an e-mail with you that my DD, a freshman at BYU, sent me today. A little background first. She's the only one of my children who knows about her daddy's A; she saw something in a folder of his about reading the book "After the Affair." Considering that she'd known for months that he had no testimony, that she'd seen him texting OW during church (and adding lots of smiley faces), that he no longer gathered all his children around to hear how much he loved their mother, she KNEW.

After she found that last puzzle piece, she approached me about it. I just about died, started crying, and told her I couldn't talk about it until I'd calmed down (not a typical reaction for me). I called my bff (not of our faith)--the only one of two friends who know--and asked her to come hold my hand during the convo. She did, and we successfully answered DD's questions without revealing all of her father's nasty secrets. Neither my friend nor I thought she needed to know that he was a sex addict, had been with a prostitute, with escorts, on hook-up sites, etc.

She has thrived in the atmosphere at BYU, and I thought what she sent me today might be as uplifting to all of you as it was to me:

Dear Mom, Today in Book of Mormon we talked about when the people of Alma were being held in captivity by the Lamanites and the old wicked priests of King Noah. I know I’ve read it many times before, but I still love the part about how God eased the burdens on the backs of the Nephites. I know that I’ve felt that in my own life, and I feel immensely grateful. An interesting point to note, though, is that right when they were taken captive, they turned to God. Unlike the people of Limhi, who were in captivity for 24 years because of their lack of faith, Alma’s people were strengthened in their affliction and also were blessed with freedom much sooner. Limhi’s people turned to man for their solutions, and it didn’t help them. That isn’t to say that the world doesn’t have good advice for trials, but rather that it is God who will ultimately heal your wounds and help you to fully move past them.

For example, last year, even with everything going on in our family and at home, school was not an issue. Even with all the AP classes I was taking, I was ok. I felt good. I actually enjoyed school for the first time in years. I was working hard to be in tune with the spirit and to read my scriptures. I know that without God’s help, I would not have been able to make it through nearly as well. I would not have been able to bear those burdens without His help. I know that He’s also helping me now. Obviously, our problems haven’t gone away, and they won’t go away, but they can be lightened.

In order for them to be lightened, though, I know we need to turn to God. I know it’s hard to find time, but really, truly, I know that if you will make time to study your scriptures you will be blessed. Strength will flow into your life and you will be more able to bear those burdens. I have such a testimony of that because I’ve seen it in my life. I know you have a testimony and I know you’re strong and I know you’re in touch with God, but I promise that if you will start reading The Book of Mormon everyday, you’ll be strengthened even more.

God is here for us. He loves us. He wants to help us. And I KNOW you know that. Let him help you a little bit more. The time you put into it will be a small sacrifice compared to the strength and comfort you will receive. I promise that this is a true principle. This is not a judgement; it's advice. I know that's weird coming from your daughter, but PLEASE just try it. Please please please. I have received SO much strength. I love you.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 11:44 PM, November 19th (Tuesday)]

Aspenstrong,

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Regardless of what happens with church, take care of yourself and decide what your boundaries are with your husband and what he must do to help you heal and earn your trust.

I hope you can find people in your ward that can help support you. I've been very lucky in that respect. If not, they are only human, and it is very hard for people that have not been through this kind of experience themselves to really understand how incredibly destructive and painful it is and how to support those of us going through it.

We are here for you. We know what it feels like. Stay strong.

(((Aspen))). So glad you and the others who understand the temple married special issues have posted, but I'm so sorry to find so many of us here. I am also in a small ward. Our ICs and MC are not LDS and my husband and I have never talked about lying to go to the temple, excommunication, etc. he has gone inactive in the past year but his affair started in 2009. He drinks, drinks coffee, goes to bars....I guess that part of my life is over. I have been to the temple once without him since my d-day. It was uplifting and devastating at the same time.

Have any of the rest of your husbands been involved in church courts? I just feel like this is one thing we can't talk about and the day the bishop calls him in to find out what is wrong I will finally finish dying inside.

Yes, people at church don't know what to say. I get asked why my husband is not there. I say he chooses not to come. They say is he inactive? I say yes, they say why. I want to say what kind of a stupida** question is that? Am I really suppose to answer that question? Was I that insensitive? I hope not. I think people mean well, their minds just don't comprehend how horrible it can be.

Another man on here who is also a BS often ends his posts with something like "May God Bless Us All". I appreciate that everytime I read it.

Lostcovenants,

I just clicked on my old posts and saw your reply. I wish we could sit and talk in person. This stinks. My h believed he was going to be excommunicated. But instead has been disfellowshipped. He pretty much has to become temple worthy or eventually will face excommunication. The upside? Is I really don't think we will go back to hellish limbo. And he hasn't been able to go to the temple for 10 yrs. Part of me prays this is his wake up call.

I'm sorry your h is inactive and can't believe how insensitive people are to ask why?

Is it awkward to know a whole council of men know the sordid details of yor life? None of them have acted weird around me but it seems weird they know. And I have been advised not to share so not to mess with R. Ive said I would only share if I knew I could trust the person. I don't want to be judged and I really worry how it would affect my kids.

Hugs.

I too have a temple marriage. 17 years last Friday. My story is a little different. My husband has stayed active. He was disfellowshiped for 8 months. As soon as he was back, he was given a stake calling. I made a goal to visit the temple once a month for a new years resolution. Before affair, I had never gone by myself. He went with me and read scriptures and magazines in the temple waiting room until he got his recommend back. I spoke at his councils. It was horrible and awkward. Mostly just cried. It is hard to know these random people know your darkest secrets. But no one has ever judged us for them. And my husband now works with them for his calling. Everyone treats him fine. Anyway, I am also here if anyone needs to talk or vent. I have had my share of ups and downs. Lots and lots of downs, but trying to make more ups.

((((Confused))))

I like how you guys went together and he waited in the temple waiting room during his disfellowshipped time period. I wonder if at this point my h would be willing to do this once in a while. It's a day trip and we have kids so it couldn't be every time. I have only been to the temple with him a handful of times. Most of our marriage he hasnt been able to attend. He has always stayed active- kind of surprisingly.

It sounds like your h did the hard work to move out of disfellowship so quickly. Did you feel supported during this?

Do you feel like you can still share your pain with him when it comes up and you need to share?

In a sense I feel reassured that either he's going to get temple worthy or excommunicated. I guess since the temple hasn't been happening for him- last time he was able to go was over 10 years ago-I almost feel more hopeful? I won't go back to limboland where he resents and blames me- either he gets real help and success with his porn addiction or I will need to divorce him.

After his voluntary confession I went to the temple a couple of weekends in a row. I really expected to feel like I should divorce or at the least seperate as God had led me to seperate years ago for 6 mo while my h chose to either get his act together or divorce. But- it changed things for me that my h was showing some real heart changes and I prayed wondering if I was a fool to be willing to wait and see if this would last. I felt reassured I wasn't a fool and while there aren't any guarantees there is a chance.

My bishop and stake pres have also noticed my h's humility.

So while I haven't decided- it's too soon and I need time to see if my h is really serious- I am leaning towards R.

Writing all this feels even more personal than writing about his ONS! Whew!

[This message edited by Aspenstrong at 3:53 AM, December 31st (Tuesday)]

Sorry it took me so long to get back on. Yes, my husband did put in the work. Sometimes I wonder if is was too fast or if I should have asked for something harsher. But he is trying and he does comfort me when I need it. I do tend to shut down and not let him in. But he has done pretty well. We are about 20 minutes from a temple. So that part is nice. How are you doing now the holidays are over?

Confused,

The holidays were tough but we spent a lot of time with family so we were too busy to focus on this heavily. I'm glad your h was able to do the work well and that he comforts you. My stake pres says that while this never goes away it does get better with time and if we both work at it our relationship can be very strong and very good. I hope that's what happens for us and for you too.

Currently my h is really making big efforts and is willing to do what will help me.