I appreciate the insights...this has been very helpful in developing a response.
For clarification, our rule has always been that they not be alone in a house without other people there. Sure they can be alone. Just not in his house when his mother is away or at our house when we are away. That's not extreme.
Also, the kids attend a private college preparatory school. Honor code violations are a serious event and result in disciplinary penalties like grade point deductions and suspensions. These impact over GPA, and are reported to college admissions boards. So yeah, it's important.
We've talked A LOT about respect these past couple of days. Respect for her body and herself, and her future. We've separated the behaviors, the school and house rule violations, and the sex into two different issues. Her restriction is for the grades, forged permission forms for the day off and other school code violations. In response to her sexual activity we've responded (thanks in no small part to a few of you here) with appreciation for the honesty and a commitment to help her stay safe and protected.
I have no way of knowing if the roadside event was her first, or even if that's how it happened. She said it did, but she could be lying about having gone someplace else. Either way I think the real possibility of low self esteem and self image and self respect needs to be explored.
She is going for a consultation with a psychologist next week. This was her request, that she go talk with someone not a school counselor but a real experienced real-world counselor. Done, we are doing that. Also, she's got her next appointment with the OBGYN next week too. Her endocrinologist (she's type 1 diabetic on an insulin pump) appointment is in two weeks and she always asks about her sexual experience...guess she'll get a different answer this time!
Enough rambling and I hope I don't come off snarky. Everyone is different but we all love our kids. Thank you all for the well intended posts and PMs.
Best,
2CD