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Hello All, I have been lurking on SI for some time and have truly appreciated all of the valuable information you have shared. I am at the point of divorcing my SAWH and wanted to add language prohibiting our children from being around prostitutes, strippers, escorts etc as this was part of his acting out and he never came clean to what extent he frequented such individuals and I am concerned for my kids whom he may keep company with in the future. He of course got upset when I gave him the language and said the kids dont need to be around him if I feel they are not in a safe environment with him (whatever!) So my question is, has anyone had to include such language in decree? If so, how was it stated? Thanks in advance for any information you can provide.

I don't have an answer for you, but I'm hoping someone else here will.

I'm in the middle of a custody/parenting/psychological evaluation with STBX, and I'm hoping that it will result in the judge adding some language like this - not about strippers, but other SAs and strangers that STBX finds on the Internet.

(((StillRise)))

I tried but was unsuccessful at adding any language like this. I certainly wanted to! STBX's judgment regarding the people he thinks are great for friends, roommates & lovers is deplorable.

I'm just bumping this up for you, hoping that someone has some similar language, maybe regarding drug users or alcoholics, or something like that.

I asked one lawyer about drinking and driving with the children in the car, and he said nothing would be done about that, other than the judge saying, "Don't do that," and X saying, "Oh, I wouldn't!".

Another lawyer was interested in DUI citations, but there weren't any.

As far as the sex addiction stuff, my children were older and no language was put into the decree about personal associations. I just hope and pray that he keeps that to himself as much as possible. I know the damage is done as far as my children growing up in a dysfunctional home, and I try and model recovery as a co-dependent/abuse survivor as best I can. X wanted a sort of gag order in the decree as far as his "activities" and I said no. My children are affected and I will help them as best I can whenever they ask.

I am really interested if anyone has had success implementing this language too. I know it varies state to state, but I still would love to hear successful examples.

I have two suggestions. One, you can put the language in anyway, even if it doesn't currently hold up legally, to show precedent he did agree to the concept. This is really useful when the represent themselves or have incompetent lawyers, because they may think it's legally enforceable. The second suggestion is if it's not legally viable to pursue that language, try to pursue language that is legally accepted and otherwise achieves the same thing. Like, he can't have overnight guests, he can't have them around felons, can't leave them unattended, etc. Again a lot of this varies by state but use whatever applies that you can.

I have a friend that just divorced his wife due to serial cheating and he has verbiage in his decree that neither of them can introduce a romantic interest until they've dated 4 months or longer. I don't know how enforceable it is, and I'm sure it varies greatly by state. Ugh, good luck.

Thank you ladies for your responses. My attorney did say it is enforceable, however it is very hard to prove. SAWH is not in agreement to adding language and stated kids shouldnt be around him if I feel that way. It makes him feel "dirty". We have mutually agreed to not introduce kids to significant others until determined by an approved counselor they were ready. The older 2-ds 11 and dd 8 have just started counseling. DS carries a lot of shame about the divorce. So can you ladies answer this? How can you fall in "lurve" with a prostitute, excuse me "companion"? He only admitted to engaging with one (yeah uh huh) but somehow fell in luv. Was going to leave all the other website hookup chicks alone and just have her on the side-while still be married to me! She wasnt cheap either!!!! Well there is no icon for the face and mood I felt when he told me that! I dont want to let this go but have not yet come up with anything that gets the "message across" but something agreeable. I will share as I find out any info. Thanks again

Good luck. It's not what you want to hear, but you're most likely wasting your time, energy & money.

It is standard in my State to have language in the decree that states that no overnight company that is not a family member or spouse may stay over when the children are present.

It actually says this: "the parties shall maintain the minor children in a wholesome environment at all times and not around while sleeping with persons of the opposite sex with whom they are not married to, shall take steps to ensure that there are no drugs present during the time the children are with them, or that any person, including themselves are not intoxicated enough to be considered impaired."

This is pretty standard wording in my State, and you might have luck including something like this.

[This message edited by debbysbaby at 10:23 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I had some of the things you mentioned added to my decree. The problem is, it could not be directed at him. The "rules" had to apply to both of us. Which was fine with me....I am not and do not plan on being a SA! Enforcing is the issue.

It's difficult to enforce what you can not see and what you have no control over.

This is some of the items that were added:

Child Safety - It is the duty of both parents to keep the Children safe. Each parent should protect the Children in the following ways:

(1) Not use illegal drugs, abuse prescription drugs, or abuse alcohol while the Children are present.

(2) Not use or view pornography, including but not limited to cable, magazines, internet photos or live-feed, or any other pornographic media, while the Children are present. Pornography should not be accessible to the Children at any time.

(3) Use caution when allowing overnight guests while the Children are present and take care to maintain careful supervision of the Children if overnight guests are allowed.

(4) Not allow the Children to ride in a car unless the driver has a valid driver's license, auto insurance, seat belts and child safety seats as required by law.

On item #4 I wish we would have added that the driver had to be at least 21 years of age. My XH allowed my DD who was 10 at the time to ride around town with his GF's 17 year old daughter and boyfriend till midnight...

I don't know if it helps, but it was the best we could do with what we had to work with. My XH did manage to squeeze in that I couldn't come back and sue him for anything that I might find out later. Really? Must have been a good one. I got what I wanted and what was fair and that's all that I was concerned about then and now.

[This message edited by LisaP at 8:49 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Lisa, I tried to add the items you list. I was shut down. No way it was going to happen. I want to know why you got to have those things in there but I couldn't.

NG,

I am very lucky that my state, especially my county puts the kids first. When it comes to the divorce, I couldn't use any evidence of A/SA against him. But when it came to custody, I could use every single piece of evidence I had. Because of this, he settled rather then suffer through exposure.

I was able to get full legal and physical custody and he got minimal visitation. He didn't want the kids anyway...his lifestyle required a kids free environment.

LisaP I may have a shot with some of your suggestions. Yes I was told too that language had to apply to both of us. This is getting closer to the issue I wanted addressed. Thanks!

I asked the child custody (psychologist) evaluator about this last week. He said he could suggest mandatory counseling for my children, mandatory SA treatment for STBX, and all sorts of limits on visitation. He implied that the judge would listen to him and follow his suggestions.

So I think it can happen sometimes.

This is not to say he will do any of these things in my case.

I also have a friend whose husband is an alcoholic and failed mandatory treatment. He is not allowed to drink in front of his child or drive her anywhere or even bring her away to visit his family unless they come and drive his daughter six hours to their house. A parenting coordinator/psychologist supervises. The child lives full-time with her mother if/until he gets his act together.

I don't want to say that this sort of thing happens often, or even if it will happen in my situation, but it seems that SOMETIMES it does happen, depending on the state and the judge. Nature Girl raises very good points. There's nothing worse than to fight and fight and discover that no one in authority cares about your children. But if you think it's even a bit possible, I can only imagine that you will pursue it and fight for it, StillIRise.

[This message edited by ChoosingHope at 10:56 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

We do have an agreement regarding no overnight, non-relative guests while he has the children, he is not to drink while he has the children, etc.

These are all for him. It specifically says: "FT will not blah-blah-blah". It does not have any specifications for me (although I never do any of that anyway).

How we got around this is by doing it in a separate agreement (part of the visitation agreement). In our actual D decree, it refers to obiding by previously agreed upon contracts for vistation and CS.

I had no issues getting this done this way. HOWEVER.....this was something me and Ex agreed upon ahead of time. There was no debating it from his side.

So it can be done.

THAT SAID.......FT continued to do what the heck he wanted. I KNOW he still drank with the kids because when they came back from a trip and FT dropped them off, he also gave DS a bag of trash to toss for him (*#&$) in my garbage. Guess what was in there? Empty beer cans!

Also, not only did he ignore the 'no overnight non-relative guest' rule....he blantantly moved his GF and her kids in with him.

So to answer your question, I think you could get some creative spin to getting what you want in the agreement but there is no guarantee they will follow it.

I am sorry - that is probably not what you want to hear.

I have no clue how we are to protect our kiddos. I see posts every day on here that break my heart!

My DS came home asking questions about ankle bracelets for house-arrests. Here he was WITH his dad AT a bar while EX was hitting on some lady with an ankle restraint on.

REALLY??????????????

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 9:45 AM, September 27th (Friday)]