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I'm just at a loss for what to do. It may seem like I have underlying self esteem issues but I don't. I think I have normal issues about myself and the vast majority of the time I'm happy with me (or at least I was). I mean...now I have self esteem issues because of this but that's where the catch 22 comes in. I can go to the gym, get in shape, and feel good about how I look...but if I do that then I'm reminded I am not the OW. I don't feel like going to the gym is for me. It's fear too. Is he happy because I'm getting healthy or happy because I'm making myself more like OW. I don't know...was it because he was so emotionally abusive and we were divorcing that I was so traumatized and now just need more time? Is it because OW is still around (she is a coworker) that I have that tying me down and I can't completely get her out of my mind?

We will never get what the OW got.

WH here. Yup, my BW never got what my xAP got from me: my very worst.

My xAP got such a "gift" from me: a cheating, lying, sneaking, damaged, ego-kibble gobbling, sad, broken little boy lost on the island of misfit toys. Just like her (little girl).

My BW did the "google her" and obsess about her "competition" thing early on. Then she realized if she didn't let go of bringing the OW/xAP into her mind and soul, she'd never heal. So she made the choice to forgive, and feel pity, and finally indifference. She said it was like a weight lifted.

It didn't hurt that my wife is intellectually gifted, award winning and very successful in her field (xAP...um, not even close). And she is a woman of integrity and class (xAP...um, not even close). And she is a tall, slender, sexy drink of cool water (xAP...um, not even close - picture short, scrawny, quirky/plain with nary a womanly curve.

My actions created cracks in my wife's "foundation of herself". Her confidence. Her belief in who she is. But she quickly realized she could do something every day, a hundred times a day if she wanted to, and that was to look in the mirror and say:

"I am a beautiful, honest, caring, loving, decent, loyal and faithful person".

My xAP will never, ever, be able to utter most of those words. And certainly not in the same sentence.

My BW picked up my xAP like someone walking their dog picks up their droppings. Twirling the plastic bag tight and tying it off, she dropped my xAP into the trash. And she's never looked back.

Her gift to herself, is also a gift to me, and us. My wife is an amazing woman. Her strong sense of self, even in the face of incredible pain and betrayal, make her even more desirable than I ever could have imagined. She has shown me just what a friend, woman, lover and life partner can be. And done so in the heat of battle, when the chips were down, and the clock was approaching 0:00. My wife is a rockstar. My xAP...not even close.

JD

Is it because OW is still around (she is a coworker) that I have that tying me down and I can't completely get her out of my mind?

I wonder this ^^^ in my situation too - OW still works with my fWH as well... it makes the situation that much more awful!

I feel I have earned every little mark that motherhood has left on my body.

What troubles me at times is everything about me is different from the one OW ( can't say about the others, never met the or saw a picture)

She was nothing special, just a girl that liked to party, get drunk and flirt with he guys until she got sex. To this day, 25 years later, she has 3 last names and I did see a picture on her Facebook last year wishing everyone happy holidays, the picture was her and her dog in front of a Christmas tree. I thought to myself, she got what she deserved....having no one that thinks you are special.

So instead of thinking about being like her, I say, she will never be me!

Wow JustDesserts, thank you for that! What a brilliant response. Loved it!

((TCD))

some of what you're going through may be just natural things that happen after we've been around a while and have had a few babies. There is no infidelity in my sister's life but she had a tummy tuck to feel better about her body, and she has such skinny arms and legs her belly was pretty noticeable... she would get the are you pregnant comments.... I get it...

So I wouldn't beat yourself up over this. I think every woman wonders, at least, what their body would look like if they spent 3 hours in the gym every day and had great eating habits... Is it worth it though? I so get the "I just want to wear a swimsuit thing." I had 14.5 lbs of twins. My belly is not a pretty sight. Off and on I think of doing something about it. I just think this is normal...

My beef with the APs is the time he spent with them. After being emotionally unavailable to me for a long time he gave that to them. Infuriating... two days ago he didn't contact me all day. I was a big girl about it - I certainly don't need that - but it did sting a little knowing he contacted them every single day but didn't me...

hugs TCD!

I just thought of what WH isn't getting about how I feel about all this.

It isn't about me feeling safe with him. It's about me feeling safe with myself and who I am.

And it almost feels safer being her because she wasn't cheated on (she knew me, went out to dinner with us, held my middle when she was born, saw me 3 weeks before DDay so there was no he lied about being married)...she was chosen over me. So it's safer to be her because she was better than love.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 8:30 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

My WH affaired down. But at first I felt very insecure because obviously he saw something in her, right? I saw a picture of her and she is a dog. What makes her really ugly though is her soul. She is the ugliest person I've ever seen.

Beauty is not only skin deep. Your a real woman with a genuine heart. This lady screwed a married man, she has an ugly messed up rotten core.

I have cellulite and stretch marks too, they are my battle scars. I'm proud of them. I've carried 2 healthy babies.

Being cheated on kills our self worth. I didn't have a great self worth to begin with. I now am owning it. I will not let anyone make me feel bad about myself. Beauty is a state of mind.

Thank you Just Desserts. That is awesome. I feel like my WH gets it like you do and that is the only way I can get over this.

I purposely never found out what the OW looked like. FWS would have told me her last name if I asked, and I easily could have looked her up, but I didn't. Sometimes I had to post here to not do it.

I had my reasons. Part of me was scared she would be fantastically beautiful and I would be crushed. But then again what if she was hideous and I couldn't see why he would cheat with someone not traditionally attractive.

It hit me that there were no answers in her appearance. Or in her at all really.

Any of the why was going to have to come from him.. and what choices and thoughts led him to his decisions.

Her appearance was irrelevant. Sure, at first glance it's easy to think it was about looks, but it goes deeper. I knew the person I am married to and it was going to be much much more important for him to figure out what it was about how he FELT that made this all ok.

I am satisfied with the answers I got from him over time, and I've never laid eyes on her. It isn't about me and my stretch marks or extra pounds or my body or my hair or my height or my eyes. It was always something he did for him.. and he needed to figure out why that was.

I wouldn't put too much stock in how they looked. It goes deeper.

It's not about how she looks that's really the focus. It's what I wrote above.

It isn't about me feeling safe with him. It's about me feeling safe with myself and who I am.

And it almost feels safer being her because she wasn't cheated on (she knew me, went out to dinner with us, held my middle when she was born, saw me 3 weeks before DDay so there was no he lied about being married)...she was chosen over me. So it's safer to be her because she was better than love.

TCD,

Do you think he was ever his real self with her? Do you think she ever really knew the real him? The one that stresses over kids and bills? She didn't get the person that you have built a life with, she got a fake, the one he wanted her to see. So how is that telling her the truth. I think you have to be careful of making this into something to be envious of.

It isn't about me feeling safe with him. It's about me feeling safe with myself and who I am.

I really believe this ^^ is true. In my situation, my fWH is really going out of his way to make me feel safe, and yet I don't and it's because the problem lies in ME - it's as you say above.

I reckon the OW in my sitch would feel safe quite easily - my fWH stroked her self-esteem pretty thoroughly in the time he was with her and she got to kick the adoring man to the kerb.... that has to make you feel pretty powerful!

TG - I'm not sure I can say honestly that it was only what he wanted her to see. Yes, she didn't have the reality of being married but they worked together 4 or 5 years before the A and they worked long hours together...even going over night to work at the nuke plant. So I feel like he did show her his true side in some ways just by the sheer amount of time spent at work.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 9:30 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

I understand that. All of what HL did was with co workers. Their work side is a different side of them. It is not the side we see. It is the side they want them to see. It is still a cover. She never knew the real him. Do you really envy what she got?

Do you feel she ever saw what you are seeing right now in him? The man that is trying hard to put this back together.

I knew HL had that in him all along, and I am betting you knew the same. It is why you hung in for so long.

The women in their lives never saw this side of them. Guarantee it.

Yes and no. Yes because there is still a little of side of me that wants him to save me. Not in the sense that I'm weak and need to be fixed. But more like to be shown I'm special and that nothing can break that. I feel like there isnt anything special about me that is worth the risk. But he risked us all by chosing her. He knew it was wrong, hid it, and did it anyway. And even told her a few weeks before dday that if I knew whst was going on, I'd divorce him. So he knew that once I found out...this could have all been over...but still risked it. Though I know there really isn't a way to get that now. He showed her what I meant to him by betraying me only one month after our youngest was born. In a way I feel easy. Not that reconciliation is easy. But I'm an easy choice. It was easy to betray me. It was easy to come back. And of course no I don't want his broken. His broken was what was emotionally abusing me for many years. And now I finally think he sees the things that have been very very hurtful.

I've wanted what I see in him for a very long time. I've always feared him in some way because of how he has treated me. I'm not sure I believed he could do it. I was hoping he could. I wanted him to. I tried every single way to communicate the broken things that were hurting me. I was shut down at every turn (not just since dday but for our entire relationship). Obviously now I'm hoping it sticks and that it's real. But I won't know until I stick it out for a some time.

Here is the thing about you feeling special. Until you truly believe it and know all the reasons for it, he can never say it enough, show it enough for you to believe it. That part of the equation is your job. I know it sucks because it feels like they broke it, they should fix it, but it doesn't work that way. Once you fix it, you can believe it when he says it and then he backs it up time and time again.

I think it's all about us wanting to be accepted and loved "just the way we are," and knowing that she or he was accepted for who they are. It is really sad thinking about it.