SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I need to get thisn

The done button is too close to the "o" on this phone. I'll try to be careful and get this right this time. I need to get this out.

Tonight I did something I've never done before. I had too many drinks and I cheated on myself. Doesn't count as cheating on her....she broke up with me weeks ago. Can't cheat on her. But man did I cheat on my heart.

I wanted to confess now. Because I don't know how much shame I'll have tomorrow. The truth is I feel a little more disassociated with the break up. I have a feeling there will be regrets. I haven't had any real regrets in a long time. Years and years and years ago. Maybe a few regrets is what I need. Maybe not.

Based on my history it may not sound like it, but I've always been a conservative nice guy. I have never gone the self-destructive route until today. And while I already know it doesn't feel good, it sure doesn't feel any worse than the pain.

I'm sorry, admitting that almost feels like I've let the whole SI community down. I know it was wrong. I know it wasn't smart. And I know tomorrow will bring the challenge of coming to terms with doing something outside my moral code. And yet I'm still wondering, what's worse? Dealing with me or dwelling on the pain? Almost seems like a welcome distraction if I can get over the indignity of it.

Yep. Tossed and turned throughout the night and woke up with deep regret over it. I can't believe how cheap I just behaved. I acted dishonorably towards myself and now instead of holding my head up high, I want to crawl in a hole. I knew better and still did it. I hope these feelings don't last very long. I can't have any sympathy for myself with this one - really poor decision making. I'm disappointed in me.

I think, that if you are serious about healing/working on yourself...you learn from those kind of mistakes.

Do something against your moral code? Then figure out the whys and learn from it. Don't repeat the same mistakes.

If someone is only giving you pieces of themselves, and not all of themselves, it will never work out into a healthy relationship. It is hard to see it when you are IN the relationship, you just know something is off.

If she wants to be with you, she will make it happen without excuses. If she doesn't, either the relationship isn't right, or she has some issues she needs to work through.

Bottom line, I know...for ME...I don't ever want to be someone's "savior" in a relationship again. Supportive, yes, sharing...yes...but "saving"? No. I would want to see that she is actively working on herself, you should see the changes, before giving her another opportunity. I do think people heal and change, I know I certainly have. In the beginning, I wasn't nearly as pulled together as I am now and accepted too much crap. I gave out some crap too, and he called me on it.

So, count it as a learning experience and go look for what you really want and deserve from a relationship. You don't have to close the door to her, you can leave it open a little while she works on herself.

Taking a chance is never a bad thing.