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Parenting differences

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 letitout (original poster member #38288) posted at 2:40 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

What do you do when you and your S have different parenting styles?

My H is relaxed, no consequences type of guy. He lets the kids do anything they want.

I set boundaries. If they don't do A then B doesn't happen.

I have 17 yo twins. My DD is a real handful. She wants to do whatever she wants to do. For example, she is failing school and wanted to go party at the gymnastics center tonight on a school night. I told her no until her grades get up to at least C. Her dad on the other hand thinks just let her have fun.

I don't know what to do. We fight all the time about our different views.

BW 57, WH 66, 19 yo twins
Married 28 years
2 years of $$$$$$ prostitutes.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2013   ·   location: CO
id 6502294
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 2:49 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

This is actually one of the issues H and I addressed in MC.

You have to meet somewhere in the middle. Discuss it when you're not in the heat of the moment and come up with a compromise that you're both comfortable with. Always present a unified front in front of the kids. That's key.

We were the opposite. H is strict and I am more laid back. We got into a very unhealthy good cop/bad cop dynamic and the kids totally took advantage of it. You cannot let them play you against each other.

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6502305
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unfound ( member #12802) posted at 3:23 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

Excellent advice from AN.

To add, we support each others strengths. Some things, I'm better at handling, others, Mr Unfound is better at. Which ever one of us tackles something though, we know the other will back them up.

ka-mai
*************
Kids on the playground can be so cruel. “Get off the swings you’re like 50, and stop talking about Soundgarden, we don't even know what that is."

posts: 14949   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2006   ·   location: mercury's underboob
id 6502352
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authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 11:17 AM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

To start changing things, when the kids came to me about something (because they knew I was the parent more likely to give permission), I'd say, "Well, that's a conversation we're going to need to have with daddy present." Or, "Dad and I have to discuss it first."

If it's something that you have both decided beforehand (because you need to sit down and come up with boundaries and house rules for the kids that you're both comfortable with---and then let the kids in on their new boundaries), he needs to learn how to say, "We have discussed no weekday evening activities unless your grades are where they need to be."

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6502643
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 letitout (original poster member #38288) posted at 2:22 PM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

All good advise. We have tried family meetings, writing rules down, but nothing ever gets followed through. It goes back to we set a rule. I say no to something, she calls her dad at work who knows nothing about the situation and says yes to her. So it's like I have to get him at work first in order to get things straight with the situation. It's like who can contact him first.

As I said it's a mess when she gets to him first. Then he gets mad and says he wishes we (DD) would get along. We get along fine, except when it comes to rules.

I think I will bring it up in MC. Good topic to discuss.

BW 57, WH 66, 19 yo twins
Married 28 years
2 years of $$$$$$ prostitutes.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2013   ·   location: CO
id 6502790
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StrongerOne ( member #36915) posted at 10:56 PM on Friday, September 27th, 2013

Your H needs to practice saying (texting, emailing) the following sentences:

What did your mom say about that?

Until I check with your mom, the answer is no.

I'm at work. We will discuss this at home, with your mom.

My folks used these all the time. Woe to the child who tried to pull one over on them by lying about what the other parent had said. My H and I do the same. Otherwise the kids will rule the roost and that's bad for their social and moral development.

DDay Feb 2011.
In R.

posts: 1020   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2012
id 6503451
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 letitout (original poster member #38288) posted at 2:49 AM on Saturday, September 28th, 2013

Great advise strongerone. I think I will talk about that tonight with H since DD is not around.

BW 57, WH 66, 19 yo twins
Married 28 years
2 years of $$$$$$ prostitutes.

posts: 288   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2013   ·   location: CO
id 6503689
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