Ok, the problem I am having is that I don't know how to take 100% responsibility for everything that occurred in our relationship. I am willing to take as much as 90%, but I can't get to 100%. I know this is needed to help my wife heal and that is all I really want.
We stopped taking care of each other the first few years we were together. We started to build our walls to defend against any hurt. Little did we know that that same wall would keep us from loving each other properly. Little by little each day, we lost each other. Then one day my wife decides she will start going to bars with friends on a regular basis, while I stayed home with the kids. I went to work, then home and took care of the kids. After several months of this, her coming home sometimes at 8 am, I started to give up. She never cheated, so she said, but I told her that her actions were hurting me, us. Still nothing changed, she said she was done with me and probably moving out of state. So one night I started chatting online with a girl. I did this on nights she would go to the bars, while I sat home with our two babies. After a month of chatting, I met up with this girl, my wife had gone to her dad's for a few days out of state. I had a OTA with this girl that I kept secret for the next 13 years. My wife always suspected, so after a couple years of trying, she started to again going to bars. I just recently found out that during this time she had made out with a guy on one occasion, on another she had sat naked in a hot tub with another.
So during those 13 years I was completely faithful, not very loving and caring towards her still though. I felt like something was wrong, I never truly thought she loved me, even though I have loved her everyday we've been together. After the 13 years and 17 years together of not treating each other right, I started talking to her sister. It started innocently through messaging, mostly about my wife. It turned into an EA, never got physical. I wanted to leave my wife at this time, even though I still loved her.
I realized, on my own, that most of our problems were caused by my lack or caring, of loving her the way she deserves. I told her sister goodbye, that I would delete her number and not talk to her again. I did this on my own. My wife was suspecting the whole time. It wasn't until after I had ended it that her mother told her the truth.
While out of town for work, my wife had a PA with a man she met at a bar to get back at me.
We are doing pretty well now. I have changed myself, I will not be an uncaring man again. I will never allow myself to build another wall. We are on the infidelity rollercoaster but the love we feel and share has never been even close to this strong. I know I need to take full responsibility for her healing, and I do, but it's hard not to see how we both made mistakes to lead us down this road. I am doing everything needed, open, honest, loving, full of remorse and shame. My wife on the other hand is stonewalling, holding things in, she doesn't often want to talk about the painful past so she can start to heal. She bottles it all up.
So now you all know my full story. Any help would be appreciated, even a slap in the head. I sometimes feel like I'm the only one fighting for US. I know she will deal with things in her own way, in her own time, but I can't help but feel that even though we are in R, that she still is thinking about walking. Its only been 6 months and she says she just doesn't trust that I will stay the new me, that's fine, I will give her forever if needed. She does say that I am doing everything perfectly, that I am amazing now, she just doesn't trust it. Yet I don't trust that she is committed to us yet either.
If I'm being selfish, or not doing something right, please tell me. I need all the help I can get.