SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My third DDay was April 30 2013, same OW, planted VAR ...supposedly only two months of phone and stopped then...sent nc letter...god to think that really meant nothing. I would take it out to make my heart feel better and reread the copy and it meant nothing. Because planted VAR again when he just seemed so wrong...so aggravated, tired, quick temper, unfocused, and I saw him really checking his car one morning, looking for something...i thought is he making sure there isnt another VAR? So I let him clean it out and then snuck one in. Didn't really expect anything, we had started MC the week before, he is seeing a psych so I ddint' chekc it for 5 days and then heard him telling her he will get her money, arranging lunch, and telling her he loves her. Dday 4

I confront him in the parking lot of his office....he rages that that is not him....says he has no contact....blah blah blah, storms off. Leaves me there. After a day of drama and hours of denial he tells me that he has been speaking to her because of stress, never threw away secret phone as he had said, that the nc letter was never mentioned between them....but that it has only been phone contact...the talk seems to be somewhat truthful but he wont tell me about the money. Why is he arranging money for her? Are they planning to be together? I threaten to leave for a hotel....he asks me not to but denies any memory of the money talk to her. I leave but come back hours later...he is asleep.

In the morning he seems defeated and admits this....the money was for her to supply him with cocaine.

Cocaine that she introduced him to two years ago! Was also the reason he maintained contact...she was the only one he knew who could get it for him.

She suggested he take it after they had reconnected when she contacted him. 2/2011 He said no he doesnt do that. She gave him a sample. He kept it for a month before taking it.

Then he was wanting it and she began selling it to him, dropping it off behind the dumpster at his office and picking up her money there. He thinks it is not a big problem but he describes it as being so great. He doesn't realize how it has changed him. For two years my husband was taking cocaine and I had no idea. This woman turned my husband into a drug user. He has never before used anything. I am frightened and unsure of what to do...he swore me to secrecy as he is afraid of ramifications at work and with our families. Can not stand the idea of people knowing this about him but...I read that that is what people need to stop....

I have contacted his one brother who will talk to him but will not be here til Monday and I am freaking out.

I have gone from my husband the cheater to my husband the cheater and cocaine user in the last 24 hours and I am freaking out!

I don't know drug people! We live in the suburbs!

I looked at narc anonymous and the twenty questions you ask yourself to figure out if you belong there I say yes to sixteen! I only need a yes to four to qualify....

Now this?

Please can anyone relate and give idea/guidance?

So YOU took the "are you addicted to drugs" test *for* him. Has he taken it for himself?

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:30 PM, September 27th (Friday)]

No...the questions were for family members, a support group to see if you belonged there.

I am at a loss, just completely mind-f**d with this new information. It does explain a lot. Why he could just not let go. Also makes me hate her more for how she could cause him such harm and yet I still think he cares for her? He is so far from what he was before she entered his life.

Can I turn her in as a drug dealer? Sweet revenge.

He is responsible for all of these choices. Not her.

Unless he is in rehab, now, today, I would strong consider the 180 and seeing a lawyer. Look at your ddays. Look at the broken no contacts. YOU cannot fix this. HE must fix himself. Stand back on the sidelines and WATCH or you will be sucked into the abyss.

He gave me his hidden phone. He says he will never use again, that it wasn't that often.. I don't know how to judge. He is admitting to a couple times a month which of course means more. He asks me to support him and let him know he will get through this. He has contacted his psychiatrist to see him early if possible. This is where I am ...I don't want to be codependent here but I do want to be supportive and loving....but where is the line?

He won't blame her either, says it was his choice to use her sample and ask for more. But she has blame...she supplied the first one, pushed it into his hand. I think to get him started so she could make money off him. He can still just blame himself. But I blame her so I can just hate her more and feel that she is even worse than imagined. It is so hard to wait for his brother to talk with on Monday. I can't believe the last 24 hours have happened.

MIP, I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I'm sure you are worried on every front and wonder what all has been, or might be jeopardized.

Have you given thought to what your next step is going to be? I'm guessing that you are in pure panic, right now. Have you found a resource that can help you assess what your options and choices are?

He is so far from what he was before she entered his life.

I totally understand your feelings about this, but you have so much to deal with on your own plate, that focusing on this isn't of much help to you.

It is so hard to wait for his brother to talk with on Monday.

Does his employer have an Employee Assistance Program hotline #? They are sworn to confidentiality. If not, call one of your local agencies that assist with addiction issues. Don't wait until Monday!

You can hate her all you want, that's fine. But FOCUS your blame on him.

I wouldn't even CONSIDER being supportive and loving. I would be demanding and hard assed.

He is agreeing to do whatever his doctors recommend. Just can't seem to connect with them til next week. He may be fine with that but I a freaking out. I will look up local agencies. I found a support group for families that meets monday night and will hopefully go to that.

I don't have a current counselor. I quit mine a few weeks ago when we were going to start mc. She was very anti staying together and just made me feel so bad about myself for having stayed so long,

I was hoping to also have the mc as a personal counselor as she had suggested the first time I met with her, but then when I called after our first mc with my husband she said she didn't know if that was a good idea. I was lost as that was one of the reasons i chose her, because of her suggesting it.

I think I may confide in my one brother. Not that people want to hear any of this or really can do anything but...

I would strongly encourage you to find an IC for yourself, and nothing else. He should do all the leg work to make this happen and let the healing process start. Seriously start looking at your codependency issues. You can set the guidelines and parameters for what you will accept - do you even know what you will and will NOT accept? Upon my second dday my spouse had one week to meet my demands, or I would have filed for divorce. Find your boundaries.

I don't mean to sound harsh. But if you keep doing the same...you know the end of that sentence.

She was very anti staying together and just made me feel so bad about myself for having stayed so long,

I was hoping to also have the mc as a personal counselor as she had suggested the first time I met with her, but then when I called after our first mc with my husband she said she didn't know if that was a good idea

This seems cause for concern that others see/saw something that you don't.

Even when you have had the proof of your H's bad behavior he has denied it to you. That along with addiction and other bad behavior may indicate that it is going to be extremely hard for your husband to rehabilitate himself, let alone your marriage.

He has chosen to risk much, and denied doing so.

Not to make light of things, but are you POSITIVE this is the real reason he's stayed with her all these years?

People on drugs act strangely, but so do people who live double lives and lie every single day. After a while, they actually start to believe the bullshit they're spewing.

Are you POSITIVE that an addiction to cocaine is the REAL reason he's hung around her all these years? I'd demand a blood or hair follicle test. It's very possible these two chuckleheads used to buy it occasionally to use 'recreationally' when they'd have a block of time to spend together.

My spidey sense are tingling. I still think there's more to this...

First let me say, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

My son is an addict, I have been to family counseling in rehab, I have been to nar anon meetings, al anon meetings and have read a lot on the subject. At one of the family meetings the counselor, a recovering addict said you could take any addict, drop them off in the center of town and tell them to get you a drug, any drug, not even their doc, drug of choice and within the hour they will have it for you. Because they know how to go about getting it. I have found this to be true, just by listening to others at nar anon tell their stories and by reading on the nar anon forum. SO if your wh wanted cocaine that badly, he would have found it, he didn't need ow.

The way you describe how your wh got the cocaine from ow, is like in desperation, her dropping it off behind a dumpster. True addict behavior, then later you say he told you he would stop using, as it wasn't often. Again if this is the case, why did he need to keep in contact with ow?

I am not trying to be cruel, but without realizing it, wh has told you two different stories.

There is probably much more to the story.

Dear MainlyinPain, How are you?

Has your H done anything to begin dealing with his issues?