SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It comes down to personality I think. I'm hugely analytical, enough said!

Burying it alive isn't healthy and mining for pain isn't healthy.

Justwow...damn, this is brilliant ^^^^

A lot of times when you want to respond to a members post, it help s to have a little background...I put my dates and info so members know my sich when responding to my posts. Also helps when your new so you don't get asked the same questions.

As far as details...some people need them, some don't want them..I need them but didn't get them.

Oh yea..WELCOME

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 12:27 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

I tried to forget and move on and was doing a great job until I picked up the phone and her number was staring me right in the face. Well kinda, it was disguised as his friend PAL. So there is no more forgiving or moving on for me.

For me it's so people here know how far out I am (not terribly). That way, they can give me appropriate advice, given my relative distance from DDay.

Knowing the details is difficult but for many it is a way to process what has happened. Knowing allows you to move through the devastation and accept what has happened.

Suppressing does not make it go away.

I am curious, How can you accept what you know so little about?

I was fed such a mountainous pile of shit, that after swallowing all of it i wanted something more useful in understanding what happened.

My wife put me through Hell with the lies. The truth was bad, but the lies were worse, it was the details that reconciled all of that.

I think it's personality related. I am a numbers girl, some days it's a gift others it's a damn curse. I remember numbers, I remember childhood phone numbers, I remember birthday, I remember DD anniversaries. (wish I knew the lotto numbers though). I have an uncanny knack for remember things to do with numbers.

For some people they need to know all the gruesome details, some people prefer to stick their head in the sand and say no more that's it.

Exwh first EA that I am aware of I didn't need to know anymore then I knew already. It just had to end.

Next PA I needed to know every. single. detail. I needed to know the beast I was dealing with, to reconcile I didn't want anything to come back and bite me later on.

The exit affair I needed to know enough to get some sort of closure.

Do I believe I know the truth of everything, HELL NO!

But now 2 years out I don't have that 'need' for information anymore. I just needed to grieve and slowly rebuild my life and help my babies deal with this shitstorm he dumped us all in.

For me, it is in hopes that if it all comes out, and things get better - then some whore doesn't have 'secrets' from me with my husband.

I started out not needing any more than the broad strokes. But then more stuff came out into the open, and I suddenly needed to dig more. That process repeated itself until I was scratching for every detail. Every time more lies surfaced, my need to know got deeper. Maybe that's because I started to wonder about absolutely everything.

If WH had just been honest from the beginning, if he'd given me the full truth without trying to protect himself, I wouldn't have felt the need to dig.

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(

For me, the info serves 2 purposes.

Posting my own dates helps me avoid denying I was betrayed by my W.

Reading others' dates helps me craft responses when I want to respond. A response that helps at 6 weeks may not help at 6 months or 6 years.

A note of counsel: the quickest, easiest way through this is to face the facts and face your pain as early as possible. I say 'easiest', and it is - but it's still terribly difficult. It's just easier than sweeping the betrayal under the rug, which makes it fester and grow. I say 'quickest' because it is, but it's still going to take longer than you want.

Denial and rug sweeping are a quick way to hell on earth, IMO.

(((SabbyKat)))

I can see that you're new here and I'm not sure how close to Dday you are but I'm guessing it was fairly recent. Everything is raw for you right now. I get that. I remember those days - where you wish this was just some bad nightmare that you might still wake up from. I'm sorry you have to be here but I'm glad you found us.

As for the details, different people handle things differently. I needed to know what was going on because I'd found out that I'd spent years, decades, perhaps my entire married life living a lie. I needed to ground myself in what was real so I could start to deal with it.

I would have loved to have done nothing more than pack all of this shit into a mental box and file it away as history. But I couldn't do that. Every time I tried to pack it away I would discover some new thing, some additional lie, some betrayal I hadn't known about. Then I'd have to drag that mental box down off the shelf and try to find where this new piece fit in the mix. Because there were so many lies over so many years, I didn't know which way was up. I needed the truth, I needed the details so I could identify reality.

I'm not a "date" person. If I had to figure out my own Dday, I could. But I'd have to look up some old calendars and work to find it. But I am a "tell me the truth so I know what I'm facing" person. At least I am now.

For me, it's more to provide perspective for people reading my posts here on SI. It lets them know that I am divorced, how long I've been divorced, how long after DDay I got divorced, that I have kids, etc.

This - but I got tired of looking at it, so I took it out.

I did the. I forgot and moved on.

It happened again.

This time, I will pick the meat of this monster to the bones. Then it will have less power over me. Either MrH will catch up or he'll be left behind. But we will not sweep it under the rug. All it does there is rot and fester and increase the chances of reoccurrence.

I agree with this completely. The more I realized she was only giving up the onion one layer at a time, the more I needed to get details; the more I needed to know where ground zero actually was. Four years later, we're still not done with this process :(

Oh MAN, hugs to you. I couldn't deal with that for 4 years. I could barely handle it for the month it went on - I was only a week or so away from walking at that point.