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But if we hadn't cheated in the first place, we wouldn't be dealing with the fallout, thus needing the better communication to make things "easier".

If you and your hubby are thankful, appreciative, and don't regret the path you took, yay for y'all. But I can guarantee you, had your relationship ended in divorce, you'd be singin' a different tune. What then? Would the risk still be worth it?

Idk about your relationship, so I would never speak for you or yours, but yes with my relationship weither I had an A or not we needed better communication. Sure we wouldn't be dealing with the fallout if I hadn't have had an A but we also still would more likely than not still not be communicating either. I would much rather be dealing with the fallout and better communicating and understanding each other than living the way we both were before. We were miserable. And it wasn't for lack of trying to talk, but it was completely from lack of understanding how to talk to each other. As far as if it would have ended in divorce, I can't answer that for SURE, bc that didn't happen but I can say I really don't think I would be singing a different tune at all, bc I did leave for awhile, my daughter and I moved in with my mother and father, and our communication stayed the same as it is now, and he knew then that I was great full for how far our communication had come, bc before, we would NOT have been able to agree on anything to do with our child or the arangements that we had, but bc that communication was better we were able to get along and agree and disagree civilly and honor each others wishes. So no, I really don't believe if it ended in divorce I would be singing a different tune. You might would hear me say I wish things didnt end the way they did, but you would still never hear me say I regretted it.

YES! I definitely regret it! I wish I could go back and change everything, but I can't. I led a double life for many years. My H did not deserve this.

I am curious HBO, what have you learned about YOU in all of this? What you have mentioned has everything to do with your relationship and not you.

I have learned alot about me. Some of which I can mention, and some of which I'm not comfortable mentioning at this time, that has only been mentioned to my BH and our MC. I have learned that when I get scared of anything I run, I have learned that I have walls built up high and always have but had boundaries that were very low and those two things don't mix. I've learned that I'm selfish and that my self confidence (or lack there of) is in my control and only mine and that no man(or woman for that matter) can make me who I am, or should be able to change my view of myself for the good or the bad. As a result of my self confidence I've learned that I have always in the past "competed" with women for attention of men who I felt were out of my league(before marriage) just to prove that I was "as good as them" and that when I was at a low point of self esteem I ran back to that. I have learned that I betrayed not only my BH but also myself, betrayed my own trust, took myself further than I ever thought I would, and became a person that I didn't know. I've learned alot,

what have you identified as the thought processess you had in place that you used to view an affair as a viable alternative to...oh...say talking about some MC or asking for a divorce, if things were that bad

See above for the answer to my thought process......these are all things I have found after the fact though, as far as during.....I didn't think. Not really. I thought that this was a man who I had been friends with for years who would listen to me and understood what I was saying and didnt just look at me like it was nothing, or fall asleep while I was talking to him about what was bothering me, or yell or fight. Put simply I was in that fantasy land where bills and kids and fights don't exist.

That being said I did suggest MC, he refused, still refuses. I go alone and he goes every now and then with me. He is a police officer here in town and says he refuses for some "shrink" to know his personal business, that if I want to go he's happy for me but he will not. The going has just started after the A, before that he refused to go at all. As for divorce, it was suggested, many times, but that is part of our communication problems we were having, what communicating we did, we thought fixed things, but it was always a temporary fix bc we were not able to get to the root of our problems. He wasn't in the dark about our problems, he was talked to, suggestions were made, but little did I know, he was not comprehending the extent of the problems. And I didn't know he wasn't understanding it bc he wasn't communicating tat with me, so I thought he didn't care, and he thought my feelings were not as low as they really were. Major miscommunication issues on both our parts. Once again none of this is to justify anything, I shouldn't have done it and BH did not deserve it, no one does.

Do I regret WHAT I did? Hell yes.

Do I regret that it has FINALLY got me to a point where I truly want to deal with my "shit" and fix myself? No, not at all.

I just wise it wasn't my cheating on my wife that made me "see the light".

Pretty frickin stupid!