SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I haven't been here in a while. R is going well I suppose, he's trying really hard. I just feel stuck sometimes, today is one of those days. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently and we are right in the beginning of Affair Season, which happens to include my birthday, my son's birthday and almost all of my favorite holidays. Lots and lots of triggers lately and I feel so alone. My mom, my only friend just moved away today and I feel sad. I wrote this today and wondered if anyone else felt the same and had any thoughts to share:

I’m supposed to be preventing myself from dwelling on it and I know I should be, but it is hard to do. Sometimes it just makes me so sad. It seems like he wants to be here now, I hope that is true. But sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror it makes me think about how I was unwanted, and how they talked bad about me. I feel now like I have to prove that I am not that person, but inside that is how I feel. This whole thing has made me feel unwanted, and unloved and unlovable. I grew up with a lot of people who didn’t like me, who talked bad about me, who made fun of me and made me feel like I was a bad person and unworthy of their companionship. I thought WH was someone who I could be comfortable with, someone I wouldn’t have to be ashamed in front of, but what he did with OW has changed that. I no longer feel secure, I feel self-conscious and judged, like at any moment he might see my wrinkles or my fat, and decide that I am ugly and not worth his time after all. How do I get past these feelings? And then when I have these feelings I start thinking about how much our marriage has been altered and damaged by this whole thing. About what he did and how he promised that he wouldn’t and then did it anyway. I feel so betrayed and hurt and sad. My marriage doesn’t feel happy anymore, it feels forced and scary. Not that we don’t have fun sometimes, happy times and such, I love hanging out with him and with DS but always in the back of my mind is the thought of what he did and his broken promises. How can anything ever be ok again? Will I ever again feel secre? Or is this how my life will be from now on? Always feeling the loss of who I thought we were together and what I hoped was the truth. I know that everyone has to lose their illusions at some point or another and that what I thought and the truth are very different and that it is silly to grieve for something that never was, but I just can’t keep from wishing that when she emailed him he did the right thing, the thing he promised he would do and told me, instead of what he did do. Everything feels so broken and damaged and I miss being able to just love him freely and not feel scared about it, or angry or sad. I miss feeling loved.

[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 1:57 AM, October 1st (Tuesday)]

So sorry you feel that way. I do too. You are not alone.

I have been trying to work on loving myself. If this happened to your daughter, what would you say? Would you hold her tight and give her the love and support she needs? Than do this for you, care for yourself, believe in yourself, and remember that you are an adult now, and past acts of unkindness are past transgressions and this is different and yes it hurts, but it is not the same as this history you are carrying. Maybe these past feelings of pain are reasons why you are accepting this. And work on yourself - what you want to be and how you need to change to be that person ... For yourself, not for him. Love yourself.

Your feelings are natural but not conducive to helping you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the support and love you would give your child. Many hugs to you.

I know just how you feel. Much of what you have written could have been words right out of my mouth. I wish I had more time to respond, but taking kids to preschool. HUGS. We are trying to reconcile too. To sum it up- I'm having chest pains this morning.

Inshockandhurt,

I could have wrote the exact same feelings and worries that you did. I feel the exact same. I mean the EXACT same words.

I dont have any advice, just that I struggle with this EVERY SINGLE DAY like you do.

It's so sad that so many of us feel like this

inshockandhurt, I could have written everything you wrote ((HUGS)). I have been having a bad, trigger filled, few days and it sucks. I have no advice, I try to counter negative thoughts with positive ones when these thoughts won't go away. Nobody deserves to feel like this.

Your feelings are natural but not conducive to helping you. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the support and love you would give your child.

^^^This is what I've been trying to do. Because, one thing I've learned - his affair is not about me (and sometimes I have say it repeatedly to believe it - but it's true)

Thanks everyone, it always helps somehow to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I am still trying but the thoughts are so intrusive and no matter how much I try, the fact that it happened just won't go away, and I think maybe that is what I am having trouble with. Maybe. I don't even know. One day one aspect will seem so terrible, and the next a different one will be the really awful thing. 7 months out from d-day and I am still having trouble accepting that it actually happened. I wish I could go back and change things.

I am in the same sit. Know that there are plenty of people in SI just like you. Body image issues, younger AP, broken WS..... Pleas keep posting and KNoW you are worthy. I'm having trouble of the same. Lets keep talking