4 yrs out and I am so sad, hurt, and still feel worthless.
H had LTEA with a stupid bitchface that he had “a thing” with back in HS, while being MY BF. Also had a short (?) EA with a skank. (I still don’t believe that one wasn’t a PA.)
Found out 4 yrs ago and muddled thru for 2 yrs before finding SI. Once I did, I used what I was learning here, but still on my own.
Did MC last year for about 6 months, and this is where my sadness kicks in. It took us that long to work thru the EA. H decreed he was done with MC, as I had stated “I think I pretty much know everything”. So since he has huge FOO issues he figured all is good, no more reasons to continue. Only I told him, at the start, that we would have to work thru the A to get to a point of working on our communication. He was having none of that. So I feel that he chopped our recovery short. I also feel that our recovery really started just last year, with the help of the MC. So I feel like this is year 2.
I stated what I need to move forward. Like most WS’s, he spouted all we need to do “move forward, don’t look back”. Well, that is easy for him to say b/c he gets all panicky if he thinks he’s going to be in the hot seat. Only he did/does not like what I have to say about moving forward. This is where my hurt comes in. I state my needs, he “hears” them, then proceeds to tell me that those needs are not realistic. That I am dreaming of years gone by. That due to all the shit that has happened in our lives he cannot (read: will not) do what I need him to do.
In June, during another argument, he told me I had to PROVE to him that I can let it go. I told him that he is right. I need to let this whole thing go. He had the balls to say “I’ll believe it when I see it. I don’t believe that you can let it go”. I said “watch me”. What he didn’t know was, at that precise moment, he killed me. Nothing else he has said during these years hit me like that did. A week later, when we were talking I told him I could not believe he had the gall to tell ME that I had to prove my place in this marriage. REALLY??? He told me I had misunderstood him. He just meant I need to quit bringing up his mistakes. I asked what does HE need to prove to me? “IDK”. He would think about it. Only he didn’t. Didn’t even remember the conversation.
Since that last convo, I have not brought up anything personal, or emotional. And he knows/sees it. BUT has he asked one fuckin’ question??? HELL NO! This level of nothingness is exactly what he asked for, what he wants. He is now trying to be the loving H I should have always had, i.e.: flowers, hugs, and kisses. Some of the things I had asked for. He thinks he’s doing just great! Problem is: I don’t care at this point.
I want a true connection. I thought I had it with him, but in looking back over our lives I can see it was just in my imagination. He was/is weak. I thought we both had strong boundaries. Yeah, him? Not so much.
Due to financial reasons I cannot do anything in the foreseeable future. And that breaks my heart. But it will be OK since he believes all is well now, will not bring up any deep issues. We do get along well, on the surface. No fights, as I will keep quiet.
Won’t he be surprised????
Any advice on how to get thru this?
