SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been 2 years since D-day for us. I had a long distance long term affair, meeting in person 4 times over a 2 year period. My husband discovered the affair 2 years ago. I have had no contact with the AP, for 2 years; my husband and I have been in counseling this entire time, and we have worked to rebuild our marriage. I would like to take a break from counseling for a while, to take off the training wheels, as I explained to my counselor, and try things without help for a little bit. We scheduled our next appt for a month out, instead of our usual weekly visit.

My husband has been active on this site for 2 years, and asked me to sign on to ask the question here that he continues to ask me. He would like me to "dig deep" and figure out what deep seated problem there is inside me that caused me to behave in a way that hurt him so deeply. Through therapy, we have linked my behavior to the trauma of my sister being molested as a high schooler, and our keeping it a secret from my mother until our other sister couldn't keep it a secret anymore. The affair began within a month after my sister told my mom, as if having had a secret my whole life was normal for me, and so the AP asking me to tell no one, keep it secret "just between us" was normal life for me. I also revisited other traumas through therapy.

I am the primary financial support for our family, and have told my husband that I have done enough soul searching, and that I just want to have a marriage, take care of our kids, go to work, be involved in our community and live our life. I fear falling apart and being unable to work if I keep revisiting the traumas of my sister's and my childhood. The sister who was molested is unable to hold a job, and I don't want to end up there. My husband has been so traumatized by my behavior that he has hardly been able to function at work, and has slowly downsized his department, hoping to get fired. When I explain this to him, that is a lot of pressure to support the family and take care of him, the kids, the house, our bills, that that is enough for me, I don't need to dig into my soul to find all my demons, he doesn't agree. Please keep comment delicately. Thank you

Hi cosmas21...

Just wanted to drop in and say hello, and welcome to SI.

Was the tapering down of the counseling sessions something your husband agreed to as well? I do think it is good that you are still checking back in with the counselor, instead of just cutting off counseling cold turkey altogether.

I'm really sorry about the hardships you have experienced when you were younger. Do you think your A could have been some sort of "coping mechanism" with dealing with that? What kind of healthy coping mechanisms do you currently have in place?

I'm glad you've joined this site. You will find many great resources and people to help you along with similar experiences.

The EA and PA were definitely coping mechanisms, and outlets for anxiety. I had an eating disorder in high school, and learned that waiting for a text, was like an eating disorder, putting all my anxiety into when I would hear from the AP again. I made it a rule never to text first, thinking perhaps if he would just stop texting me, the whole thing would end without my having to do anything active to stop the affair. It was my husband finding a text, and starting NC, that finally freed me. It was a form of idolatry as well. A sermon at our church on infidelity while I was involved in the affair really helped me start to understand what I was doing, because he described affairs as idolatry. I had trouble maintaining friendships with my close neighbors, because I would think to myself, the Long distance AP's wife could be my neighbor if she lived on my street. The secrecy affected my relationships with everyone around me. I am very grateful to my husband for giving me a chance at reconciliation and forgiveness, and hope he can someday forgive me. I just wish he would stop telling me there is something horrible inside of me. I am just relieved to be out of the situation, because I was so addicted to waiting for a text from the AP, just as in high school I was obsessed with the number on the scale.

Reading your words what popped into my head was that Individual counseling for your husband might be a good idea.

You are healing. He sounds like he is not, IMHO.

What does your MC think about him telling you to dig deeper? What does your MC think about your husband's "wanting to get fired" behavior?

You going "to infinity and beyond" won't change your husbands low self-esteem, hurt, ability to forgive, and ability to move on. Only he can do that for him. Again, IMHO.

Good luck. JD

ETA: you laid a monster trauma on your husband with your affair. I am not blaming him in any way for that, and I've never walked a mile in his or any BS's shoes.

[This message edited by JustDesserts at 5:39 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

I don't need to dig into my soul to find all my demons, he doesn't agree.

Why not?

For me "finding all my demons", exposing them to the light, is what will get me healthy.

My tag line is "Your secrets keep you sick", for a reason.

Not finding out, and exposing the good, the bad, and the ugly, will keep me in a place where I could have another A.

The more I expose the better I feel. Keeping in all those shameful experiences from my past was really hurting me. Keeping it in gave it power. Letting them go has been a tremendously freeing experience.

I just wish he would stop telling me there is something horrible inside of me.

Why is this statement so wrong? There is something horrible inside of me that caused me to have my affair. Yet that doesn't make me a horrible person.

If you change your perspective to look at this additional deep-digging as doing something really beneficial and healing for yourself, the motivation to do so will come naturally. Healing yourself will become one of your greatest interests and passions in life. For me personally, I view it as a lifetime journey.

It seems like there is a lot of focus on whether or not your husband will forgive you. Why not just concentrate on doing the work on yourself instead? I think if you shift your focus from his forgiveness to doing the work on yourself, he will probably start feeling a lot safer in his relationship with you. If he ever gets to a point of forgiveness, that will be icing on the cake.

And who cares what the neighbors think!

Really glad you are here and continuing to post, cosmas21.

I think I can now understand the difference between digging deeper to find out my own issues that caused me to choose such destructive behavior, even if what I find is horrible, and being completely horrible on the inside.