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My BH and I are trying hard to R. While we were separated he was hanging out on occasion with a female co-worker of his...one who has a history of being involved in A with MM. To make it easier I am going to call her Mary ( not her real name)

Mary has been in a relationship with a MM for a couple years. He has children. His W recently found out about him and M so they broke up for a while but have recently started up again.

So my issue is this...My BH goes to work and talks to Mary and hears about her relationship with MM. My BH admitted to me last night that since she has gone back to her MM he is now concerned that I am going to do it also....she did it so why wouldn't I?

This brings me to the topic of friends of the marriage....to me it's probably not a good idea for my BH to talk to Mary about her A, cuz I can only see that causing problems with us and our R.

I did mention this to my BH and he agreed....but I wanted to post about it on here to see what others (WS and BS) thought about it. There have been times in the past I have thought one way about something and have been totally off base.

So what do you think? Thanks in advance!!

I agree with you that your BH should not spend time with Mary, but for a different reason. Mary obviously has no boundaries. She should not be around anyone's H, especially not yours. That said, your BH has a very legitimate reason to be worried that you would go back to your MM. It might take him a long time to stop feeling this way, and the best thing that you can do is reassure him and always be transparent. By the way, someone really should tell Mary's MM's wife that the affair is back on. She deserves to know.

Alyssamd

Quite frankly, as a BH..friend or not I would be sickened by Mary's behavior and I would want nothing to do with her. I am surprised your husband is o.k. with this.

As far as her being a friend, not a good idea, she is a known adulterer with low boundaries and not a friend of the marriage. She sure got involved in your husband's life quickly while you were separated. IMO she ain't safe for your marriage.

MM he is now concerned that I am going to do it also....she did it so why wouldn't I?

This is a perfectly valid question, regardless of whether Mary is in your husband's life or not. Hell, I still wonder if some day my wife is going to call her AP. I don't think she will...but the thoughts still cross my mind (one of the joyous legacies of her affair).

Thoughts of you going back to OM are going to persist. Not to be harsh, but it wasn't exactly as though you dumped OM and immediately went NC. You let it linger and held onto it. So yup, he's gonna have doubts about if you are going to go back to the OM. These are going to remain until you make yourself safe for him, and until he feels safe. And even then..the doubts will be there.

But yup, get Mary out of the picture, she's dangerous, and your BH should know this.

I know others disagree but going by what you've relayed here I don't understand how he thinks their continued friendship is a good idea. He chose to have a friendship with a know adulterer who has no qualms about having continued relationships with a MM. He chose to invite her to your home for dinner and is continuing a friendship that seems detrimental not only to your R but his own growth. I think he should take a step back from this.

Someone who is involved in an A is incapable of being a friend to anyone, including themselves.

There's a big difference between someone who is continuing an A and someone who has ended their A and is digging through their stuff. The first person is completely unsafe to be around and the second actually might be safe once the work is done.

I don't hang out with people having As and I'm wondering why your H would??

I'm a BW and this would cross a boundary I have in place to protect my marriage.

I don't engage in friendships with the opposite sex. There's no reason for me to share intimate details of my life with another man.

For 15 years I tolerated his "friendships" with women.

Never again.

No. Just no. He should definitely disengage, immediately.

Mary is not the type of woman that can be a real friend to you, or your husband. Do you recognize her lack of boundaries? Can you see for yourself, that she is desirous of attention from men?

Now, what I think is probably this: Your husband talks to her, thinking that he is "getting into the mind of an adulterer" and gathering information for his own understanding. Do you think this is helpful for him?

The folks on this forum who were adulterers are committed to change and personal growth. They aren't looking to have someone listen to their love talk, regarding someone else's spouse.

Mary is toxic.

He should stay away from her, starting yesterday.

Thank you for your responses everyone. I'm glad to see I'm not alone in how I feel.

My BH was very understanding when I mentioned it to him and like I said, could understand my point.

I am just concerned that if/when he talks to Mary it's going to make things harder with us. But I don't feel like I have the right to tell him who to be friends with.

I also don't understand why he would continue to talk to her about it, cuz I would think it would be a constant trigger. I wonder if maybe he thinks if he talks to her about her A maybe it will help him understand mine better? I know I need to ask him about this.

Loved me,

I posted my response before even seeing yours....I do think part of it is to get into the "mind of the adulterer). I understand why he would want to do that, but don't think it's a good idea.

IMO- it seems like this Mary is someone who gets some sense I self worth from giving MMs "what they are missing". 'My H's OW was a serial OW- she admitted to having three affairs with MM before mine (she is single).

Again- IMO- she is a shark and smells blood in the water. Your H is hurt and vulnerable. These women sense it an they feed their egos on it. And it all starts with an EA - she understands, he listens, she doesn't judge, etc etc. and then....boom.

You are right- you really can't make him stop anything- but run, don't walk, to express how you feel about this. My best wishes to you.

Benjamin Franklin once said: "An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" Your H should steer clear of Mary. It's hard for me to imagine that he would be OK with Mary's actions, when he has a ringside seat to the hell infidelity has caused in his(and your) own home.

I can see your BS picking Mary's brain in a bid to gain understanding into your A. However, I'd think that this would be triggery for your BH.

Bigger concern is Mary herself. I'd not be too keen on her being anywhere near your BH. If I were you, I'd be majorly concerned that she was trying to weasel her way in w/BH. JMO.

Also, Mary may have a secret/not so secret disdain for you, as the W. (I've spent a lot of time reading on OW sites, trying to get some understanding) She could possibly try to start an A w/your BH in a bid to get even w/her MM & his BS. If that makes sense. Just a scenario.

I get that you don't want to tell your BH who he can / can not socialize with. I'd try to oust this broad, asap. Obviously she is no friend of ANY M.

I am just concerned that if/when he talks to Mary it's going to make things harder with us. But I don't feel like I have the right to tell him who to be friends with.

“She’s a potential threat to our marriage, I’d prefer you don’t talk to her”

“You can’t talk to her anymore”

In the end, both say the same thing. One tells him what to do, while the other points out the threat to the M and how to protect it. The attitude it’s approached with makes a big difference.

As a BS, this chick set my radar off months ago when you first brought her up. She is bad. He needs to disengage ASAP.

And also, I feel like your A should have nothing to do with this. As his wife, you are uncomfortable with this "friendship". That should be enough.

Have you both read Not Just Friends? It might help him see how this is going down a slippery slope.

BW here -- First of all, I do not think ANY FEMALE or ANY MALE should be talking to the OPPOSITE sex about personal/ intimate issues... PERIOD. There is no such think as HARMLESS FLIRTING. My WH crosses those boundaries like one puts on shoes and I've DRAWN THE LINE. ZERO TOLERANCE.

So the fact that your BH is speaking to her in the first place is NOT RIGHT. Not only is it poison in your R, but ALSO it is constantly pouring salt in his wound. Unless he likes the constant stinging, some people are into that.

Just my 2 cents worth

"In the interest of our reconciliation efforts, it's probably healthiest for both of us to only be talking to people who are friends of our marriage. It's probably not wise for either of us to associate with people who themselves are engaging in affairs. We should bring this up in our next MC session."

Alyssa - you do actually have a right to tell him who he can't be friends with, as he does for you.

No women for him, and particularly, no cheating women!

At what age do we think we are NOT influenced by those we hang around with? 10? 16? 21? 42?

I am a BS. I work with a girl who is not happy until all men in the room are facing her....she is in kind of an open marriage (she has started conversations like that with me, and I quickly change the topic)....its a weird situation for sure. I see several married men I work with making all kinds of excuses to visit with her...one in particular has no reason to interact with her, and yet he does. It is rumored that several men I work with have spent intimate time with her...not confirmed though. A number of years ago we ran into one of these men during a lunch date....I offered for him to join us....he declined and seemed visibly nervous about something. 5 minutes later this woman showed up and they had lunch together. He is a much older married man. Curious....

Back to your post...

I went through the RA stage...had the thought that I deserved to be happy too. It was a dark time for me for sure....I resisted the urge to change who I hung out with (went through this wannabe rock star phase...live fast and hard kind of fantasies...phase existed only in my mind, but it was exciting).

My point is....and anyone not far into dealing with adultery in their marriage knows this....affairs can be had by anyone who is willing. They can and usually do develop over a very short time period. Opportunities are all around.

I know your husband thinks he can control himself, that she is not a temptation for him. But it takes only a small weak moment and he will cross the line into adultery. He may be particularly vulnerable since he has been hurt so deeply.

I think my wifes AP was pretty aggressive with his intentions to sleep with my wife...suspect she was not his first conquest outside of his marital bed....I saw him in an inappropriate position with another woman not his wife after he broke off with my wife.

I suspect he is like Mary. For what ever reason...Mary is not looking inside herself to change her cycle. I believe some people actively choose that way of life. I actually get it...no doubt it is unhealthy and shallow...but I could see how the fun and excitement would be intoxicating....that combined with the lack of heavy lifting is too much for some to resist. Still....if you really are choosing this lifestyle....why not be open about it? Divorce or have an open marriage? I guess part of the draw to this lifestyle is the excitement, erotic, forbidden nature of them.

My wifes AP broke it off with her pretty quick after two things happened. First, he had sex with her. Conquest was done. Second, he was exposed, removing the erotic nature of the affair. Upon my first DD I called the AP and told him I knew about the affair. He texted me back and told me the relationship had gotten further along then he intended and he would back away. This was BEFORE he had sex with my wife. So just the exposure of the affair to others was not enough to stop him (didn't stop my wife either...I get that too)....in fact, I think it was a challenge to him to continue until he laid her. I really believe once he did that he had no use for the illicit relationship...nothing else to gain, everything to loose sort of thing. To be sure nothing I did ended my wife's affair....I feel it ended because her AP attained what he wanted from it...nothing left to gain so he left.

My point is....your husband is only faithful until he is not. If Mary is aggressively trying to fix what is broken in her by sleeping with married men...his boundaries may do nothing but excite her more....a real challenge if you will.

With regards to your husbands concerns about you having another affair. I think that is valid. The only way adultery will not be repeated by someone who has committed it...is to change internally. You have hurt your husband so incredibly that you, having not been on the receiving end of this deepest of betrayal, can not fathom the pain. A BS can not see inside the WS so we only have the words and actions to rebuild trust with.

This takes time....a LOT of time. I still don't trust that my wife wont repeat this dreadful act. What I do trust is that I am in a better spot to deal with that betrayal much better then I did. And each week that goes by I am in better and better spots. My wife cant see inside me either...she has to watch my actions to trust that I am gaining strength.

BS really have been deeply deceived....we rack our brains as to how we could have missed this coming down the pike. It is tough to recover from.

Toxic people are toxic to all they come in contact with. Mary is toxic...

Early on I decided I did NOT want to have lunches, visit with, or hang out with guys I work with that embrace a lifestyle not conducive to marriage (jaded divorcees, married men who pride themselves on bedding down other women, going to Hooters, etc.). We chose a counselor that was marriage friendly too.

We become who we hang with. Try and find only healthy people...or at least non-toxic people...to hang with. for sure, everyone need other people besides their spouse to hang with. Right now I think it only appropriate for me to hang out with men and my wife to hang out only with women. That is new to me....if my wife wanted a running partner pre-A I would have been totally fine with that other person being a male. That is how trusting I was.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:51 PM, October 4th (Friday)]