I had asshat exH served with divorce papers. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, not because I loved him. No- that faded long before. But it was hard because I was afraid. I was afraid of him. I was afraid of trying to make it raising my DS without having a partner. I was afraid of breaking up the family. I was afraid of the unknown.
Despite all of that, I realized that what I feared more than all that is that I'd lose myself completely to his crazy. I was afraid I'd damage my DS further with all the constant fighting in my attempts to keep the family unit intact. I was afraid that DS would grow up thinking it was okay to treat people the way his dad treated me.
So, I stood up. I put one foot in front of the other. Packed up what was necessary. Withdrew my paycheck from the joint bank account. Took off work and had some fun with DS. We went shopping, went to the park to play, etc.
It was difficult. But I made it. Things aren't perfect, but it's a new routine, a new normal for us. At some point, the sun finally began to peek through the storm clouds, and now I'm finally standing in the sunshine.
SO said something to me the other day. He said, "rainbows are just light scattered in the clouds." It really resonated with me. I feel as though I am that light that's been scattered through the clouds, the storms of time and circumstance. But somehow things came back together and are beautiful now.
Idk if that makes any sense. I applaud you if you read all that drivel. But I felt like I needed to purge today.
