SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Again, thank you all for your replies. I read every single one closely and it means a lot.

It still hurts when he had his head turned and I saw those tears splashing down, not crying, just hard tears. It's a sight and a sad gut-wrenching moment I'll never forget.

He was ok today. Kept busy with his friends, and he helped me wash my truck. We never mentioned mom, and we went for a cruise and just guy talk. Just being his dad is all I'm being.

As angry as i still am about what she is doing, I know she suffered dysthemia/depression from about 2009 and forward (after her Mom died, a fallout with her dad, a non communication with her only sister, etc etc). I went thru so much THEN, never mind adultery and separation! I stayed true to my vows, and was by her side thru it all. There is no doubt in my mind that her mental issues are playing a big part in all of this. But it just makes no sense, even with how she's handling our 14 yr old. Like, ready to just toss him into her fantasy world, just like that...accept it and move on. They have ATVs and motorbikes you know. (ftr, so do we). Get over it. <---her world.

So sad.

Thanks to this site, and other reading I've been doing, I see this happens oh so often, whether they're a husband or wife. In good marriages or not so good. Wealthy, middle class, money-challenged. Northern hemi-sphere, southern hemisphere. Doesn't seem to matter. Poor mental health is destructive. I want to "save" her, the real her, but I know I cannot. Just let it unfold I guess. So confused. But I do know, marriage is over.

[This message edited by jackfish at 1:05 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

Even if they wanted to be saved (most of them do not) we can't save them from themselves.

It took me a very long time to accept that this is how he wants his life - he has chosen this. I believe his has a borderline personality disorder and he definitely has an anxiety issue. He chooses to medicate with booze, drugs and love.

It 'works' for him. Like any functioning addict he won't do a single thing until it doesn't work for him. I mean - losing his wife and 50% of his childrens time didn't make this feel like it wasn't working for him, what the hell will?

I also spent a lot of time mourning his lost potential and far too little investing in mine. That's where my energy goes these days. Yours will too - just got to get through the horrid 'what ifs' first.

The sad clown's atrocious actions in S/D helped me get to this place - I suspect your X will help you along in a similar way.

"spent a lot of time mourning his lost potential and far too little investing in mine"

StrongBtBroken - what an insightful quote. So true for so many of us.

EZ, yes great quote (except substitute "him" for " her"). As I've been getting out of the pre-Dday husband mode over the past 3 months, I am realizing how "off" I was in trying to become this savior, and the patterns of behavior and personality I had. My 14yr old son even said I'm different now. I really did not know WHO the hell I was. And I don't think WW really knows who the hell she really is right now either. It's like the movie Excorcist where this creature takes over a body.

All that said, as my mind de-clutters, and I move forward, with patience, I KNOW that my life will unfold for me as directed by me and my choices, and not that of a codependant dysfunctional spouse.

And thank you Strong. You should change your handle to Strong from Strongbutbroken. ;)

[This message edited by jackfish at 11:33 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

(((jackfish))) I cried many times reading your post. It's too bad your WS wasn't there to witness it. So sad, I'm so sorry these poor kids

(((jackfish))) You've had me in tears too. Wishing you strength. I am so glad you are having these open conversations with your son. It is really important and will help him tremendously. And will cement your relationship with him.

I can totally relate. My 2 oldest kids discovered the A 6 months before I did. My DD confronted WH a couple months later but he kept right on. Those kids are a mess. We didn't tell my youngest about the real reason for the S while we were trying to R. Finally, based on advice here and from our MC/IC/FC, I decided to tell him an age-appropriate version ( Dad fell in "love" with someone else ). Watching him sob for hours tore my gut open again. I was stoic though, and helped him examine his conflicting emotions and validated each and every one. We've had some great deep conversations since then. What really kills me is knowing my older 2 kids had to deal with that revelation on their own, with no adult to comfort them and reassure them that they would be okay. His ambivalence toward the damage he caused our children is beyond my comprehension.

Really feel sorry for all of our kids. I am glad yours seems to have a very level head and so glad you are being open and honest with him, without running her down. You are doing the right thing. My very best to you and DS.

ETA:

As I've been getting out of the pre-Dday husband mode over the past 3 months, I am realizing how "off" I was in trying to become this savior, and the patterns of behavior and personality I had. My 14yr old son even said I'm different now. I really did not know WHO the hell I was. And I don't think WW really knows who the hell she really is right now either. It's like the movie Excorcist where this creature takes over a body.

All that said, as my mind de-clutters, and I move forward, with patience, I KNOW that my life will unfold for me as directed by me and my choices, and not that of a codependant dysfunctional spouse.

Again, change the genders and you are speaking straight from my soul. Sigh. We WILL be stronger and better for this...someday.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 9:57 AM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Thank you so much Still! Folks on here so helpful and understanding. It is somewhat relieving that we're not alone in this bizarre-ness (if that's even a word, lol).

Everyday I've been working hard at moving forward, getting my ducks in a row, staying positive, getting my "self" back, etc. It's those goddam triggers. arrgghh, I wish they'd not pop up. That, and when my Ego wants her to truthfully in a sane mind, tell me, why. No lies, no omitting, just wth did I do or not do. Or what happened inside for her to suddenly do this. Besides her own mental health issues, how could she just sweep us, family, our life, everything under the rug!?! It's so mind boggling still!

I've been quiet about it with alot of friends and family, but many have told me "Jackfish, you are a great person", "you were great to her". Even her close friends and her family (my in-laws). NOBODY can figure this out.

I guess carry forward, soldier on, and with patience, perhaps SOMEDAY it will be revealed.

Hug back at you SS. I feel so bad for your kids too. but you sound sane, so they're lucky to have you!

[This message edited by jackfish at 4:38 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

Me? Sane? maybe sometimes... ha ha. Hard to feel sane these days. But I know I still am.

When I read your posts, I can't help but think you are the male version of me! (sorry that may sound creepy, isn't intended that way!) I've just heard the exact same things from EVERYONE who I've confided in. Even HIS friends who he's confided in have all told him he's nuts and he should run back to me and thank his lucky stars that I'd consider forgiving him. And, yes, even his own mother is on my side (although she still loves him, of course...). Why the heck can he not extract his head completely out of his backside? I just don't get it.

But like you, I'm working on me now. I'm learning, growing, and changing and if he doesn't get his stuff figured out (soon), he will be left in the dust. Too bad for him... His loss.

Reverse the genders again, but here's what I tell myself now: I want my kids to be proud of the woman I am going to become!

I don't know how you all deal with the added complication of the mental issues of your WW. That's got to be so hard on the kids too. Oh these poor kids, they are sure dealing with a lot. Best we can be is a stable influence for them and a strong moral example. I will teach them through my example. I know they are watching. You will do the same, I know...

@SS

Not creepy, understood, lol.

Ya the depression, etc issues have been around for a few years. My boys (21 & 14) lived thru it where it just became the norm. It was liveable cuz ""I"" made it liveable. I could write a book about my last 4 years with her. But, prior to all of this affair crap, I loved and cared for her wholly every single second of each day. As bizarre as she got at times.

I have done a lot of reading regarding her situation and found one article where a timeline/stages of depression/bipolar and leading up to affairs (the no-good-reason-why type). It was TEXTBOOK my WW. So, that has helped me digest alot of this; knowing the A wasn't really my fault. All I know is this. If she follows thru with this guy (who BTW is nothing special), boy oh boy oh boy is he in for some interesting times ahead, assuming the initial ""fog" wears off eventually! I hold PhD's in MyWifeology! lol. He's just a freshman learning the 101 classes!

SS, keep growing, keep giving that love to your kids. And TY so much for your feedback and inspiration. And your time for listening.

JF

[This message edited by jackfish at 8:22 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]

So so sorry that is hard I told our 15 yr old daughter but I told her I still love him and we are working on it.

she turned around and what the hell for mom he's a loser and I'm not going with any bitch whore like his brother did with my cousin..

I said he isn't because I wouldn't allow it because he would be dead .. But anyway she holds a lot of hatred for him since she was used and ignored by WH to be with his gf. I talked to her and said I was not going to tell her but all the fighting wasn't hiding it. She thinks it's better that we told her and it helped since we told her school about home problems. It affected her grades quite a bit.

Still so sorry.. I am not sure if we are R or heading for D. I am tired.

Dreamland, I feel for your daughter. I do not have a daughter, many many nieces, but no daughter. If I did, I'd rather jump into a pit of cobras than diss my daughter for some slut. Daughters should be precious above all.

The stbx mothers our sons through text and facetime. Wow. the boys don't seem to care much since she's hardly been in their lives anyway.

Kids that age are smart, they figure shit out anyway for alot of them go through stuff with their peers, etc. so we may as well spill the beans. But why should WE do all the dirty work, right. POS's are liars, that's why.

Think strong dreamland!

I'm sorry, Jackfish. We're dealing with this right now with DD...the questions come out of nowhere and she is thinking all the time.

The questions kids ask and the things they know will never fail to amaze me. It's spurring her on to ask about my divorced parents and my twice divorced mother. XPervert forced this on us as everything else, but it's out now, like with you guys.

Advice to me is to be this stone faced person and let no one see my tears. People actual advised me, "it's ok to pretend it's ok", when for me, it never has been.

And you know what? I think kids see through bs very soon, for DD questions my mother, who is very much like Xpervert with the glitter but lack of substance in Dd's life. That's how her father's turning out and she's already questioning his motives for why he wants her to go "there".

Yes, like your son, he is painting this castle in the sky for her, but she's already got anger and confusion. Now she'll be taken there without her mother to help her when they let her down and I feel for your son who won't have your help when he's there to pick him up again.

It's also not easy to give them explanations without negativity sometimes, isn't it? But the high road beckons and seems to be the safest place still...