SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

t/j

With regards what porn did to me....it took my freedom away. It is true sin creates bondage....I feel like a free man.

blakesteel, Mr. HBH says the same thing. Since he has quit all forms of sex that don't directly include me, he says he feels free for the first time since he first viewed porn. He knew he felt bad about what he was doing, but now he realizes just how it affected every area of his life. He feels like a new man, who got rid of a ton of bricks.

HBH

To the original poster- strip clubs will always be a divisive topic since strippers and stripclubs vary wildly by geographic location.

For example, a high-end strip club in Las Vegas with 100 high-end girls, no contact dances only, expensive cover charge will have a totally different experience and quality of employees than say Ralphs Boob Shack off Highway 62 with 7 "dancers", VIP rooms with beds/doors, and one dancer featuring all her teeth.

So everyone is going to argue based on their own biases/experiences or at least what they've heard of other's biases/experiences.

That being said, it really doesn't matter what you feel about strip clubs. If it's a relationship boundary, then that is what it is. It could be reversed that you don't like Tupperware parties.. i.e. you believe women use them to gossip and tell secrets about each other's husbands and whether or not this is the case with your wife's parties, you can express you don't feel comfortable and her participation is an issue for you.

This can go for book clubs, sporting events, golf trips, fitness conventions, etc. etc. etc. In relationships, there will always be individual activities that a spouse may not feel comfortable about. It's not about proving them "wrong" moreso than it is to understand it bothers them or makes them feel bad, so we then have to decide if we can find a happy middle ground, or decide if we can make sacrifices to keep the marriage happy and comfortable.

I think what is considered "cheating" is more about how individuals feel about the act and less about clear cut lines. Cheating is any emotional or sexual activity that is either a secret or violates the trust of a partner. In your marriage, it violates her trust and feeling of safety, so it is wrong.

I totally agree. THIS is the big point. If it's porn, or strip clubs, or erotic literature or a too familiar conversation about the marriage with a neighbor.

What we need to focus on is trust and safety. Your BS's trust in you and in your marriage, and your BS's safety being vulnerable, loving and trusting in your marriage.

If strip clubs FEEL like a violation to our spouse, then they are a violation in the marriage.

Personally I've never had a problem with them, have gone to a few with my husband in the US and while traveling. They are very different experiences depending on where you go. I've seen "dancers" just walking back and forth chewing gum and looking bored as hell, and I've seen performers who are really talented and appear to be enjoying their time on stage. I've never seen a lap dance, but maybe I have and it's just not what I picture when I hear the phrase - I wouldn't be comfortable watching a naked woman on my H's lap, no, but he knows that. We haven't gone in years because we're kind of not in that adventurous place anymore. Because of FW/BH's (we are mad hatters) affair I have a different set of triggers entirely. And it's up to FWH to respect the boundaries of our marriage, whatever we build them to be.

[This message edited by circe at 6:35 AM, October 18th (Friday)]

I have no idea if WxSO went to strip clubs while we were together - it's possible he could have a few times while out with the guys, but I don't know for sure.

My problem with strip clubs is not the naked bodies - it's the money spent. I wouldn't care if he went if he wasn't spending any money there. But I'd prefer he not spend any money on those activities.

Porn was not an issue for me either - had we R'd, I wouldn't have changed my stance on that either. I have always been ok with it and don't believe it contributed to his affair in anyway.

My wxh used to go to a local strip club. When he came home, he was always horny.

It seemed to me like he was using me as a masturbation tool. It's like I wasn't even a part of the act.

I hate to bump this post all the way back to the top, given that it hasn't been commented on in some time, but I wanted to weigh in specifically on this thread.

Warning: Details.

I never saw the danger of strip clubs. Then came DDay #1 - which involved a hand job from a stripper in a VIP room with a slight bit of oral for lube.

The INSTANT it was over, I was absolutely disgusted with everything about myself. I haven't been able to even think about going to one ever again. Here's the thing, my wife and I went a few times a while back, and it was fun, but uncomfortable.

I never had a problem going to one before, but you can be damned sure I'll never go to one again. I was in Chicago on a wife-approved Business Trip, and the guys I was out with suggested going to a club.

I instantly said "Nope. Won't do it. There aren't many things I'm not willing to do with the guys, but I will NOT go to any kind of strip club". If they wanted to go fine, but I would head back to the hotel and chill, and this was while I was pretty drunk - which for me, is a big deal. It was one of the first times since we've been working together for the last 1.5 years where I really FELT a difference in myself, and was proud of myself.

In any case, what I really wanted to say was that I second MediumRare and Circe, that it's all about the boundaries you set in your own relationship. If Strip Clubs are no big deal for you, then hey, have fun. BUT if there is any hint of trouble, OR if there has ever been a Wayward, it should be automatic that the clubs become a no-no, simply based on their history.

I have been to a few clubs in my life, and NEVER thought about doing what happened that night. I also NEVER would have thought that stuff actually happened right there in the rooms, but it did, and it does.

Now I think about that night and it's just plain disgusting. Never, ever again.

I learned from my stupidity and immaturity. It wasn't planned or on purpose, but it wasn't a mistake.

In any case, I hope a real life example of what can happen can help some of you that may have been on the fence about this subject.

Our state is one of those dance-only, no contact states. My WH and I have had a few fun nights out in the city going to strip clubs. Here there are always a few other women and couples/groups out together. If he was going out on his own and hiding it or dropping loads of our money I would consider that cheating.

My H was taken to one once and did whatever they do there I guess. But it was a job meeting there. What i don't get is why any business is conducted in this type of place? Its gross. how that jobs expect men to go these places. now this was early on in our marriage. The second time he was taken there...he backed out of it...and soon after he was fired.

A few people have said that going to strip clubs is part of the work culture and this just boggles my mind. Wtf? How can this be acceptable? Don't these places have any women working there?

I swear, if I worked at a job that organised meetings at a strip joint I'd lodge a formal complaint about it. That's just not on.

My opinion on strip clubs are that they are the 'gateway drug' to cheating. Most men I have known who admit to frequenting them also cheated on their wives. On top of that, they are seedy and sad and encourage men to have a distorted and unhealthy view of women.

FWH was into this.

He considers it to be his gateway drug.

And as such, I am not completely non-judgemntal.

I would ask anyone, not so much what is bad about this, but exactly what is GOOD about this? What is so amazing about this that you want to insert it into your marriage and family? What???

Why is it so irresistable???

This is what I do not understand.

Whether it is an image or a real person, when it comes to the intimate things.....the things that are supposed to be amazing and special and just between you and your spouse....why insert ANYONE else???? Why? Ever?

I would implore anyone and everyone, especially those of us who have been through this, to excise this from your life. To finally, once and for all, make this a special thing between you and your spouse. Bc it is awesome if it is special. But otherwise, it is just "scratching an itch"....