Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: FaithGrace

Reconciliation :
Such a Huge, Yet Small Moment in Our R

This Topic is Archived
default

 TimeToManUp (original poster member #37538) posted at 4:31 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

As some of you may know, I work for an electric utility company. My hours tend to be absurd at times, none worse than during the fall and spring outages when demand is low and equipment can be safely taken out of service. 40 hours of OT or more is not uncommon during these times, and I've already worked just shy of 1000 this year already.

So yesterday, I texted TCD to let her know my jobs were running late, and she was (once again) going to have to bring the kids to hockey alone. I told her that I understand how frustrating it can be to manage with these hours and three kids, and I thanked her for her understanding.

She responded by saying "It's OK, do what you have to do. I love you."

It may seem like a small thing, but for us communication has always been a weak point. I've always felt that her responses to such information in the past made me feel worse than I already did for having to miss more time with my family. I'm sure that wasn't what she was intending, but that was how it was received on my end. And my own hangups about not wanting to make her upset would-lead to passive-aggressive conflict-avoidant behaviors. So it was very nice to have that exchange and neither of us walked away hurt or suspicious or whatever other emotions may have been brought forward in the past. It seemed like a huge step forward in my eyes.

I love my BW very much and I hope this was just one of many small steps towards a brighter future for our family.

I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.

posts: 230   ·   registered: Nov. 18th, 2012   ·   location: New Jersey
id 6520971
default

authenticnow ( member #16024) posted at 4:32 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

DS, you are forever in my heart. Thank you for sharing your beautiful spirit with me. I will always try to live by the example you have set. I love you and miss you every day and am sorry you had to go so soon, it just doesn't seem fair.

posts: 55165   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2007
id 6520974
default

roses303 ( member #40161) posted at 4:59 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

That is a huge step. WH and I were stuck in that passive aggressive communication loop too. It is a huge thing, not a small one that you are breaking the pattern!

Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

posts: 141   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2013   ·   location: roses303
id 6520997
default

TattoodChinaDoll ( member #34602) posted at 5:31 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

I think this is a good lesson for all BS and WS who are reconciling or considering it. During the A I said the same things to him. I told him I missed him when he was working. I told him that everything was ok at home with, at that time, a 6 year old, 2 year old, and a newborn while he was working. But yet some of his justifications were that I didn't appreciate him and that he took me for granted. I think that really demonstrates how the A isn't about what the BS is lacking but what was really wrong with the WS. Whether its passive agressiveness, narciccistic traits, depression, etc etc...those things need to be fixed to have a healthy relationship. TTMU said it perfectly when he said that was his perception. And the unfortunate part is that he didn't communicate that with me. But I'm not blameless either. I should have not given up on communicating with him. I posted in Off Topic about how with my kids that I don't give up of something doesn't work with them. I try something else. I felt like I had tried everything with him. Being codependent (and weirdly only with him) and making his issues mine left me feeling like I had no other way to communicate. But I did. Because he is him and I am me. I had always defined myself by him. In R both the WS and BS need to look at themselves.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:25 PM, October 12th (Saturday)]

Me: 35
WH: 37 TimeToManUp
Married: 14 years, together 19 years
3 daughters: 12, 8, 6, and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)

D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.

posts: 1841   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2012   ·   location: New Jersey
id 6521021
default

eachdayisvictory ( member #40462) posted at 5:41 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

I love hearing this wayward side perspective! That feels like where we are.

We spent 15 years handling our disagreements with passive aggressiveness, and it never felt good. I wondered aloud several times if other couples were like us, or if there was something wrong with us. The mistake is that we never went to therapy, never talked about it, and my H found someone else to talk to about it.

That hurts. A lot. But I didn't do anything about our problems either. That doesn't make the A any less of a betrayal or selfish act or mistake, but it happened, and if we want to move forward, we need to fix us - like you seem to be.

I never really listened to my H when he talked about work. All I heard were excuses or justifications as to why he continuously chose to give himself to work over family. The fact that he found time to have an affair is still, and probably always will be, a tender and painful thing for me.

But now we work out our family time together. We make decisions about our work schedules together. He still makes choices that I disagree with, but he listens to my side thoughtfully and considers what I have to say - and I am doing the same. Now if we lament our lack of family time, it is real and it is together. We problem solve it together, figure out what we need to feel good about our time and how to handle that which we cannot change.

It's beautiful, and no small moment at all. It's a reward for the work you have been doing, and I have felt the warmth and comfort of those 'small' rewards too.

Thanks for sharing.

me, BW: 37
FWH: 38
together 19 years, M 13 years
Dday: Feb 2013
LTA for 2+years
children: 2 boys age 6 and 9
Reconciled

posts: 530   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2013   ·   location: nova Scotia, Canada
id 6521034
default

confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 5:45 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

This *is* huge!

Congratulations to both of you..you have worked your asses off to get to where you are now.

It's a beautiful thing to "see."

Thanks for sharing.

BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10



..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


posts: 15220   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2011
id 6521039
default

Skan ( member #35812) posted at 5:56 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

This is a lovely post! I'm so glad to hear that the two of you are actually hearing what the other has to say and not reacting to what you think the other implied, and valuing each for the gifts you bring to your marriage.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012


posts: 11513   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2012   ·   location: So California
id 6521048
default

bionicgal ( member #39803) posted at 6:50 PM on Saturday, October 12th, 2013

I love it when folks in our R community "do good!" Hoorah!

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

posts: 3521   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2013   ·   location: USA
id 6521086
default

HardenMyHeart ( member #15902) posted at 5:10 AM on Sunday, October 13th, 2013

Me: BH, Her: WW, Married 40 years, Reconciled

posts: 7038   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2007
id 6521587
default

JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 12:03 PM on Sunday, October 13th, 2013

Good to hear! I hope you two have a great weekend. :)

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 6521682
This Topic is Archived
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20250404a 2002-2025 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy