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6 weeks and counting since I moved out. She has made it clear that she isn't changing her mind. That this is her path and I need to move on. She wants to move forward with a divorce and start her life over. She said she tried for 10 months but she doesn't have any more to give to the marriage. Our marriage is over - her words. This whole situation is overwhelming to me mentally and emotionally. I'm having a difficult time accepting this and focusing on how I can make my life better. I still go to IC every week. I see my kids as much as I can. I've accepted the advice to start taking care of me. My problem is that as soon as I wake up in the morning sadness kicks in and my mind begins the torture of depression the entire day until I go to bed. I can't make it stop. Sometimes I'll try and rationally think that this is what it is. Start moving forward with my life. Be positive and things will get better. Then why do I have this feeling in my heart of despair? We had everything for 16 years. So many great memories. Our marriage was great. Then bc of my selfish and other personal issues I strayed for 3 months. Now our world is turned upside down and I can't stop spiraling. Yesterday I was hanging out with my son-12. I could tell he was sad. When I said goodbye bc his mother was coming home I could see the sadness in his eyes. He's a sweet sensitive kid. Very grounded and sometimes older than he is. He understands this is where we are and why. And he's not always sad. But yesterday he was. Which made me more upset with myself for turning my family's world upside down. And there's nothing I can do to change it. I'm still in love with Kate and miss her. I miss my family. I'm trying to come to grips but I can't shake this.

Hi kroma,

I'm sorry that this is that path you find yourself on. And you've probably heard it before, but it will get better with time. Working on you means working through what you've done, not just to your BW and your kids, but what you've done to you.

I have a theory regarding the feelings you describe from the time you wake up until you fall asleep again. That theory is that there is something in those feelings that is comfortable to you. I remember those feelings to some degree. It isn't that you "enjoy" the feelings, just that they are what you know, or they hit on something that takes you to another time emotionally that you may not recognize. I think that you have to get to the bottom of that before you can really begin to accept what is happening in your life right now.

What do you do in IC?

I've been in IC for over a year. I started immediately after d-day. I've discussed everything from my past, my family growing up, my job, my A, the AP, who I am now, who I want to be, my wife, my kids, but lately I spend my time dealing with what I've been going through weekly. She gives me good advice. A lot of the same advice I get from this site or my friends and family.

As for my feelings from morning to night I hate them. My sleep is off. I don't eat regularly. I've lost 20 lbs in 2 months. I hate this funk that I'm in. I'm confused and frustrated. It's hard hearing those words come out of Kate's mouth. I want to be happy. But it doesn't seem possible without her. She was the woman of my dreams and anyone else is second best and will always be. Just struggling still.....

Admin - I forgot to uncheck the STOP button....looking for advice from anyone. Can you fix that please? Thanks.

Your pain is palpable. And your efforts to save your possibly unsaveable marriage sound earnest and thorough.

It's too bad those contemplating straying can't be forced to read your words first. I think a lot of them would think twice if they did.

And reading your words those of us who are being given the gift of reconciliation can remind ourselves just how lucky we are, and the responsibility we have, to be authentic and true. To hold dear and tight the love and trust we are handed by those we hurt the most.

Is there anything else you can think of regarding your reconciliation attempts that you haven't tried? Sort of making sure you've "left it all on the field".

Sorry for your pain. Chin up, though I'm sure that is much easier said than done. Your words do help others.

JD

JD

If I could tell my story to anybody that even thinks about straying I would. The single most horrible thing I've ever done. I have hurt my wife beyond belief. It's been over a year and she still feels the pain. It kills me to know I did this. My kids will be ok but I know they wish things were different. My wife, kids, family, friends, job, everything and everyone gets affected. One thing I will say is that no matter who I'm ever with I will never put anyone through this. Never.

As for leaving it on the field I've tried evrything I can think of except accepting this outcome. When this 1st happened last year we got back together too quickly. She never had time to heal. So the last 10 months she's become bitter and angry and now wants closure. I agree that we should be separated. But I was hoping for a trial separation. I was hoping that we would be separated and at the same time figure out how she can handle the anger and what I did to her. She says she can't get past those 3 months regardless of how great our life was and what it could be. No matter how far I've become as a person. It all doesn't matter. It's her choice now and this is where she's at.

I've been on the internet all morning looking up info on how to cope hoping to find something I haven't learned yet. My days are just so long and sad. I hate waking up and I hate going to bed.

For those that have the gift of reconcilliation-cherish it. Cherish every single second. Bc it could all be over just like that. If Kate evr gave me the opportunity to be hers again or to even try she would not be dissappointed. I guarantee it. She would be loved, respected, cherished, appreciated and taken care of like she deserves. I know I can give her everything if she wants it to happen. I just don't think she wants that anymore. A sad ending to what was a beautiful life.

Kroma,

This is the reality, some BS's cannot stay in a marriage with someone that betrayed them. It's not that something is 'wrong' with them, it's actually a more rational approach when you think about it....

Thant being said, are you just giving up and giving in to your own confusion about all of this?

Allowing yourself to become a victim of your own endless self pity?

That's what it sounds like to me....

Have you read any books about marital recovery from infidelity?

The one that helped me the most was; Surviving An Affair, by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

I followed it up with his other books, of which my favorite was, Fall In Love, Stay In Love.

Take the time to start reading and investing in making the changes in yourself, as outlined in books like these. Otherwise, you're going to spiral down even farther.

I'm here to tell you that moping around, allowing confusion & depression to take you over is very un-attractive. Take the steps necessary to be the man your wife and children need you to be.

It sounds like you've dug up enough of the old bones buried in your past. Maybe it's time to focus on looking ahead with a fresh vision.

Card,

Believe me if I could just walk away and start working on me I would. It's not like I don't want it to happen. It's not like I enjoy feeling this way. I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now and reaching out for anything that might help. Your suggestion on the books is a good idea. After the A I read a book called After The Affair. In fact my wife bought a copy as well. I learned a lot from it. Your advise to read more is a good one.

I'm not looking for any magic words here. I'm just having a difficult time with knowing I will probably never have a relationship with Kate again and will never have our family together again. I'm doing the best I can.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed right now and reaching out for anything that might help.

Then take some heart in responses from those who have gone before you. You will make it. You have to work through it. But you also have to be ready to work through it. Sometimes it takes a while to even be ready to begin working on it. Take your time if you need.

Hey Kroma,

I'm sorry you're in the place you are. Even though my BS and I are attempting R, I am well aware of the fact that it could change at any given moment. It sucks. and I feel for you. I really do. Its obvious you are in tremendous pain.

What Card said...

Take the steps necessary to be the man your wife and children need you to be.

Maybe this is what your wife needs to see. Perhaps she still sees you only as the guy who cheated on her and stomped on her heart. Maybe she doesn't see you any differently. And maybe its because you aren't any different. From some of your past posts, it seems you keep reacting in a similar way to things that gets her upset. So she sees you as the same old Kroma.

Become who you want to be. Decide right now the man you ought to be, and move towards that. Because this, what you are doing right now, its doing you no good. Its actually doing you alot more harm, and in the mean time doing more damage to what's left of your relationship. I know you hurt. It's probably more hurt than you have ever felt in your entire life. But alway always always remember that she has been hurt more than she has been in her entire life.

Change to be the man you were meant to be. The man to keep her safe. Show her that man each and every day through your actions. Make her your driving force to change. At the end of the day, it may or may not matter to her. But you'll be better a better man. And that's all any of us can hope for.

Unforgiveable

I'm moving into a better place for myself and for my kids. It's closer to the house. Bigger than my apartment. I'm hoping I will feel better by just having a better place to hang out with my kids. Kate has seen me change over the course of the year. In fact it's not the change but why the change. You're 100% right that her hurt is worse. I can never imagine what she went through. And I'm sure she's going through a lot at this very moment. She definately wants me to be happy and take care of myself. To have a better place for the kids to go. Although she is a driving force for me to be a better person I know I need to do this for me. I also know I need to let her go for her. I just hope she comes back.

From a BH perspective, one thing my wife's affair taught me is that we really have no control over someone else's actions. The flip side of that - a WS has no control over how the BS reacts to the trauma of discovering the affair. They say that for some it's a dealbreaker. The truth IMO - it's a dealbreaker 100% of the time. An affair is for all intents and purposes an emotional divorce of the other spouse, if not one that shows up in court records. A broken deal. The only question is whether the spouses are going to enter into a new deal with each other. And that has nothing to do with a marriage certificate.

All you can do from here on is move forward and be the best man you can be. Be the best father you can be. And if given the opportunity, be the best husband to Kate that you can be. Words are nice, but your actions will tell the true story about what's in your heart.

Best wishes, I hope it works out for the best.

Sal

Interesting you say that about the dealbreaker. Kate is right when she says our marriage is over. She took her ring off a long time ago and last week she asked me to take mine off. Bc it doesn't mean anything to her. Through this whole experience I have often said that if given a chance to R it would be a fresh start. New marriage. New rings. New vows. New everything. A fresh start on the second half of our life. Problem is that's an opinion of one. One thing I can tell you through this whole mess is that my relationship with my kids have gotten so much better.

That's a positive. Thanks for the advice.

kroma,

Best advice I can give (and this may sound trivial), is exercise.

I don't know if you run, or jog, or work out, or whatever, but your mind needs a break, and on my darkest days, exercise was what helped. And not just a little bit, but exercise until you can't do it anymore, until you are exhausted past exhaustion. At some point during that exercising (a long run, lets say), your brain will shut down. It's a natural response, a focusing of energy, if you will. Your brain will stop with the thoughts and the turmoil and it will focus everything it has on putting one foot in front of the other, or lifting that next weight, or climbing that next stair.

And then, when it is done, you'll get that little natural endorphin release and maybe, just maybe, you'll feel normal for a few minutes.

I know it's not much, but it's what I got. There are no magic pills or special tricks to this stuff. If your mind won't stop, if the depression and whatever is getting the best of you, if you're having trouble sleeping, exercise.

And like I said... not just mild exercise... do it until you can't do it anymore. It helps. It really helps.

awesome post, Sal.

it IS a dealbreaker, for most people... sometimes the BS is pretty PA about letting us know though...

I'm a PT/DT instructor for my dept but when this happened I stopped. I miss working out and your advice is right on. I shifted my focus on making everything right and never continued to help myself. Thanks.

Respectfully, if you don't mind me asking because my WH won't talk about it. Why don't you think of the possibility of losing your wife and devastating your family when you are taking those first steps down the slippery slope into an A? I don't understand how you can love someone so much, have a perfect life and happy marriage, and yet risk everything for someone and something that means nothing to you. I could maybe get that you have an extreme lack in judgement once, but then why stay in it? Why repeat it?

Regardless, I feel very sorry for what your wife, your children and you are going through. If I could give any advise from my own experience, I would say you need to make it all about her and her pain right now. Try not to focus so much on yours because right now she doesn't really care what you are going through. She is hurting so much right now that she can't help you. Help yourself by helping her. Try to be around, even if she says she doesn't want to see you. Just be available. Help with the kids, wash her car, fix things around the house. For me the absence just created more distance, and the more he was around the more I came around. Good luck,I wish you all the best.

BTW...There is a post "The Life Boat", I'm not sure how to find it, but it was very insightful. I have a copy which I sent to my WH, I changed it a bit by removing the abbreviations. If you would like it I can post it for you.

You bring up great points about why. There is a long story as to why and what and it's something I learned not only from IC but from reading posts and looking at myself for a year. We did have the perfect marriage for a long time which is why this is so hard for Kate. Bc she doesn't understand why either. Even after IC/MC and talking it still makes no sense. Not to me either BTW. I make no excuses and have owned all believe me. No matter what the why's are there's never any excuse for straying. Period. Bottom line was I was selfish and had a total disregard for my family only thinking of myself. Something I will hate forever.

I offer to help every day. Between our two kids sports and just me coming around the house when she's not home to mow or clean or whatever I'm always offering. Cook dinner and leave before she gets home. Anything I can do to help I'm doing. And she's been great letting me do those things.

If you don't mind reposting that info that'd be great. I'll try/look at anything that could help. Thank you.

Hey Kroma,

I think what you are feeling makes perfect sense. Because when we actually have to face the consequences of our actions, it IS incredibly painful. Knowing that we have hurt our partners, children, family and friends with our selfishness, not to mention ourselves, is a sober lesson.

I wouldn't rush past the lowness you feel now. Because that is where you are at, and you are finally really feeling the true extent of your loss. And the loss is devastating. Feeling all this is what is going to change you. You will get through this, and eventually you will start to like yourself again.

Unfortunately, and as hard as it is, feeling the agony of your actions, the pain of loss, is the only way to getting into a healthier place. There is no going around it - only through.

...and if that means that this brings you to your knees with the enormity of it all, then that is where you should go.

Thank you for your honesty and insight. I guess that really does some it up... there just isn't a good answer for why. We too had what I thought was a wonderful life and family, it's so hard to believe this could happen to us. I guess that's what most people think though.

Anyway, here's the post...

Weathering The Storm

Batten down the hatches and ride out the storm. Anchor yourself and stop rocking the leaky boat.

First thing first. You blew up your marriage ship. It is dead in the water and it is your fault as the wayward spouse (WS). There is a life boat. You and your spouse escape the sinking ship in the life boat. Now, there is a storm of the century barreling down on your little life boat and you need to hang on.

1. There is no room in the life boat for the affair partner (AP). NONE, NO ROOM AT ALL. If you keep them in the life boat with you it is going to sink. If you throw them overboard and keep trying to pull them back in or they keep hanging on the side YOUR BOAT IS GOING TO SINK! The only way to get them out of your life boat is to tell your spouse everything, EVERYTHING. Timelines-to-toenails. Once that is all out in the open all of the extra weight in the boat is gone and you have a chance to survive.

2.Your betrayed spouse(BS) is busy. Your BS is bailing water like mad, trying to keep themselves from drowning in the bottom of the life boat that you have them trapped in. They can’t stop bailing during this storm to soothe you, to comfort you, to make sure you are okay. Suck it up, man up, and help bail. They are in the boat with you, as long as they are in the boat with you then you have a chance. You have the chance to save your spouse and yourself. DON’T WASTE IT.

3.Your spouse is exhausted. The Storm drops down to a steady rainfall. You are in the middle of the ocean with no land in sight. You are both still in the boat. When your spouse can’t bail anymore it’s up to you to save you both, so start cleaning out the bottom of the boat. It will feel like you can't ever find the bottom, that the water just keeps rising. KEEP BAILING! Even if your spouse is passed out. YOU HAVE TO KEEP BAILING TO SAVE YOUR LIVES! This life boat is the only chance you are going to get to save your marriage, it’s small, rickety, and leaking. Despite all of it’s flaws this life boat is all that is saving you and your spouse.

4. Getting ready to work. The storm has passed, the skies are still overcast, it’s cold, windy and miserable and you are still stuck in the middle of a turbulent sea with a spouse that doesn’t trust you in a leaky, crappy little boat. You can’t make your spouse trust you. All you can do is COMMIT to saving yourself and your spouse.

5. Prepare yourself first. Get it clear in your mind that you are in it for the long haul and reassure your spouse that you are not going to leave them alone in the life boat. EVER! You are going to stay in that life boat until your spouse throws you overboard. Tell them that over and over again. Let them know you are working your ass off to keep them safe. Your spouse can’t help you. They are exhausted, wounded from the blast, battered by the storm. Asking them to help you would be like asking a Prisoner of War to fight for the country that captured them. It is just wrong. You need to gather yourself together. Rinse off the dirt and grime, find anything useful floating in the water that might help you fix the life boat.

6.Repairing the life boat. You need to find all the tools and material to fix the life boat. You may have to dive to the bottom of the ocean and salvage an old ship wreck. You may have to paddle your life boat around to find flotsam and jetsam to use. Start at the bottom. These tools consists of Councelling, Books, Self healing resources, etc… Use the tools and materials that are at your disposal to clear out all of the murky water and start repairing the floor of the life boat.

7. There is mud, muck, seaweed and dead fish in your boat.

****The dead fish have to go first. They are thoughts of the other person (OP). Why the hell are you missing them? If you miss them so much get a divorce. That is the bottom line. If you leave the dead fish in the boat, all that you are going to get is a life boat that stinks of death, decay and rotten fish. They were a anatomically correct life-sized blow up doll and they used you in the same way. Put them where they belong. Out of your thoughts.

****The seaweed is next. This in the idea that somehow your spouse’s behavior before the affair added to the reasons that you had an affair. Yep, you heard me. The affair is 100% your fault. Is 50% part of the overall marital problems theirs? Nope. If your thinking was messed up and led to you have an Affair, it was and is probably messed up thinking about the dynamic of your marriage. You can become tangled in marital history and lose sight of what you are fighting for, and lose your commitment to saving your marriage.

I’m not talking about rewriting the marriage history to justify an Affair. I’m talking about subconscious blame shifting onto the normal problems that a marriage faces. Like when your wife didn’t pay attention to you because she was too busy raising your kids.

Hope this is helpful. I will be praying for you.