SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Of course I'm thinking about what to do at the end of the 30 days. Of course I have a plan. Of course I'm making a list of what boundaries I want to set.

I can't post those things online because he reads my posts. If I put that I need him to do XYZ or that I need him to say XYZ, then he'll know exactly what to say and do at the end of the 30 days, and I won't know what's real and what's not real. That's why I don't post those things on here.

I post on here that I'm sad. I'm sure that's no big surprise to him reading that. Of course I'm sad. I don't feel like that's communicating with him because I assume he already knows that.

You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.

It is very sad though

I'm feeling sad and scared. I feel sad when I think about everything that has happened. I feel scared when I think of the future.

Most of the time I stuff the feelings down so that I can function in my life, but right not it just hurts so much. I feel so sad.

I'm sad. I'm sure that's no big surprise to him reading that. Of course I'm sad.

Why are you sad?

What are you doing to change that, and pull yourself out of sadness?

IMHO, it's not any man's role to make you happy. (But it is your partner's responsibility NOT to emotionally abuse you.)

I don't understand why I'm never enough. All I want is to be enough.

From another CoDep here to another, you are MORE then enough. Far more. You do TOO much. When someone is codep they see love as them doing everything for someone else, then what happens is we enable their behavior to continue. We somehow think it is up to us to make them better.

I say this next thing with true compassion: The reason why they cheat on you is because you pick them. Over and over again. You seek out the same type and then wonder why you are so sad and loney and hurt.

Keep working on NC. Please don't look at the end of the month as your 30 days. The clock actually re started when you both made contact last week. You seriously need to start from that day and go back out 30 days.

Again, from one codep to another you need to really work at the phrase 'fake it until you make it'. Meaning listen to your IC and listen to your friends and do what they tell you even if it does not FEEL good to you. Breaking old habits should hurt and they should not feel good at first. Your pain and sadness is a part of learning to detach from people who harm you and treat you horribly. You have learned somewhere in your past to accept this type of person. You need to learn to accept yourself first, believe in yourself. Believe that you don't need a man to make you happy. In fact I would go as far as telling you to not have any relationships with men for awhile until you can take some time to heal yourself.

NC means no mental contact as well, I'd say your 30 days should start over again today.

All of the IC appointments and reading in the world won't do any good if you're not working to implement them.

Very gently...based on what you're posting, I wouldn't take you seriously if I were him. Worried that he'll feel like a victim, get lonely/angry/resentful and run off and do it again? He just might. I don't doubt that he thinks this is all for show with no follow through, a punishment if you will. And why wouldn't he, he's reading every word you write here. It probably comes across as you punishing him for a set period of time (like grounding), with a stern talking to coming at the end, all in an attempt to make him be a good boy.

I know you need to post, and I think you should. BUT Anything other than, Boy this is hard, but _(here's my list of all of the POSITIVES of NC)_, is self-defeating.

I get that this is so hard, I really do. I've been CD for so long I didn't know any other way even existed any more. It takes WORK, very very HARD WORK to change. In my reading I've come across a type of CBT called REBT that strongly suggest you look into.

Good luck L10, all of the hard work will be worth it!

Tried to send you a PM with a link but it says you've reached your capacity. Let me know if you're interested, I truly believe it could be useful.

Again, from one codep to another you need to really work at the phrase 'fake it until you make it'.

That's what I do during the daytime hours. I fake being happy and confident and everything. My inner thoughts and feelings are so much different than that though. When I say my inner thoughts, I'm told that I'm weak and pathetic. Maybe I am. I feel like I've been made progress, even though it's small. I don't want to see myself as weak and pathetic, but maybe I am. It felt like a slap in the face to read that last night. But maybe it's true. After all, I still love someone who cheated on me with two other girls and lied for months. Maybe that does make me weak and pathetic.

Very gently...based on what you're posting, I wouldn't take you seriously if I were him. Worried that he'll feel like a victim, get lonely/angry/resentful and run off and do it again? He just might. I don't doubt that he thinks this is all for show with no follow through, a punishment if you will. And why wouldn't he, he's reading every word you write here. It probably comes across as you punishing him for a set period of time (like grounding), with a stern talking to coming at the end, all in an attempt to make him be a good boy.

That was not the purpose of me doing this at all. I wasn't punishing him. I was trying to enact the things that I was reading in my boundaries book. My book says that you can't control other people, but you can control whether or not you will be in the situation with that other person. I interpreted that to mean that I can't control him lying to me repeatedly, but I can control me being with someone who lies to me repeatedly. I asked him repeatedly to tell me the truth, and he looked me in the eyes and continued to lie. When I found out all the new stuff on my birthday, I told him I was done. I told him that I couldn't be with someone who lied repeatedly. Then I thought about it more, and decided to try to give him one last chance to wake up out of the fog by doing 30 days NC instead. I wasn't trying to punish him. I was trying to protect myself and do the things that I was reading in my book. I guess I screwed up by saying NC instead, but I wasn't ready to just end it completely. I'm still not ready to do that. I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again. I've read so many stories on here about how the WS wakes up out of the fog after the BS initiates NC or whatever. So I was actually trying to take what I was reading on SI and use it for my situation.

I've cleared out my PMs.

I get the importance of being able to post about being sad. It's a good way to process your feelings.

BTW, if you just say you're sad or glad or mad or scared, I want to support you, no questions. If you say you're sad because you miss you're cheating, emotionally abusive Bf, I'm not so sure how to support you ATM.

I think WoundedOpus makes a lot of sense.

I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again.

How are *you* different, LG?

I thought I was different by demanding respect for the first time and actually walking away. I know I haven't done NC perfectly since I've posted on here still, but I haven't called, texted, or seen him even though he has pushed a lot of my triggers with the things he said to me. My gut reaction is always to soothe my partner by taking care of my partner and telling my partner how great they are. Put their feelings before my own. When he sent me a message saying he felt unloved, my gut reaction was to tell him all the good things about him. But I bit my tongue and kept my silence. That's how I see that I've changed. I know I still have a long way to go, but I think I've made some progress.

I know it's not what you're TRYING to do, but I think it's a safe bet though that HE sees it this way.

I understand completely hoping and trying to do things to 'wake them up', but it won't work. Not because separating yourself is wrong, but because you're doing it for the wrong reasons. Sure it works sometimes for others, but the difference here is HUGE. He's reading your posts! Others on SI who had your mind set may have gotten the result that they wanted, but I'd bet it was because their WS BELIEVED what they were saying because they didn't have a front row seat into what they were actually doing and feeling.

It appears that your NC request was made because in the face of his lies, you couldn't enforce the boundary you'd set, weren't quite sure what to do but needed something fairly drastic compared to what you've done before. Then it just becomes this arbitrary waiting period until things go back to normal (what ever normal is at this point). Sure, you'll see your IC, read some books, all good things, but because you didn't do it for the right reasons it will most likely fail.

Please believe I'm not trying to be mean, I've done my fair share of this, and it's mindfuckery to be sure.

I know many of us sound harsh, it's only because we're trying to offer you support in the form of some tough love.

I wouldn't keep coming back to post and PM you if I didn't TRULY UNDERSTAND what you're going through. It's like I'm talking to the younger version of myself...I feel compelled to shake you and talk some sense into you, BEFORE you find yourself married to this asshole (or some other asshole) with a mortgage, 5 kids and 10 more years of killing yourself! I'd post to you more often but the 5 kids and my own asshole take up a ton of my time.

One day, after you do all the hard work required to get out of this mess and get healthy, you'll realize that you ARE enough. Once that happens, you'll stop picking men that will hurt you, you'll find a good man that will see who you are, will value and appreciate that...hopefully you'll be smart enough to spend a long long time with yourself learning to value and appreciate yourself first.

Right now, you're not only picking men that will hurt you and not only staying with men that will hurt you, you're holding on to them for dear life, bending over backwards, jumping through hoops and killing yourself to make sure they stay with you as well. There is nothing healthy about this, you need an intervention!

((L10)) I'll send you that PM now

I told him that I couldn't be with someone who lied repeatedly.

This says one thing but, this

decided to try to give him one last chance

says quite another.

How many "one last chances" does he get before you really mean it?

I still have hope that maybe this did wake him up, and it'll be different when we start talking again.

Gently, you need to stop waiting for him to wake up and be this person you have imagined him to be. The one who really needs to wake up is you. You have lost other important relationships because you refuse to accept that you are wrong about this guy. He barely has time to pull the knife out of your bleeding heart before you make yourself believe that he deserves another chance.

There is no shame in admitting that you were fooled. The shame is in denying it.

How many "one last chances" does he get before you really mean it?

I don't know... It's something I've always struggled with. I never know when to give up. When I love someone, I always commit myself fully to it. I always keep thinking that people can change, that they can be better. I don't know how to know when that point is where you know that someone's not going to change, and I've never wanted to give up on someone.

I hate having the what ifs in my head. I've always stayed in relationships until the guy ends it because at least then I can tell myself that I did everything I could to make it work. That it wasn't my fault. That there wasn't something more I could have done to make it better.

One day, after you do all the hard work required to get out of this mess and get healthy, you'll realize that you ARE enough.

That's the change I hope you want for yourself, LG.

I don't know how to know when that point is where you know that someone's not going to change, and I've never wanted to give up on someone.

That's a GREAT place to start! Find your power. Explore *your* list of dealbreakers, because the relationships are two-sided. Give and take. And when all that's given is a shit sandwich, you will have the power to refuse the shit and walk away with your head held high (instead of waiting for him to dump you.)

I know what my deal breakers are in theory, but I think most people on here probably thought infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to them.

I guess my main deal breaker now is lying. I can handle if someone makes a mistake or does something inconsiderate, as long as there is honesty about it.

(((lonely)))

The person you choose to be with you for life should compliment you and where you are going in life.

You should make you happy. Your partner is just dessert

I know what my deal breakers are in theory, but I think most people on here probably thought infidelity was a deal breaker until it happened to them.

Not theory. Reality.

OW#1 was NOT a dealbreaker.

OW#2 was NOT a dealbreaker.

Would you be willing to sign a legal contract that 3 OW is a personal dealbreaker, and a consequence for bringing OW into your relationships is ending your relationship?

I guess my main deal breaker now is lying. I can handle if someone makes a mistake or does something inconsiderate, as long as there is honesty about it.

OK, let's take a look at LYING as a dealbreaker:

Two weeks ago he got a call about a job interview. I asked him if he had applied for the position, and he responded that he had several months ago but was just now hearing back. In his email today, I saw an email from September 18th where he submitted his résumé and a letter of recommendation for the position, and then he got the call for the interview a couple days later. Soooo... Why the lie to me about not applying? My theory was because the email said he was told about the position from his old boss, who knew about and encouraged the A with coworker. He no longer works there, and told me yesterday that he hasn't talked to they man in months. So I emailed him about what I found. He responded with this stuff about how he didn't consider that applying since he didn't do an application. Also said he hasn't talked to the boss, and that was a lie to the company since they know his old boss. Several emails later with me breaking the questions up, he says that he didn't tell me about the resume because he thought it would cause an argument. And gave me two reasons why he thought that. Finally. The truth. I should have stopped there, but I tried to then make him see why I ask so many questions in order to get the full truth. His response: You asked me a question. I answered it. To you it may look like I was lying. To me, I answered your question, and then you asked another. This is why I said "Semantics" earlier. To me........I don't consider it "applying" for a job.

If he said this today, how would you respond?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 1:59 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

Yes, I would walk away completely if he cheated again at this point. I know that 100%. I found out about the two women at the same time, so I guess I've always lumped them together. They were the fool me "once", shame on you. If it happened again, I would have to walk away.

If I found out that there was a third woman from the past, I'm not sure.

The lying example you brought up... I don't know. That was a lie he admitted to later, but alot of the time I struggle with knowing whether its a lie or I'm being too suspicious. If I knew he was lying, I'd walk away. If I suspected but didn't have proof, if probably feel crazy and stay. Probably not the best response, but it's honest.

Probably not the best response, but it's honest.

I'm not looking for the "perfect response." I'm interested in personal growth: recognizing self-defeating behavior and replacing it with healthier thoughts and choices.

ETA: LonelyGirl10, Have you had any AHA moments since your birthday?

[This message edited by ladies_first at 3:38 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.

I know this is a safe place to land for many. I truly understand that. But you need to do this via PMs. You have a stalker for a boyfriend. I don't understand how else to explain this other than putting my personal story to it (which I generally don't like sharing).

I had among other factors, a stalker mother (no drugs though incase you're wondering). Literally stalked me on websites, contacted my friends, followed me in her car etc etc. So what did I do, where I am I had to battle with police to get a restraining order out on her. When it expired, I couldn't get it renewed. You know what? She hasn't been around at ALL since then.

I was completely shocked by this and RESEARCHED why. Why did she stop? It wasn't because she would get arrested anymore, it wasn't because she had a hotshot lawyer on call.

The reason is (based on journal articles, lectures I attended etc) was because there was no fuel anymore. There was literally NO CONTACT Everytime you post on a website where he can see this you are actually re-enforcing this behavior of stalking because there is CONTACT. You are actually saying to him that 'hey, I may say no-contact, but I want you to know I'm missing you so much that I post on a website you are on telling you this. Instead of telling people via personal messages etc'

It may get better initially, but old habits repeat itself. No contact IS extraordinarily hard. And what you are going through is really hard, but what you need to recognise is you aren't doing a full effort at this no-contact.

Do you not have a friend you can stay with for a few nights?

It's great you have a plan, at some point and this is my personal recommendation is that you show this to him if you get back together. Actions have consequences and outlining what they are for me personally, has been a really useful tool.

I can't stress enough, and as other posters have stated. You need to reset the counter until you get it right. And if that means you can only communicate via PMs that may be what you need to do. Perhaps you could (and I have no idea if this is possible btw) PM the mods and explain the situation with your boyfriend and see if there is a way for your posts to be blocked from him seeing them?

I really do worry for you, which is maybe why I've been cranky with you. I do understand why your actions have shown complacency whilst you intend otherwise, I know you are scared, I know that you may not realise but you have been experiencing domestic violence and what that truly means. I'm not going to recommend acting as if this is one of your clients, because you aren't. What I'm really trying to get across to you is that if you say you are going to do something you need to follow through with it. Otherwise it has more detriment if you got back together than if you hadn't tried to put inplace in the first place.

I really recommend staying with a friend, family member etc

You say I sound defeatist. I spend every day putting on a strong face and being confident. I make harsh decisions all day in my job, and I pretend to be confident and have my act together around my friends. And when I come home, yeah, I fall apart a little bit. And I use SI to do that with. I saw it as my safe place to let my guard down and show my fears and my vulnerabilities.

I know this is a safe place to land for many. I truly understand that. But you need to do this via PMs. You have a stalker for a boyfriend. I don't understand how else to explain this other than putting my personal story to it (which I generally don't like sharing).

I had among other factors, a stalker mother (no drugs though incase you're wondering). Literally stalked me on websites, contacted my friends, followed me in her car etc etc. So what did I do, where I am I had to battle with police to get a restraining order out on her. When it expired, I couldn't get it renewed. You know what? She hasn't been around at ALL since then.

I was completely shocked by this and RESEARCHED why. Why did she stop? It wasn't because she would get arrested anymore, it wasn't because she had a hotshot lawyer on call.

The reason is (based on journal articles, lectures I attended etc) was because there was no fuel anymore. There was literally NO CONTACT Everytime you post on a website where he can see this you are actually re-enforcing this behavior of stalking because there is CONTACT. You are actually saying to him that 'hey, I may say no-contact, but I want you to know I'm missing you so much that I post on a website you are on telling you this. Instead of telling people via personal messages etc'

It may get better initially, but old habits repeat itself. No contact IS extraordinarily hard. And what you are going through is really hard, but what you need to recognise is you aren't doing a full effort at this no-contact.

Do you not have a friend you can stay with for a few nights?

It's great you have a plan, at some point and this is my personal recommendation is that you show this to him if you get back together. Actions have consequences and outlining what they are for me personally, has been a really useful tool.

I can't stress enough, and as other posters have stated. You need to reset the counter until you get it right. And if that means you can only communicate via PMs that may be what you need to do. Perhaps you could (and I have no idea if this is possible btw) PM the mods and explain the situation with your boyfriend and see if there is a way for your posts to be blocked from him seeing them?

I really do worry for you, which is maybe why I've been cranky with you. I do understand why your actions have shown complacency whilst you intend otherwise, I know you are scared, I know that you may not realise but you have been experiencing domestic violence and what that truly means. I'm not going to recommend acting as if this is one of your clients, because you aren't. What I'm really trying to get across to you is that if you say you are going to do something you need to follow through with it. Otherwise it has more detriment if you got back together than if you hadn't tried to put inplace in the first place.

I really recommend staying with a friend, family member etc