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Yes, I'm afraid of him bringing me back to court. I had to spend $$$ couple thousand dollars in attorney fees when he accused me of parental alienation because he missed two, TWO, nightly phone calls in one week last summer. One night me & the kids were having dinner out as a reward for something, the other we were shopping for something and didn't make it back in time for the phone call. There was no malice or planning on my part, we simply were trying to live our lives and dammit, we cannot be forced to stay home every night of the GD week for a phone call! But that's what he wants, so I had to spend $$$ to defend myself.

So since controlling me/us with phone calls isn't enough, now he's going to attempt to control us further with making up sick time.

In the future just tell him the kids are sick but still coming. When he balks and says he doesn't want the sick child, you say o.k. There is no make up time, no judge in the world is going to expect that. It doesn't sound like he has the $ to go to court either. He is always going to be a pain in the a@@, so you need to set some firm boundaries and don't get flustered by him.

I can't even imagine this.

Do you know what your choices are at this point?

I mean, if you already know that he is willing to take you to court for parental alienation, if you dont give any is this what will happen again?

This guy is off his rocker if he thinks its 'fair' or whatever to take your weekends away from you. This is so backwards.

What did the courts say the first time with these 2 missed phone calls?

No, he does not take care of the kids when they are sick. He does not want them when they are sick and makes sure to tell me & them this fact. He is strictly only a Disney Dad.

I have not read all of the other replies, but I assume I will be parroting other replies: if he doesn't want them when they're sick - TOUGH $HIT! There is NO make up time. Why the hell should you care for them and get them through their illness each time so you can hand off a healthy child to his majesty each time?! FTG! If the divorce isn't final I'd make sure to mention it to your lawyer so that "no make up time for sickness" is added. What a pompous prick he is. Ugh!

Have you talked to your lawyer? What does the state say about it?

I've been through this with my ex. He never wanted the kids when they were sick. Too freaking bad! Part of being a parent is handling sick kids. I would let him know the kids are sick and provide him with whatever meds they needed. If he refused visitation, too bad, he didn't get to make it up.

I suggest you do the same.

I haven't called my lawyer about this. I owe him too much money. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore, and I don't want to add more $$$ to the tens of thousands I already owe him. He isn't in town right now, anyway. Last year when this came up repeatedly I never got a satisfactory answer to this question.

This is a faintly gray area. First of all, due to the parenting evaluation we had, we aren't using anything even remotely like our state's standard visitation plan. A sick kid would normally mean make-up time the following weekend. If I had just one kid, this wouldn't be an issue. One kid, one set of make-up times to schedule. Not a problem.

Three kids will mean a perpetual calendar with perpetual make-up times scheduled & rescheduled. BTDT already last school year. It doesn't work. Someone always needs to be away making up sick time with Daddy.

I think my only option here is to force my sick kids to go.

You guys can't imagine this nightmare. He shows up for visitation up to 15 minutes early (because that's allowed by the state), then hangs out for up to 15 minutes after visitation should be started before driving off with the kids (because that's allowed by the state, to start 15 minutes late). Then at the end of visitation time he shows up early again, sometimes up to 40 minutes early, then hangs out sometimes up to 15 -30 minutes after visitation should have ended before finally leaving. And no, once he shows up there's no keeping the kids in the house, and no, once he returns there's no forcing the kids to immediately come inside while he's still sitting out front.

It makes me think of an animal urinating to mark it's territory. He's using his physical presence that's outside of our visitation timeframe to mark his territory.

What are the state guidelines regarding a parent skipping/cancelling visitation?

We aren't using the state guidelines. At all. In any way, shape or form. State guidelines say the following weekend.

ETA: State guidelines say the following weekend for make-up time. Except if the parent refuses to exercise their visitation time, then there's no make-up time. Again, this is a gray area I'll have to pay $$$ to clarify. STBX says that he did exercise his visitation, albeit with only two of the three kids. It is ME who kept the sick kid from him.

[This message edited by Nature_Girl at 2:37 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

NG - I do have some idea of what you are going through my SAWH was on drugs and acting out when we divorced. He is also an attorney. He was crazy and difficult. Under no circumstances was he allowed in my residence, he had to stand at the door. That was my legal right, once he tried to push his way in because he had the right to come in (in his mind) and I called the police. He never did it again and we ended up meeting for exchange at the police station. Do not let him push you around by entering your residence. The kids do not go out until he rings the doorbell. They come inside when they get home and he doesn't.

As for the sick child. You send him an email that the child is sick and you will send their medication. Do not speak to him on the phone and only communicate by text and email. I was within my rights to insist upon this and it made a huge difference. Everything is documented and a smart addict will realize that. He will still try to screw with you until he has someone new on the hook. I pray for you that happens soon.

He does not have his own place. He has male roommates who he won't identify (he used to live with a sex addict, and used to do his visitation with another sex addict dad & his child), and one of them acts very strange "in that way" towards my children.

Then you spend the $$$$.

If this is a sick ploy to get one daughter --ALONE -- without her siblings present, then you have to prevent solo visits no matter the court costs.

Wouldn't this fall under first right of refusal? You notify him they are sick, he refuses to take them during his normal visitation and thus the chain of custody reverts back to you based on first right of refusal. Personally I wouldn't being this strategy up until all documents are signed. I think you will be in a much better position once the divorce is final. Oh and FTG....

What you do is tell him, in an email of course, when he shows up to pick up the kids he needs to pick them up and leave your property. When he drops them off, he drops them off and leaves your property. You tell him if he doesn't then you will have the cops escort him off your property. He might can pick up and drop off early but that doesn't mean he can stay on your property.

I've been in your situation. I know how much it sucks to have to deal with someone who is NPD.

If you have to force the kids to go with him when they are sick then you do it. You make it him that's refusing visitation and then it doesn't have to be made up.

If he wants to pretend to be a parent then he gets to act like one. That includes taking care of sick kids.

We don't have first right of refusal in our decree wording. You have to understand, he is a sick, disordered pervert. I cannot & will not use him as a babysitter alternative. Therefore we can't have the first right of refusal thing, even though *I* am a safe babysitter alternative.

FTR, I have already spent $$$ to try and prevent solo visits, but to no avail. The family court system is broken, my friends. It's broken. You can NOT prevent stuff from happening to your kids. Our court system is based on "innocent until proven guilty", and the standards of evidence are radically different in family court than in the regular court system (whatever it's called). You cannot prevent your children from being abused. You can only TRY to take remedial action once your children are harmed, and even then it's shocking how many protective parents actually LOSE custody of their children entirely once an accusation of molestation or sexual abuse comes to light.

We seriously need to reform our family court system.

In the meantime, I'm sending my kids out sick and that's that. I won't have him controlling me or setting me up to be the bad guy or accusing me of parental alienation AGAIN.

God forgive me.

NG, this is another reason you want to send all the kids with him sick or not.

[This message edited by peridot at 6:30 PM, October 21st (Monday)]

(((NG)))

It sucks.

I think that you send your sick children and KNOW that parenting time is parenting time. His suck ass failure as a parent doesn't change the definition of parenting time.

and because this is perfect:

I AM for father's rights and all that hubbub, what i am not for is Asshole rights.

I am repeating it and taking it down to the quote thread.

This is when I say a prayer of gratitude that my POS personality disordered ass-- I mean ex-- doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself and his nonfunctional penis. Sucks for my kids but as the relatively unscathed daughter of a malignant narcissist/sociopath, I also know that it's better NOT to be on his radar.

Anyway, I'm in the "sick kid? sorry, no score keeping" camp.

If he were normal, I'd suggest that he's capable of caring for a sick child and should, in fact--if for no other reason than to give you a break.

But he's not-- and there's no break when you have a PD a-hole for an ex.

He can just get over it. Your kids' illnesses aren't about him.

NG, if he's like my XH ( in the beginning) didn't want the sick kid, and the sick kid didn't want to be there. I would inform him by email, he would refuse by email. He would have his parenting time at his next scheduled time. If he took all the kids or refused to take the sick kid, he refused to take the sick kid-there were never any make up days for sick kids in our situation his refusal does not create an I.O.U. Parenting time on your part. Kids refusing to go doesn't either. Although you are supposed to encourage them to go with the other parent.

Hugs,

K

***vent -- NG. Your state sucks and your lawyer sucks. End vent***

A sick kid would normally mean make-up time the following weekend

I'm sorry, but I just don't *get* this. Your state guidelines actually say that if a kid is sick, then the *other* parent can 'take a pass' and can have make-up time the next weekend??? That's just f'n stupid....so you can thank your lucky stars that your schedule doesn't mimic the state's.

STBX says that he did exercise his visitation, albeit with only two of the three kids. It is ME who kept the sick kid from him.

But from what you've said.....HE doesn't *want* sick kid. Which means that he is forfeiting his right to the sick child and he's SOL. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 bucks OR make-up parenting time. On the other hand.....YOU should not have to have the sole responsibility to take care of your kids when they are sick. Unless your child is so sick that they are in the hospital....if it's *his* time, then *he* gets to deal with the fever, illness, medication, puke, diarrhea, <whatever>. He is an adult and he is their dad. I haven't seen it written ANYWHERE that only a mom can deal with illness, puke, or diarrhea.

But really, NG. None of this matters until and unless he files a motion with the court. He can blather, insult and grand-stand 'til the cows come home through text/email/phone. But until/unless he drags you back to court over it....it is really a non-issue.

God forgive me

NG, I'm sure that in God's scorebook....you have forgiveness and grace. You are a class act and you have taken the high road at every turn.

I swear to God, if you PM me his info I will call child protective services and file a report. I hate this motherfucker!!!