SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Oh God, how do I stop these feelings and these memories??

You won’t. You have to go through them over and over again. It’s all part of the process of accepting this has actually happened. You are looking for signs you missed, things you said or didn’t say, things you did or didn’t do. And then you will realise that this was nothing to do with you, it was him and his choices. If those invitations are from people who know, then go. Talk a little and then move on to other subjects. There will be time enough for reflection and going around in mental circles when you get home. Stay away from alcohol, it will only make you even more sad and emotional.

Hugs

[This message edited by UKgirl at 11:22 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

I would e-mail WS what you wrote..

I would give him a deadline that you guys agree on..He needs to have thought out and began answering questions by deadline...He may need professional help to look deeply within himself to come up with HONEST answers to some of the more difficult questions..

In the meantime it would help to know if your WH is genuinely remorseful or just sorry that he was caught..

Give some thought, get some education/ advice on how you would deal with or live with a remorseless WS until he comes out of the fog or an S or D happens....

I sent you a PM :-)

Wow - like you, I had suspected things for years. I would of loved to had clear validation of a call like that to prove it was not all in my head at the time.

It is so hard because you WANT to beleive what the WS is saying, but your gut is screaming otherwise.

During the convo I had with her, she kept apologizing to me and saying had she known he was married, nothing would have happened. Seemed sincere...don't know for sure

I agree with others, I don't think it matters if she was sincere or not. You received validation of what was going on.

Unfortunately, this is typically only the tip of the iceberg. I could not believe the stuff that surfaced during my D process. Way more OW than I knew.

Back to your question of her being crazy, etc. She could be. Sounds like once your WH left her high and dry, she found you to lash out too. I would consider changing your number and filing the complaint.

There have been many cases of OW going from hurt to over-the-top. Better to protect now than be sorry later.

Be prepared for attacks on your DDs as well. That happened to a friend of mine - her two DD's were targeted.

My situation is a bit different in that my WH of 20+ years had encounters with 2 different sex workers, a stripper & a streetwalker who he/we have had no contact with since, don't think he could pick them out of a line-up:( He confessed sometime later because I became very ill/ fever, rash etc... and he wanted me to seek medical care, "AKA" guilt, we have 3 children together. However we find out we have been betrayed, it is heart and soul shattering. I confided in *one* friend and she thought it wasn't a big deal because his actions were sex for money, and he didn't have "sex" with them, just blow jobs:( I don't know anyone that wouldn't consider oral sex with strangers to be infidelity and stomping on wedding vows! Needless to say, we are not friends anymore. Someone earlier, sorry I don't remember who it was, suggested staying away from alcohol. I second that, although it seems like a good way to numb the pain, it just made me weepy and more depressed. We are in MC & attempting R but it is a lot of hard work! All the best Jamie

Having a really hard night. I Know it will pass can't turn off the thoughts of what happened

I sent the letter (that i I had posted here previously) to my WS. Part of his response back was blaming me for being inattentive to him after our children were born. and that the OW meant nothing to him except perhaps to validate him as a man. So typical What Bulls**t My anger is once again at the forefront of my emotions. Oh and here's another reason for his ONS He must have been drugged by her How stupid does he think I am?

Drugged? Really? So in one breath it's your fault (bullshit) and in another she drugged him? Which is it?

He's blameshifting, hard. He cheated because he was unhappy, but cheating is all on him. If he was unhappy he should have dealt with it in healthy ways. Instead he took the easy, cheap way out of his unhappiness. Unfortunately, that only brings more unhappiness and spreads it around X1000. He doesn't have proper coping skills and he wants everything to be someone else's fault.

You didn't cause his cheating, he did. You didn't make him have sex with someone else, or lie to them to get sex, or anything else. And she certainly didn't drug him.

Your H needs to own his shit, as they say. I'd tell him that, and then just shut him out until he can accept that he alone did this and that he alone needs to deal with it as something he did, not blame everyone under the sun except himself.

Drugged? Really? So in one breath it's your fault (bullshit) and in another she drugged him? Which is it?

He really is scraping the bottom of the feeble excuse barrel. Not so much a case of how stupid does he think YOU are, more how stupid does he think you know HE is.

Part of his response back was blaming me for being inattentive to him after our children were born. and that the OW meant nothing to him except perhaps to validate him as a man. So typical

Straight out of the WS handbook of excuses. There have been threads dedicated to this particular whine and during the A my fWH said this:

For certain periods of time I have been relegated down the pecking order (in terms of your love and attention) and felt that I was propping up the table. Last in line.

At the time, I had three teenage boys – 16,15,13 and a 7yr old. My Dad had been diagnosed with stomach cancer and I was trying to help my Mum who lived a 6hr drive away. WH was working away more and more (and seeing MOW). My older children had exams with extra tuition at home. I had two large dogs that needed seeing to as well. I saw to WH’s sideline business. I did all the paperwork, finances, household chores and diy, the garden, schools, Christmas, birthdays and even booked, paid for, collected the tickets for WH’s f*cking golf holidays!! And he was bleating he wasn’t getting enough attention! I tell you, it made me so mad when I read that. How dare he! He said he felt “undervalued and unappreciated” and his answer was to f*ck his gf! How about pulling your weight instead you f*cktard? I was astonished and gobsmacked and could have slapped his stupid head off his shoulders. And it’s one of the things that STILL makes me mad years later.

Honestly. What an idiot.

UKGirl - so true!!! And how about this one - how come, if they weren't getting the attention they felt they 'needed', they didn't attempt to give attention first to see what the response would be? How come they have all the time and energy in the world to tell OW how wonderful, beautiful, sexy and special she is, but us? Nope - it was all on us to make them feel special.

So instead we get ignored, emotionally abused and betrayed. Yeah, I sure hope that attention you needed was worth it!!!

Ugh!!!

I know, UKgirl and painfulpast the stories that they weave are so bizarre for their atrocities to the marriage. I, too raised two GREAT girls - no help from him. took them to soccer, dance, CCD, piano lessons, etc. etc. etc. maintained the house AND held a full time job . and I was supposed to have enough energy to be like I was before kids?? You are so right - why couldn't HE pull his weight Unbelieveable how this seems to be the case in so many marriages. f*cktard is such a great word for him. I am so freaking mad right now !!

Count me in as another BW that supposedly didn't give her WH enough attention and thus caused him to have an affair...

I started having gut feelings that something was off with him during a life threatening crisis with one of our sons, and during my own cancer scare..

He offered very little support and empathy to me during these events but he certainly *bleated* (I like that word) that I wasn't focusing on him more and giving him enough attention..

I agree that this excuse comes straight out of the cheater's handbook..Some WS's eventually realize this and own their own shit in time to save the marriage..

My WH does not own his own shit and has lost my love and respect..There is no turning back.. I forgot to mention that I think WH's off the wall needs are too unreasonable to meet and the type of attention that he wants is demoralizing and disgusting...

True remorse without excuses is very obvious and I for one would have known it had I seen it..

doggiediva I keep rereading your post for strength as my WH continues to text, email, and yes, call me to try to reconcile. NO WAY. There is not turning back and I have to go forward with the divorce. It would be easier to give him another chance but I want full disclosure and he won't give it to me. He still cannot stop the lying. I have no love or respect for my WH either.

((LMomof2))

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. WH and I were together only for 7 years, I can't imagine if I'd discovered the As after so much time.

As EvenKeel said:

Unfortunately, this is typically only the tip of the iceberg. I could not believe the stuff that surfaced during my D process. Way more OW than I knew.

Same here. Very gently, take a deep breath for this one: it sounds to me like your WH has a lot more he needs to confess. I would put money on the fact that there is much more dirt under this rug - more women, more affairs, way more. In my experience, WH thinks it's not a big deal because, guess what? He's done stuff that's a much bigger deal and what you found out about is small fries in comparison. Only someone who is "used" to this kind of behavior thinks it's not a big deal.

When I was getting answers out of WH (GOD that was painful), I was so hurt by and so focused on the girls I knew about, I didn't realize how huge the scope of the betrayal was. It didn't even occur to me how bad it had gotten, there were things I didn't even think to ask, they were so out of character for my WH (I thought). Then I started pulling on the thread of the lies and what came out was so absolutely devastating and so blindsiding, I couldn't believe it. WH continued to be a lying ass until the whole truth was out. I had to fight, fight, fight, fight to get it, and the lies I was told were outrageous. Again, gently - expect the same.

I wish that when I had found out, I had had the presence of mind to stop everything and search his entire email, all past emails, his statements, all of this things, methodically and over the course of several days, before I confronted him. I was too upset, and didn't, and he deleted a lot of things. Now I can never be sure. If you have the presence of mind, do it.

Big, big hugs. I'm so, so sorry. Being blindsided this way is absolutely the worst.

You are strong. You have raised children. You have nurtured a family. You are smart and beautiful, and you know how to swing a battle axe if you need to.

I feel like my strength is breaking down. This is the "too many times to count" time I'm dealing with his infidelity. We told kids tonight and now I'm regretting telling him to go. The pain on the kids face is too much to see. I feel like I have made a mistake. Part of me wants to say "who cares" about his infidelity. I have no idea what to do. This is so hard.

I'm feeling the same way..off and on. I so wish that everything would be back to normal. Wish that I had not filed for divorce so fast and told people so fast. But I have to bring myself to the reality of what he has done. WS is weaving a story about possibly being drugged (roofied). He keeps saying the meeting with her was supposed to be about graphic design for his company and that she tricked him. I am finding myself wondering if this could have happened. My friend said it did happen to her. I found an article online about this and how it does exist. Women preying on men in bars for sex and money. I am so confused. His ONS has been leaving threatening phone calls to my WS and me. She is VERY psychotic. I have notified the police who called her and told her they would press charges if she contacts my home again. My situation is becoming a fatal attraction.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that this is a bold-faced lie:

WS is weaving a story about possibly being drugged (roofied).

As a man who HAS actually mistakenly picked up a drink that was intended for somebody else and found myself roofied, I can tell you that there is NO POSSIBLE WAY your husband could have performed if he was drugged. When this happens, you pass out after about an hour and you don't wake up until the next morning. You cannot remember what happened the night before. My friend who was luckily watching over me that night said that before I passed out, I could barely talk and that I had to be CARRIED out of the bar. This is typically something that men do to women to force intimacy - not the other way around. If a woman does do it to a man, she's not getting anything but his wallet. Your husband is lying.

Lmom, I'm so sorry for your pain.

Gently, if he was drugged then why was he trying to blame you for not meeting his needs?

None of this is your fault. He is gas lighting you and in your weakened state you are understandably grasping at straws.

He needs a to-do list and the first is full disclosure with complete honesty. Have him take a polygraph if necessary. He is in damage control mode right now and is squirming. I'm so sorry this is happening.

Hugs.

WS actually had the nerve to come home the other night because he wanted to talk and work things out. He had been her 2 nights. Yes I could kick him out again, but divorce papers are to be served this week. Then he will be out of my house and out of my life for good.

I am so sorry that you need to be here. *hugs* You've gotten some good advice, take care you YOU and your kids!