Lloyd,
I found this site about a year and a half after D-day or day of discovery or disclosure day….something like that. I am 5 days away from the 4-year mark and it’s not as bad as it was, but not near what I was hoping it would be.
To try to answer your questions. I can’t answer for all, but we come here for many reasons. Some come to find hope, strength, fellowship, an understanding “ear,” help with what to do next. Some continue to come because they truly want to help others going through this hell. I come in search of way to get myself back, but I also know I won’t find it here; it’s a vicious cycle. Our stories are the same in that we have all been betrayed in the most bare-naked way; stripped of everything we thought we knew. The details of how it happened may be different; for us all, someone we thought that had our back unconditionally has ripped us all to the core.
To answer your second question is more difficult. I don’t consider myself a victim, just a person who was duped in the worst possible way. Shit happens and shit happened to me. People can make amends for their horrible choices; that can be part of life. What I continue to struggle with, even after 4 years is that I can’t seem to find a way to look at my husband the way I did pre-affair or even find a new light to look at him through. I know people will say they can move on and have an even better marriage than they did before. I keep looking for that. Mind you, my H has done everything humanly possible to set this right, but to me, there is just no right. A betrayal like this is just something that I can’t seem to get past or through. Please know I do not nag him or bring it up at all. We are past that, but….as I write this, I am trying to decide if what we have now is worth continuing. That would include spending my life with a wonderful, caring man who would give me the world. On the flip side, will that ever be enough?? It is something I can do?? Can I live with a man who I respect in so many ways, but not the one way it really matters; does he have my back?? When push comes to shove, do I know to my core that he will not falter?? I can’t say yes to that and I don’t know if all the other is enough without that. I actually know it’s not, but for some reason, I keep searching for the light-bulb moment that it changes. See how messy this can be?? I honestly think I am just biding my time until I break, can’t take the betrayal anymore and I just walk away.
I don’t know if this helps, but it should show you how messy and confusing this can all be. I know without a doubt that if I knew then that I would still feel like this 4 years out, I would have told him no when he asked to stay on d-day.
Always go with your gut, the mind will only tell you what you want to hear.
