SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS here.

I am sorry but I think the only reason why you are "dying inside" is not b/c you hurt her but b/c she has once and for all moved on without you.

[This message edited by Exit Wounds at 2:16 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

My actions seem so slight. I clean the house daily. Get the lunches for my daughters ready, keep the yard work up. Do the laundry. All recent improvements I have made. But it doesn't seem to be enough. I feel like there's more to do.

These are lovely things to do, no doubt, very helpful and I'm sure they go a long way to make your home more pleasant for your family.

However, what I'm talking about it going to IC, reading books, trying to figure out why you did what you did, figure out how to be open and authentic with your wife. Work on making yourself a whole and healthy person.

And what Exit Wounds said - it may be that you are hurting because she has moved on. Maybe, like my husband, you always thought she'd be there trying, and don't know what to do now that she's given up. What you do is, rather than floundering, get yourself healthy. It's really the only good option. You need to be healthy either with or without her. But - BUT - if she does decide to let you back in, are you prepared to handle the pain that will be directed at you? If you are not, it's best NOT to try to win her back, because that would be false and cruel.

I wish you the best, both of you.

Jrazz - It's interesting. Her own strength and trying to have a life and feel better was an eye opener. The panic, was a realization that I've been a slouch. That I didn't help her get there. I'm an idiot. I've taken too much for granted. And yes, on some level, as others have said, her "leaving" is certainly stirring up some freak out. That being said, about two months ago was when I really was looking at my actions and how much damage I've really done to her. And it does hurt. I wrote novels to her via text about everything from when we first started dating. We had some great discussions after the girls were asleep. We were enjoying eachother. Lots of snuggles, watching tv. Simple stuff, really. But it was feeling amazing. And then I really paid attention to all the bullshit I was hiding. We've talked about FOO lying issues. What's important here, is that I couldn't hold onto that any longer. I felt that she deserved every last gory detail. And I felt that, at some point, it would set us free. And maybe that's where I invested a little too much faith. And I truly thought about what the truth would bring. And I wanted to break the cycle of fear in telling the truth. So, out it came. And not entirely, because she wants it in a timeline. But I answered very pointed questions at her request. The timeline needs to be done. What she already asked about has given the reaction I've referenced so much already. And I've only scratched the surfaced of all the things she's been saying or texting. Constantly. And I don't think it's really important to give a line-by-line manuscript. I think that's wasted energy of the wrong kind.

Telling the truth in the timeline is my first priority. My apologies are frequent and sincere. Repent? Im doing that. Constantly. Im all ears on books. And I do want to be a good husband, father, and man. I've been a little selfish boy for too long. I've acted like it, I've reasoned like it. There's a long list of shitty behaviors that I clearly developed early in life. And those need to be fixed.

I appreciate your wishes of luck. And I know you've been there for her.

HurtButHopeful? - I will admit that not wavering is not a strong suit in my past. When she says things, I feel like I should just respect it and give up. That's where my thinking gets all screwed up.

Non-sequitur: Her most recent text was this: "you already chose her. You can't take it back. You made your choice. I'm not a choice for you now. I'm not your backup plan. You made your choice."

And I don't have any idea how to approach this. At. All.

And I really need to go for a walk. She's telling me that, because of what choices I made to have an A, I've essentially made her have non-consensual sex ever since. She used "rape" earlier. Texting is killing me.

Bs here...I'm a member of the fake it for the family club but...I have hoped and prayed I would see some sign, some ray of light in my ws. Just do what needs to be done, words after awhile, sorrys after awhile just make you want to puke..looking for action. Don't do.it because she may be watching, do it because its the right thing to do. I believe there's always hope and time is a great healer. I really hope you guys make it. Something is still holding you together, maybe just a shred, but that's a start.

I appreciate your response.

And I really need to go for a walk. She's telling me that, because of what choices I made to have an A, I've essentially made her have non-consensual sex ever since. She used "rape" earlier. Texting is killing me.

Are you here for sympathy or help? Nobody's going to bite this. If you apply a stop sign from here on out you're going to get probably harsher advice from the FWS's here, but the BS's know they are guests in this forum and must tread lightly.

It's not you v. her here. It's a really good thing that you're coming here for support, but nobody's going to feel sorry for you. Infidelity is crazymaking. BS say angry, hurtful things too but that's because we've been mindfucked. I'm lucky that my FWH came clean and "got it" within a few months. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have him try to blame me for his unhappiness this far out from DDay.

Let's work on you.

And I don't think it's really important to give a line-by-line manuscript. I think that's wasted energy of the wrong kind.

What does SHE want? What is SHE asking for. You're scared she's going to leave. Well, stop trying to have things on your terms and humble yourself to her perspective. It's the only way up. You gotta let go of "sides" and ego.

Are you up for reading? I know you did some reading in the beginning, but if you're open I have some excellent books that helped both Crazz and I look inside ourselves for how to be healthy and live with integrity.

Card - You're right. Guilt is not remorse. I don't always know what to do when she withdraws. That's the rub. I withheld details of the A. Places, number of times, using protection. She threw out some very poignant texts this morning saying that I have coerced or raped her during this time because of the lies.

Coming clean may have relieved your conscience, but the fact that it happened several years after the fact, has destroyed her love for you.

I destroyed my own wife's love for me due to all my lies and deception.

I found some help in the book, 'Surviving An Affair', by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

It he has several 'Plans' that he lays out for BS's to use to help end WS's affairs.

One Plan from the book is called, Plan A.

When we decided to counsel with one of the authors, Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmer, she had me work the same Plan A BS's use. Yet I was the WS.... It worked beautifully.

Pick up the book and give it a go.... If you want some help, PM me and I'll give you some ideas of what I had to do for the long haul to help restore my marriage.

With Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers, I also created a set of 'Boundaries' that went beyond the ordinary for marriages. We called them 'Extraordinary Precautions'. I can also help you with those if you wish.

This path is not easy, but it is navigable with a great deal of work on your part. Again you can PM me.

You can find the book link here on the forum, in 'The Healing Library'.

[This message edited by Card at 4:17 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

I wanted to add;

Your anxiety and panic attacks are not unusual. I went through them too.

They stem from an awakening that allows you to actually realize you may loose your wife.

I consider this a good awakening!

The anxiety and panic will lessen as you proceed forward with plans of action.... :)

[This message edited by Card at 4:25 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday)]

I wrote earlier and deleted...trying again..

The kind of pain that just keeps on coming, weighs heavy on your heart. Lie after lie, insult after insult. It undermines your self esteem, takes away your hope and tarnishes your faith.

It hurts more than Bigger's biggest candle and the wounds are never allowed to heal. Each time, once the salve is applied and a calming takes place, the new skin is suddenly ripped back off and salt is hurled, deliberately.

The torture of this through many years of TT creates a numbness that enters your soul. You try to remove it, smile past it, get busy, fake it, but it's insidious. You recognise it as a form of self preservation, so it doesn't scare you, it just further saddens you.

There comes a time when you believe that you cannot survive this anymore. Not one more cut. Not one more lie. Not one more... Too exhausted to take it or to fight.

This time when the new skin was ripped off there was no numb left...just a raw gaping wound. Red and bleeding like the opening to hell. The sound you hear is the sound of a new soul passing through hell's gate.

That's how I feel after new lies 3 years out. I believe it's possible to heal but I am so lost I can no longer just heal myself. There are no magic words, and to be honest, the grass does look greener over there; fresh and unsullied and sadly, no more lonely than right here.

Do I want him to hurt? Yes, perhaps, and really words are all I have. Vile words. Cutting words. Your wife is using the only weapon she has.

How sad that it should ever come to this.

Jrazz - the manuscript thing was related to recounting the things she's texting, not in any way dismissing what she needs in the timeline. Sorry for the confusion! On that subject, I'm never quite confident in responding to a lot of her texts. How do I acknowledge what she feels and avoid counterproductive responses? I apologize frequently. And I don't ever want to misconstrue how ashamed I am. The repetition makes things sound insincere. And I don't want not responding to seem flippant.

As for reading, yes! I'll gladly take your suggestion.

I really do want help. Not sympathy.

I don't want things on my terms. At all. I have been down that stupid dark road before.

Ostrich80 - I appreciate the idea that there may be a shred. But I'm very cautious of optimism. And the fake it for the family has to be hard.

Card - I will PM you. I will look into the book you mentioned. As for the awakening, I think it is good too. Way late, for sure.

Truly - You words are very clear. And I think you've probably captured it perfectly. Thank you.

Jrazz is right. I'm afraid your time has past. You do WHAT SHE WANTS, WHAT SHE NEEDS. Give her what she asks for whether you agree with it or not. And do it with dignity - do it with grace.

She is all that matters right now. You are going to have to wait.

Give her what she asks for whether you agree with it or not. And do it with dignity - do it with grace.

And do it immediately.

You could be working on the timeline while your BS it out, but you're not.

More inaction- and trust me, your BS is watching every last move you make (and don't make).

You're saying some of the "right" things in these posts, but what are you actually DOING?

The torture of this through many years of TT creates a numbness that enters your soul. You try to remove it, smile past it, get busy, fake it, but it's insidious. You recognise it as a form of self preservation, so it doesn't scare you, it just further saddens you.

There comes a time when you believe that you cannot survive this anymore. Not one more cut. Not one more lie. Not one more... Too exhausted to take it or to fight.

This time when the new skin was ripped off there was no numb left...just a raw gaping wound. Red and bleeding like the opening to hell. The sound you hear is the sound of a new soul passing through hell's gate.

Truly's post is so spot on. I ended up divorcing my XWH because he never "got it". It was false R after false R. Lies on top of lies on top of manipulation. The lies aren't to protect your BS. The lies are to protect you.

Get off the pity pot and put your BS first for a change.

She's telling me that, because of what choices I made to have an A, I've essentially made her have non-consensual sex ever since.

This is true.

Would I have had sex with WH if I would have known he was having sex with someone else?

Never.

Please try to understand what your wife is trying to tell you with her words instead of how her words hurt your feelings.

The words are going to be harsh bc there is nothing pretty about this.

From a bs ... Please see all of her irrational comments as immense pain. Please know that when she says she wants u to sleep someone where else and doesn't want contact.. She wants you to ignore that and come hug her and love her and say how sorry u are. Please know she wants to hear nothing compared to her. Just grab her and make it happen even when she seems unlovable or angry. Take her face in your hands and look her in the face and tell her you will never desert her again and that she is your everything. Tell her she's beautiful. That the affair wasn't her . That you will never forgive yourself and will try everyday. Make her know how serious u are. It has to be drastic. Tell her you are so sorry u broke your vows. And do it alot. She needs it.

Would I have had sex with WH if I would have known he was having sex with someone else?

Never.

Please try to understand what your wife is trying to tell you with her words instead of how her words hurt your feelings.

The words are going to be harsh bc there is nothing pretty about this.

This.

My WS could not cope with hearing me call it abusive. I used that word tentatively in MC, but he could not hear/see past it. He projected (and still does)his anger at himself, on to me. Giving himself permission to be outraged at my words, but not willing to see the pain behind them...or that I was still there, still talking to him despite it all.

Your BW is in deep, deep pain. But somehow she is still communicating with you about her emotions. There MIGHT be a glimmer of hope, but not if you keep seeing her as an opponent (by posting her comments on here - possibly hoping we'll agree how shocking they are? - sorry, if I'm wrong on that).

I'm not quite sure what you're hoping to hear from us? Are you seeking permission to give up, or for something else? You don't need permission or approval for whatever choice you want to make. You need to be able to live with yourself and your choices.

And I really need to go for a walk. She's telling me that, because of what choices I made to have an A, I've essentially made her have non-consensual sex ever since.

I agree with her.

She used "rape" earlier.

She's definitely been violated in her most private places by having things in there she didn't consent to (your non-monogamous genitals and potentially STDs). I can understand why she would use this term. Maybe it's harsh to you, maybe it seems like kind of over-the-top. But I promise you that realizing you've been having sex with every person that your spouse had sex with, and every person that all of those people had sex with.....it can be too much.

We, the BS, will not bash you in this forum. The mods here don't take crap from anybody. Violating the rules is a sure-fire way to lose your membership. So, I agree with whoever suggested you put a stop sign on it and keep it open to WS only. We're (the BS) not allowed to give you the whole, hard truth. If you want the truth, you'll need to get input from the WS only.

Every single day that you wake up is a new opportunity to make better choices than you made yesterday, and a new opportunity to move further away from those bad choices. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 1:27 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Thank you all.

I need so much help, it's sad. And I'm going to do as suggested, and start over with a stop sign. I really appreciate the BS posts i've received.

Leaving you with one thought.

When you finish your pity party and truly step up, perhaps you can do something to help her with what you selfishly did.

Until you come to terms with this, I'm not sure you can help her come to term with it as well.