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X and I haven't talked for a while per his request and so last night was the first time cause I think he is being childish.

We have to talk, we have kids togeather.So everything started with kids stuff we dealt with it pretty good. But then he started bringing things up about me not being a good mother kids need me more blah blah blah and I snapped! I went to were I didn't want to. Not that I want to be back with him , but I said it was all his fault for not being able to be faithful. uuuugh I hate myself for even bring it up. No reason to discuss this anymore. When I hung up the phone I cried I sobbed something I hadn't done it in such a long time and now I am mad at myslef for allowing myself to get back to that point. I didn't want to ever go back to blaming to the fighting for the A.

Where is the fast forward button. When will I get to the point to never bring this up again.

((hugs)) two steps forward and three steps back is just the way it goes sometimes. You are moving forward even when you do this. Time really does heal, but not as quickly as we want it to.

Sometimes, when you try and take the bandages off too early, it hurts.

It will always hurt, but put it back on and try again later.

I think it's okay and if you can let the thought go, just move on. Maybe think about a good part of the same day if you can?

And next time, maybe do some mental prep for when he'll be around and think things like, what good will it do, and so on?

It's okay to be angry about the affair. The 5 stages of healing are a bit of a cycle, you think you have moved onto the next phase, only to see a former one rear it's ugly head again. You just recognize it, and keep going. You acknowledged the crummy feelings, which is awesome, that's what keeps them at bay.

((((((APRIL2008))))))

Try not be be so hard on yourself. It's just part of the process and that anger will spur you on some more in a positive way.

I did something very similar today when I contacted ex about a drop off time for our DD next week. Well the stupid fucker forgot, again, and then ended up calling me names because I pulled him up on it.

I replied to him with some home truths which of course he didn't like, and never will as he is a victim and has done no wrong.

The good thing was that I wasn't even bothered afterwards. A short time ago I would have beaten myself up about it but I think I'm feeling indifferent, most of the time now, which feels like a really good place to be.

I no longer intend to allow that emotional retard get me down anymore.

He has already stolen enough of my happiness.

Look at it from his perspective. In order for him to feel less crapy about the A, he tries to make himself feel better by hitting your parenting skills. He is in a lose, lose position. You won that round.

You will get to the point where you dont have any interest in fighting.

[This message edited by newnormal at 6:52 AM, October 25th (Friday)]

and the day after he sends this:

Hey I was thinking about what we talked last night and I am really sorry for everything I did to you, but until yesterday I figured out why I did it and and out was not because you cheated on me it was because you did not respected me as your husband by talking to someone else wile I sleep knowing I work my ass of for you, I think that was the reason why I did not care after that point, i wanted you to feel what it felt but even worst. Now I apologies I'm a grown men and look at thing different. I wish I could of gave you a better life. =(

I sent back nothing, no need. I have heard his apologies many times its just blah blah blah. It doesnt even make sense.