SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I registered on this sight about a month ago, but never posted until now. I didn't just find out, but found out 4 yrs. ago.

I read every article in the "Healing Library" and thought that it might be enough to help my situation by using some of the information to try and talk to him. It just hasn't helped. In my eyes, he has shown no remorse and seems to think that saying sorry and sweeping it under the rug and not talking about it is the best thing. I disagree.

This is my story and I need some guidance PLEASE!?! Sorry if it's long.

My WS left me for the OP (which is my ex sis in law) that I've known for almost 30 years on 7/24/09, after I had just lost my mom to pancreatic cancer, in which she passed 18 days after she was diagnosed. I thought that losing my mom had really turned my world upside down, but losing my husband devasted me even more.

He spent almost the entire 4 yrs. with her, other than the times (several) that I tried to reconcile with him after numerous begging events from him. I was so hurt and betrayed that I just couldn't emotionally deal with it and always wanted answers as to why? in which he just found it easier to go back to her than to deal with my sobbing, pathetic self.

There's just so much to this story than to try and write it in one post, so I won't do that.

Fast forward to now... I took him back again 5 months ago and don't feel any more secure than I did before. I still don't have my answers and I have still not seen any remorse. He says sorry, but it just doesn't seem sincere.

I filed for divorce over 1 1/2 yrs ago and our final hearing is Dec. 9th. I love this man more than life and don't know what to do.

What prompted me to write this is that, I was just sitting on my patio picking which palm tree I was going to hang myself from.

I feel like the hurt is never going to go away and I don't know what to do and I don't know where to turn.

Please help.

[This message edited by nomadlady at 5:12 PM, January 6th (Monday)]

I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I know the world feels like a dark and ugly place right now.

It's all new and raw for me--fewer than two months since I found out--but I know that somehow, someday it's going to get better. And I believe the same for you.

Oh hon. I am so very sorry. :( You can get through this. You are strong enough to survive this pain. I feel it, too... like I just don't want to wake up some days. But I'm not going to give 'her' more of my life than she's already taken. The world keeps turning, and you will come around to the other side. You will. I'm just heartbroken for you.

Sorry for your pain. Just take a deep breath and try to go to sleep just for tonight. Others will be here soon to offer some advise.

You will survive this. You'll be better and stronger.

(((((DeadHeart)))))

Please call the suicide hotline in your area.

They are trained to speak with you. Better for you.

I can feel the pain that you are in. But it stops when you say it does. Understand. You are in charge of your response to this shitfest. You can wig out or not .

I am not trying to be mean or uncaring. I have BTDT. but when you can turn it around to YOUR perception of things...now the ball is in your court.

Stand strong! We will help you. You know right from wrong...do what is best for you. What is the best case scenario for you. You do have a choice.

He has already crossed the line. There is no going back.

If there was no fear...what would you do that is best for you.....

Tell us.

You need to finish this on December 9. I know you love him more than life, but he is having his cake and eating it, too. It sounds like your ex-SIL is more than happy with this arrangement, but you know that you're not.

Once it is final, you need to go NC with him. He cannot continue to go back and forth the way he has. Let him go to her once and for all and move onto better things (and people) in your life!

You need to feel safety, honesty and trust in a relationship, and after this many years if you don't have that then he needs to go. It isn't for lack of trying on your part!! He doesn't want to do the work to make YOU feel better...he just runs back to the OP.

He doesn't sound like he is worth your time or tears, let alone your LIFE. Please find a close friend or relative that you can stay with or can stay with you for a bit. Once you make the decision to let him go, I promise things will get better. Right now you're in limbo and have been for a very long time. Don't allow this any longer.

(((DeadHeart)))

I remember looking at a tree and thinking of ways to hang myself.

I do understand that part. However I cannot comprehend how you have been able to handle this for the amount of years you have been.

I feel like it's time for you to move on. Please stay with friends or relative and do not hesitate to contact a hotline.

Also, are you in counselling?

Hi, Deadheat, how awful to be in this stressful limbo situation for 4+ years!

I am also in the camp that feels you need to move on! Dealing with infidelity while trying to reconcile is not a picnic, but dealing with an unremorseful spouse who left for his AP and stayed with her for four years? Repeated, consistent trauma that you did not deserve!

You are worth so much more than this man is willing to give you!

We have all been in that dark place where we just wanted to give up, I remember the days when I could barely get myself out of bed and then crawling back into bed after the necessities of life were taken care of.

It takes YEARS to recover from infidelity with a REMORSEFUL spouse! Years. So what you are feeling is absolutely normal, but I personally think in your situation it will take much, much more to get to that place of trust.

Have you been in counseling to figure out why you would allow yourself this continued emotional abuse by this man? I think that's where you need to turn, to a GREAT counsellor who will help you through this process.

Please continue to read and post, no matter what your decision is, the members here will help you every step of the way.

Hugs....

Raven96 makes sense. You have to end this on Dec. 9. My WS left clues for many years. He Tried to convince me that I was imagining things...that I was crazy. Over the course of the past 10 years, I have met with various lawyers for advice. This past January, I went to my 4th lawyer and had her send a letter to his office declaring my intent to divorce. My WS became so frightened (in hindsight just manipulative behavior) still insisting that there were not and never have been OW. Things seemed to improve but he just went further underground to hide his behaviors and lied like you would not believe as I have just found out. My Dday was last week. He admitted and I went straight to my lawyer and filed for divorce...and I am sticking to it. Your WS is manipulating you as mine did to me. NO MORE...Trust has been broken - his fault. Stop enabling him. It is hard, but you will feel empowered. YOU are the most important thing right now...take care of yourself.

You don't need him to be complete. You are an awesome person in your own right...just believe in yourself. (((HUGS)))

Your WH gave you a wound. It was a pretty serious wound and one that takes a long time to heal.

Trouble is, you (and he) keep picking the scab off and re-opening the wound. It's not healing because you won't allow it to heal by completely going NC with him, and he isn't allowing it to heal by being man enough to go NC with you. You may be picking at it, but he is ripping at your wound.

It's never going to heal while he is ripping it open and you are picking it. It's going to do what it's done for the last four years weap blood and make you weaker and weaker.

Think of NC as being the antiobiotic for the germ infesting your wound. You need to heal that wound through NC, a D, and serious IC for yourself. That's the only way that you're going to be well again. Otherwise, at some point, there will be no more blood for you to lose. (((hugs))) You're worthy of love and your worthy of a good life. But you are THE only person who can give that to yourself.

oh Deadheart,

This man is toxic. It's been 4 years, and he's been pulling and pushing you that entire time. How heartbreaking. He seems to enjoy having you hanging on.

Why did it end with OP? Why is he back with you now?

Also, have you been in IC? I ask because 4 years is a long time to still be so in love with someone. I know – love has no time limits. I hope you understand what I’m saying. I’m NOT judging you – I’m just concerned that perhaps something else is going on here. That’s why I wondered about IC.

Don’t hurt yourself, or even think about it. That isn’t the answer, and I believe you know that.

I think the reality is that if he left for 4 years, I don’t think there is any remorse. He did what he did, and now he’s back if you want him, but he won’t act as if the break up just happened. I could be wrong here – that’s just how I read it.

If that is true, I think the ball may be in your court. If you can live with that, and will be happy just to be back with him, then go for it. If not, perhaps getting back together isn’t the answer. I think IC would be tremendously helpful right now.

I really hope things start to look brighter for you. You sound so heartbroken, and that is a pain that no one should feel. We are always here if you need to vent.

I agree to call a suicide hotline. They can help you.

But as a huge compliment, this:

he just found it easier to go back to her than to deal with my sobbing, pathetic self.

is proof positive that you are so much better and worth so much more than OW. She's willing to continue taking back a known cheater? She's happy being in a relationship of 3? Well that woman doesn't have many morals or much dignity. Not a lot of self-esteem there either or she wouldn't continually be with a married, comitted man.

Close the door on this guy. How he responds to losing you will tell you what you need to know. You deserve better than this guy.

((((DeadHeart)))) I am so sorry for your pain, my heart goes out to you.

PLEASE stop looking at those trees and do not harm yourself!!! The pain can be overwhelming at times, but YOU are going to survive this, I promise!!! We've all been in your shoes in some form and we are all surviving!!!

I am so glad you found SI, it is a lifeline for you. Please keep posting and reading here, we will all help you. ((((hugs))))

It's like Crushed said in the previous post. You can get through this pain. We are all here to try to do that in our own lives, and the way we do that is by being here to listen, to help, to show each other that it it can be done.

Stick with us! Tell us more about what's going on.