SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It seems like there are a lot of people like me, the ow was my friend. I spent a lot of time with her, confided in her, she babysat my daughter, I listened to her complian about her husband and even listened to her tell me the things about my husband that she would change if she was me....ugh

Anyways I had been talking to her just days before dday....we weren't close anymore at this point as I had began to suspect she wanted my husband though I didn't think he was responding to her flirting.

After dday I deleted and blocked on my phone and Facebook and just kind of pretended she didn't exist. Friends were surprised that I didn't text her and call her horrible names or whatever...some of them did text her and call her horrible names but for me I just couldn't put my pain and anger for her into words. I still can't. She wasn't the person I thought and honestly I think if I said anything she would just laugh and destroy me with some comment about her being with my husband and I would crumble right in front of her.

So I said nothing, no email, no text....nothing. I still think about what it's going to be like to see her again...I haven't seen her since before dday. Is she going to look at me? Talk to me? Part of me wishes that I had told her off in some awesome dramatic way so that she was afraid to come near me. Part of me is glad I took the high road and am clearly the better person.

So if you were friends with AP did you contact them I'm any way after dday? Were you close right until dday or had you drifted apart? Have you seen them since dday?

The OM wasn't a "friend" but I did know him from picking up fWW when her car was in the shop or we had to go shopping after work.

He knew me and how I felt about fWW.

The AP in my sitch was a close friend. I called her on dday. Told her I knew. After that there were a few calls. She wrote a pathetic "you are my family" self serving letter.

Now, eight years later, she is still someone I see often. Her children and my children share schools, mutual freinds and are on sports teams together.

I treat her like a parent of a kid my kid knows but that I am not close to. It took time but this was the best approach for me.

In the end many will say she was never your friend. I can't say one way or the other. What I do know is her needs did and likely always will be more imprtant to her than yours. No need for that in your life and to that end I think your approach is spot on.

sunandmoon

I posted a thread that on Dr. Phil today they he will be talking to a couple in which the husband had an affair with his wife's friend. It might be interesting for you to watch, Angel177.

The OW in our case was an employee where FWH was a manager. I didn't know it. I understand the feeling of wanting to unload all my hateful feelings on it, though, like you.

((((Angel))))

She called me and I cussed her out. Like you and your H, I had seen her flirt with MrH. At the time I thought it was all an EA. I still called her slut and who knows what else...I went through a verbal vomit. And again when her "B"H called me (they were trying to get us to swing- I was the only one that didn't know). I went NC with both after those calls. I think. That time is such a blur. Some details are crystal clear to me- like him saying she agreed to a threesome if it would make me feel better so they could get the "lust" out of their systems. I remember exactly where we were when he told me that. He talked about the Chasing Amy solution and that xOw1 said, "Yeah, I'd do Holly."

I didn't know I was "allowed" to demand NC so MrH just gradually lost contact with her.

When 2d-day hit, I looked her up and called her to get some truths. This was 7 1/2 years later. I purposefully asked her questions I knew the answer to and some I didn't. She lied- about pursuing him (I had witnessed it, but trusted him ) and about using condoms...yup, nearly 8yrs later I learn it was a PA, not just an EA.

I'm much more selective about my friends...so much so that I have a really hard time making any now. I have people I socialize with, but my heart longs for a friend, KWIM?

I agree this makes it hard not only to make new friends but to trust the other friends I have. So much betrayal...

We had been friends. I'd known her since 5th grade. She had moved away for years and I encouraged her to come home. We took her out. We introduced her to our friends. We brought her to church. She and I took our kids to the movies. We had lunch. We griped about relationships. She babysat my infant so H and I could have date night. I found some texts between them I thought were inappropriate. He and I talked about it. I called them both out on being wrong. She was ugly and defensive. I didn't demand no contact. I didn't want to be THAT girl. They started sleeping together a month later. I knew they talked some, but distantly I thought. She babysat for us WHILE they were sleeping together. The day after dday, she texted me to say congrats on the new baby and upcoming wedding. I told her the last person on the earth I wanted to hear from was her. She called me a bitch. Said she was being a good friend. Told me that I obviously couldn't take care of him at home or he wouldn't have come running to her. And blah blah blah. I'm not sorry I called her out. I am still pissed off that she isn't a decent enough human to even admit she did anything wrong. She still tells people what a horrible person I am whenever she gets a chance. I've managed not to run in to her (it's not as hard as you would think to disappear in an area with 40,000 people). I want to see her just to get it over with, but I still don't trust how I would react.

And, I agree. This has made it insanely hard to open myself up to new friendships at all.

I went to my friends house on dday.

She opened the door and I asked her if she had anything to tell me.

She admitted to kissing him ...once and lied about the rest.

I left.

I did see her in passing after dday.She never had the nerve to contact me or show any remorse.

She is the past, and I am over her. I did learn my lesson though, I will never allow my friends to have an independent relationship with my husband again.

It's a recipe for disaster, IMO.

Sounds alot like my situation. For the 4 years we were friends, I did not know that she and her husband were "Friends with Benefits" with my fWH. The last time FWH was with OW was while her BH was in jail for knocking her down. The day before I spent with her at the courthouse getting a restrainig order against her BH.

Other than a few texts to us, it has been NC for 7 months. We have been at the same resturant with them, but in different rooms, we see her at her mother's house as we drive by.(not stalking, it is on the only way for us to get to our daughters school).

I know that one day I will have to bump into her in public. I have no idea how I will respond.

That sounds a lot like my situatin musiclovingmom. I had busted them with inappropriate texts in February but it was started by her so I believed he would stop letting it get like that again and in May they had sex so I guess it didn't stop. I also didn't want to be THAT girl...who didn't let him have female friends, who demanded to see his phone and read his texts...I wish I had been that girl.

OW was Wh's "work wife" I was fine with it because she's so unattractive it never dawned on me. Also, he included me in their friendship, her and her fiance babysat our kids on a few occassions, we had them over for dinner, I shared recipes with her, I sent her a bridal shower gift, we attended their wedding, I gave her a baby shower gift, etc. etc. etc. 3 months after she returned from maternity leave she started an affair with my husband. I confronted her first on a Facebook PM literally one minute prior to confronting him. Four months went by with not a peep out of her by way of apology. I felt I really deserved one. Then I found out they were at a group b-day lunch together for work and WH hadn't mentioned it and I WENT BALISTIC. I think that was the closest I'd ever come to an actual breakdown. It was then that I said EFF THIS and send her the letter I had written her as therapy to get my thoughts out. When I wrote it I had no intention of ever sending it, and I cc'd WH.

some of them did text her and call her horrible names

Those are some excellent friends!

I thought OW was my friend too - turns out she faked it to get to FWH(they knew each other in HS - FWH and I ran into her at our local watering hole and she laid it on me good - the fake friendship)...

She lives in our neighborhood; luckily I don't see her often but when I do - I ignore her. She even tried broaching a conversation with me in a parking lot about a year ago...I walked away - she's dead to me. TBH, I think she was trying to get me to cause a scene in a public place.

You will have all kinds of emotions when you see her again...you may even feel panicky and sick...just keep your head held high and keep walking....don't look at her...silence speaks volumes.

Hugs...

Also, I wrote several letters to her, but never sent them. I needed to get it out...but sending them would be futile. It was all about HER...with everything in her life...so she would have given a rat's ass and she probably would have loved it that she knew how badly she hurt me.

My WH and OW became friends at work. He and I then became couples friends with OW and her H, going out, visiting in each other's homes, going to plays and concerts together, etc. So although she was primarily his friend, I thought of her as my friend, too. We even exchanged homemade jams (strawberry for blueberry). Things like that.

After D-Day, when my WH made his NC call to her, she asked if I wanted to talk to her. I said NO. I just wanted that piece of trash out of my life.

Sometimes I wish I had spoken to her, if for no other reason than to corroborate some things my WH told me. But really, why put myself through that? I was going through enough.

Besides, when WH had finished his NC call and reported the conversation, the song from the Wizard of Oz--"Heigh-ho, the witch is dead"--kept running through my mind. I had no desire to resurrect the witch.

.I wish I had been that girl.

Me too. She was only OW#2 and they hadn't crossed that PA line yet. I often think 'if only' and wonder if #3,4&5 would have never existed. Even my H says he wishes I would have taken a harder stance then. I've tried to give up that kind of thinking. 'What if' doesn't change what is and what is is what I have to deal with.

So you belong to the double betrayal club. It sucks bad enough when your spouse cheats but when it is with someone you know it is devistating.

In my case the OW was, my friend, my sisters best friend, my husband's first girlfriend and a co-worker. On d-day she showed up on my doorstep telling me that it was just high school flirting and apologized for the flirting and kiss.

Were we close? The more deep into the affair it got the more she was up my ass. Calling all the time. Little did I know then she was just trying to find out what he was doing.

So a few hours after I found out she calls and says her husband says we can all stay friends if it is okay with me. I told her I'd get back to her on that.

It has been four years since the affair. She works 150 yards from my home. I have run into her about six times. Each time it gets little easier. The first time I ran into her I was with my husband. I said hello and he did not. My hello just popped out. The second time I ran into her she was with her kids so I did act polite just for their sake. Since then every time I see her I pretend she isn't even there.

I am glad that I always took the high road. I NEVER asked her questions about the affair because I would never give her that power.

I have thought about asking her questions but she's as much of a liar as my wh so who do I believe the liar or the liar...

I feel panicky and sick anytime I go to the city where I'm somewhere she might be...I can't go to Home Depot at all because she works there. It sucks that I'm the one paying the price for their affair.

My Xh and the FBH(former they D'ed now) had been BFF's since 7th grade.

FBH and whore were HS sweethearts.

I met them all in the summer of 97. We all were friends. In Jan. of 99 things changed, Xh and I started dating, fell in love blah blah blah ....

Whore and FBH got M'ed in 2000, Xh was best man, and I caught the bouquet. Whore and I planned it this way ... Hmmmmmm

Xh and I were M'ed in 2001. They both stood in our wedding.

We were god parents to their boys. Xh & I have no kids.

We spent holidays together, went on vacays together. They were closer than family. All our families knew each other, we all spent time together as large groups - B-days weddings ect. So it involved extended families as well.

I think whore's parents helped cover a lot of it up and were there with the safety net for them when D-day happened.

Anyway ... A started in summer 2007 from what I have been told. D-day was 8-3-09 ... That day, and for a couple days after I blew her phone up with texts. Telling her lot's of things that I do not for minute regret ... and would do all over again only with more fire and hate.

No luckily for her I have not seen her since a couple days before d-day when I was clueless. Good thing to I would look awful in a jump suit.

They are still together ... living the dream ... FBH has moved on, mostly, I think. He has had an SO for a few yrs now, and they are engaged. I am here .......

The OW was "sort of" a friend. She was in my BS's running group and they had social things like BBQ's and birthday celebrations at restaurants. When she got a road bike, I took her and her friend out on a route I used to do a lot and another time she rode with me a a few other people. She came to my father-in-law's funeral. Just a couple of days after telling my husband she was attracted to him and he admitted he was attracted to her. I gave her a hug that day and thanked her for coming (as well as the friend who went on that bike ride, and who I later found out had hit on my husband months before, and later asked OW if she'd ever want a threesome with her and him. Puke!) Anyway, saw OW again the very next day at a touristy area about an hour from home when we happened to be in the same area and somehow my husband knew she was there with her sister (either from FB or texts). He randomly drove away from where we were going so he could "surprise us" by "happening upon her". Wow. That was SO weird. So the last time I ever saw her was in a parking lot for about 15 seconds before we had to get out of the way of other cars.

The morning after Dday 1 I saw she had emailed him asking "Are you ok?" I replied from my own email. "He's fine. You don't need to email him anymore."

About a week later I sent her an email telling her he is not available. I'm not leaving him, etc. I was amazingly civil and matter of fact and just trying to ensure she knows I'm not going anywhere and won't let her take my husband. She never replied to either email.

About 6 weeks later I couldn't shake thoughts of her and felt like I needed more closure. I sent her an email asking if she was even sorry for what she had done to me. I drew a clear picture of the pain I was in because I wanted her to know how deeply she hurt me. I was less civil but still not flying off the handle. I told her I wondered if she even thought of me as a real person. A person who's life she had tried to destroy, and if she thought about my kids and what this would do to them if they knew and/or he actually divorced me for her.

She never replied.

Three months later, Christmas night, I found out they had still been seeing each other.

I vacillated over whether or not I wanted to make her look me in the eye and explain herself. And give her a piece of my mind ... face to face. I finally decided I didn't want a new and fresh image of her to haunt me all the more.

I finally emailed her again. This one a little less civil still, but not outright nasty. I told her she needed to respond to that email if she didn't want me showing up at her doorstep or at a morning run with her running group.

She did respond. And she apologized and said some not so bad things. As if there's really any way to explain one's self. But where she went wrong was not agreeing to leave the cycling group I was in that met around the corner from my house and was pretty far from hers. My husband had left their running group, which her husband was in. The least she could do was leave me alone and let me have the cycling group. But she thought it should be "fine" for us to ride together.

Well, that ended my civility. No more nice little Christian girl. I told her she clearly has no idea how much I hate her and that there will never be a time when it will be "fine" for us to ride together. I told her if she showed up at a group ride I was at I would kick her ass, trash her bike and verbally humiliate her making sure everyone knew what an adulterous bitch she was.

I have to say ... I really LOVE that I got to tell her off that way and put some fear in her. I'm significantly taller than her and with the adrenaline rush I'd have as the betrayed wife, I could probably do some serious damage. And I really didn't care if I was hawled off in a police car.

Well, while she never actually showed up to a ride, she RSVP'd a few times, I think just to get on my nerves and make a point that while she's cowering for now, she's not officially leaving. And she also kept posting on the group's FB page.

When it finally came down to it, I couldn't take it anymore. Wondering if and when she was going to show up and just seeing her effing name on FB. I left the group. The bitch won. I know she has since ridden with them.

I have yet to see her in person but often wonder if and when I will and what that will be like. She could show up at any running event my husband is at, and some of the cycling events. I don't go to a lot of them (he does so many) but found out she was supposed to be at one recently so I planned to go, basically to "babysit". Turns out she had an injury and wasn't going, which I found out a couple days before. But my husband was already excited about me going (and was clueless as to why I was going for some stupid reason), so I still went. However it was an emotional day. I just kept imagining seeing her there which I'm sure I would have if she had gone, since it was a small event. I told him later that I just wouldn't be able to handle it, so we have to figure something out with these events.

But, in answer to your questions, I haven't seen her, I did email her several times and finally threatened her and cussed her out. And I'm glad I did. I believe a phrase I used once was "I will bloody your face".

[This message edited by Patchy at 9:19 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

WH told me at our child's sporting event that he had been talking to this woman (I thought before I got there). He said she was really nice, from another state, and why don't I get her phone # and start being friends with her.....

Fast forward 18 months later, subpoenaed phone bill shows they were already talking/texting several HUNDRED times a day for 3 months at that point (and I'm told by her friend that they had been having sex in those 3 months also).

I NEVER called her, nor gave her the satisfaction of seeing the anger in my face (what sociopaths get off on, btw). I got her back another way. I called her h repeatedly until he believed me. She had to move out of her 250,000 house into a rented trailer that leaks, and I am saving up $$$ because I know she is cheating on my XWH and I am going to bust her and the OM in my free time! LOL.

Plus, by leaving them alone, I have information that she is miserable with my XWH and has the same complaints about him I did!!! LOL

Also, the first time I saw her was at Walmart and she wouldn't even look me in the eye. If she ever comes with XWH to pick up the kids I am going to send a certified notice of no trespass on my property. Then I can legally shoot her if she trespasses!!! LOL

Also, my friends call me when they see her and they said she has aged!

One last thing I do, when OW and XWH make me angry, I post something on facebook about how happy I am and how great life is now, put a little joke on there or a picture of me with a random guy and post it with the status change that the Public can see it!!! LOL

Lastly, she works a week and 1/2 for my child support...

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 9:20 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]