SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

To answer a few questions: Only my parents know, no one else.

I have not told the OMs wife; have debated it many times but my wife is worried about some form of retribution, as the guy is a contractor and has the freedom to drive off site during the day and access our house, etc. I'd love the chance to curb-stomp his ugly face, as I'm half again his size and work out religiously in the gym, but he's a half mafia-wanna be and there's no telling what he might do to my house or God forbid, my family. I'm still debating it though.

HD,

Doing anything to the OM only gives him the power. Like you, I wanted to go hurt the OW but in the end, she is not my focus and I was not married to her. Take that energy and put it to better use. I will admit, I picture myself pounding the OW's face twice a week when I'm doing kickboxing.

Somtimes you have to unleash that anger and let them know how you really feel. At first I did this quite a bit and my husband stood by and took it. Over time I didn't feel the need to keep doing that. It is still early for you.

I'm thinking maybe you need to change all your locks. The OM having access to your house is kind of scary.

My wife and I have reconciled and are moving forward. We have done everything right, from joint marriage counseling, to individual counseling sessions,

Are you in IC currently? If not I strongly suggest it. I went through virtually the same emotions you are now experiencing, and IC was absolutely critical to my recovery.

From reading your posts I think you re working on recovery but you are not "reconciled". There are still huge unresolved issues. It takes time. The common adage is that it takes at least two years to recover. You are really working on repairing two things, yourself, and your relationship with your wife. If you don't do the hard work required to repair yourself from the trauma she inflicted, you won't be able to repair the relationship.

Absolutely right, wewillmakeit. I used the wrong term when I said we are "reconciled," what I meant to say was we are committed to reconciliation, but we are not there yet. I have not forgiven a thing yet, and I told my wife that I may never be able to forgive her. We are both in IC and JC.

My wife also has some issues from her past that she is working on that are underlying reasons for the affair. She had an alcoholic mother and no childhood, essentially, and has some co-dependent behaviors. Her self-esteem is tied almost entirely to external validation; she needs to feel wanted, and to have attention. When after 17 years of marriage and 20 years of being together led to a lessening of that validation from me, she looked elsewhere for it. What pisses me off is that she never once talked to me about it, just took the easy way out. It's amazing how much I'm finding out about her through counseling and through talking with her.

You are not to blame in any way shape or form. No matter how bad the communication was before the affair, she is a grown woman and should have gotten her sh*t together to tell you how poorly she was feeling.

My Dday was just 6 days ago and I'm wondering some of the same things you are...what could I have done differently? But this is a pointless question because the BS did NOTHING wrong. You need to know that in your heart of hearts.

I know others will disagree but you are owed a revenge affair or at least a ONS. Let yourself be with someone else. See if she stands by your side after that. Put it under her nose, she deserves it. It will just be sex for you but will make you feel better

She'll think you're even if you have an RA. And you won't be even close to even. It's not worth it. It's shit on top of a giant mountain of shit.

By the way are you sure OM is up to date on his IRS payments?

HD,

no new advice - just wanted to say there are a lot of men here than understand and can empathize. Dude, your WW lost her mind. I doubt you will ever make sense of it al because it makes no sense - that kind of behavior.

I also am down with you telling your wife how you feel. I also am down with you not sugar coating her actions. I really recommend that you do not approach things vindictively, with the sole aim to hurt your WW back. In fact, the more calm ou are in your communication, the more your WW's actions will hit home to her.

Also, I did end up getting revenge on the OM. I talked to his wife several times, and for hours (they live 1500 miles away). I armed her with every bit of wisdom from this site - starting with accepting NO blame. She was glad to find out, and is handing his ass to him. Plus, because the guy is a remorseless prick, he is losing his very sweet, and very hot, wife. Sucks for him. So, yeah, tell the dude's wife, and do NOT involve yours in that decision. And change your locks, codes, etc. first.

Tell the OM's spouse immediately ... think how you would feel if she knew and didn't tell you!! Your BW stirred up this shit storm, not you!! It is not up to you to keep things calm, to not make her life uncomfortable. Obvi the OM is a serial cheater, and his BW may even know and accept. Not up to you to make that determination. btw ... Keep your head on straight and take care of you! I told my WH that it is all his call, if I find out he has lied to me again I'm done. I have too much self-respect to keep trying to R with someone who keeps lying. *hugs* to you ...

Hmm, I'm seeing a lot of advice to out the affair to the OM's wife. I've thought about it constantly. My wife obviously does not want me to do it, but I'm still debating on it. I'd love the guy to experience even 5% of the pain I am, and above all else his wife (whom I've met on two occasions) is a good person and deserves to know.

Let me ask: Is there anyone who would not recommend this, and/or has had a bad experience with it? And why?

[This message edited by HeartbrokenDude at 7:22 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

HBD;

I better warn you that I can be a hardass...

Just to prove it then before I turn to you then I’m going to do something I’ve never ever done before in the …. EIGHT years I’ve been hanging out here… I’m going to tell the poster that suggested you have a revenge affair to seriously reconsider the advice he’s offering. This site is all about ending infidelity, not increasing it. Honestly (and I’ll be gentle because I truly believe everyone that posts is sincere in wanting to help) if having an affair is your best idea for dealing with infidelity… tsk tsk tsk.

OK – Back to you HBD.

Just MAYBE you have a truly remorseful wife that had an epiphany and realized that having affairs is wrong, the reasons for why she had the affairs, the skills to cope if a similar situation arises, the ability to detach from the affair, the ability to work with AP with no emotional baggage…

And MAYBE next time I look out the window pigs will fly.

Why of so little faith? Well… experience. As a rule it takes couples 6 months to 2 years to reach that stage. Some never reach it. It sounds as if your wife reached that point three minutes after d-day…

I tend to be extremely goal oriented. I don’t think you should expose just to get revenge. Revenge has NO PLACE in reconciliation. You expose to attain a goal. Usually that goal is to end the affair. That goal is to create pressure on the affair partners. If you feel that there is a need to pressure your wife then by all means tell OMW. If I fall back on experience then your wife wouldn’t be the first to “sacrifice” her lover and remain in the “drudgery” of the marriage to “save” him. (Note all the words I marked? That’s because they are supposed to reflect affair fantasy. That’s how a WW sees the world). So I would tell OMW so your wife has really only one reason to remain with you: she wants to.

I have one question for you:

If reconciliation is going so great and your wife is so compiling with the process then what made you search out this site? What makes you feel a need to post here?

It’s a valid question. I have a feeling that behind the front you put up there is more doubt and insecurity than you are willing to show.

Yep – warned you I could be tough.

But just like the poster that suggested you screw around – this is in the best of intent.

Tell the BW. She deserves to know. I'm pretty pissed MOW's BH didn't tell me. I had a right to know, and so does your OM's wife.

And just so you know, LOTS of waywards come up with excuses why the other BW or BH shouldn't be told, and "they are violent and might seek retaliation" is one I hear ALL the time. In fact, my STBX told me MOW's BH was violent, which was a bunch of bull. The guy even knew already, but my STBX didn't want me talking to him and comparing stories, etc.. Your wife is trying to keep her affair a secret and keep some of the fantasy going, and you need to expose it. It's amazing how many affairs shrivel up and die when they are exposed out in the open.

I don't think many people here will tell you that it's a good idea to keep it a secret and not tell the other spouse.. I've seen whole threads of people begging someone to tell the other betrayed spouse.. It's the right thing to do.

And PLEASE don't listen to Mack25's advice. There are so many reasons revenge affairs are a bad idea. It will make you feel like crap. It will give your wife a reason to justify what she did and not feel all that sorry about it anymore. You will be adding problems to what is already a whole mountain of problems. You are trying to show your wife how sex should mean something and should be special between the two of you, and then you are going to go out and have meaningless sex?? And none of this even scratches the surface of what you could be doing to whatever woman you would decide to do this with. You are assuming this could be some nameless faceless person without any feelings, and that just wouldn't be the case.. Unless of course you go with a hooker, and I wouldn't take my chances with catching a disease, and I hope you wouldn't either.

You already seemed to say that you weren't going to go through with the revenge affair, and I hope you are set on that decision and don't let anyone sway you to reconsider it. If you want sex with someone else, then divorce your wife and move on. If you still want your marriage, then fight for it. You guys already have one affair to try to overcome, and the last thing you need is another one.

I also agree that she needs to know that you could still leave her over this. She has to know how damaging this was and how wrong it was. If you constantly act like you will forgive her for this, she will have no incentive to change. She has to know that she needs to fix herself or you're gone..

Good luck to you..

The OW in my situation was married when she was 19. She cheated back then -- had a 1 year old. Her poor 20 year old H lost it. Her affair partner was his boss -- 38 years old. This guy killed his boss and himself. Fast forward 15 years.

Beautiful 15 year old daughter has a slut for a mother who is cheating on her stepfather with my H.

If only there was SI to help this guy out, his daughter would have him to guide her as she grew up.

It is YOUR honor and priviledge to watch your children grow up whether you stay with your ws or not. They will be alive for the next 70 years and what you teach them by just being alive will mold them into who they become. Stay strong on this!!!

Should you stay with your W or not? Stay in counseling and you will find out...I was married previously to an alcoholic. After he got sober I divorced him (everyone hated me), but I couldn't live the rest of my life knowing he could be drinking at any time and we would be back in that hell again. So,,,,keep watching your wife's actions, and keep up with your IC and in another 6 months you'll know what is best for you....

*** Posting as a member ***

Slight t/j:

I know others will disagree but you are owed a revenge affair or at least a ONS.

Oy. Entitlement to cheat. Isn't that what 99.9% of active WS's claim? There's some justification to breaking their vows and betraying their partner.

I know you already said that you are aware that people are going to disagree. I just wanted to share my $0.02, which is more of a mathematical substitution.

Whereas "affair" = "The moral degradation of oneself via the betrayal of one's spouse by engaging in inappropriate emotional, conversational, or physical activities with someone outside of their marriage", you're pretty much saying that the poster is owed an encounter of an inappropriate and immoral nature.

Someone steals your TV. So you get to go to their house and steal something of theirs? Or maybe keep your moral center and don't become a thief as well.

Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a right.