SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three things:

1. You state she says the affair was a mistake. You also state that she says the A was nearing its end due to HIS lack of interest. So I ask you, what was the mistake? The affair itself, the fact she was caught, or that she picked a guy who wasn't THAT into her? Can't say anything on this point that hasn't been said already, but make sure she's trying to R for the right reasons. She may be in shock right now, but not as ready to be monogamous as you think in the long term. Just be vigilant.

2. So she found out that grass wasn't greener on the other side in this case and now realizes what she almost gave up...but what if she meets another guy who she, at the time, truly does think is better or more suitable for her? Knowing you were better than the OM shouldn't comfort you. What should comfort you is the knowledge that she understands and agrees with the whole dynamic of respect between partners. If she lives by a true code of respect for you and herself, you will have a leg to stand on. However, if her realization is as base as "Oh you're better than him specifically" but she doesn't hold herself accountable in regards to her interactions with EVERYONE AT ALL TIMES, then you may be in trouble down the road. You want the woman who will never allow her self to get into these situations because it's not what she stands for, not because she just maybe hasn't found the right OM yet. I say this because when I read WS's or their BS's relaying their message that the OM/OW had nothing on the BS, I think "What comfort is that supposed to afford the BS?" There are millions of other men and women willing to prove they are that special affair partner. Her entering herself into counselling is a good step to proving that she doesn't want to be THAT woman. Has she stated that she wants to get to a place where even the thought of an A insults her and that respecting you and herself is more important than acting on bad rationalizations and fantasy induced emotions? Does she admit that the A WAS NOT necessary and that things could have been dealt with way better on her part?

3. About the finding herself part. Was that simply her mindset at the time or is she trying to justify the A a bit by implying something good has come out of it (ie. she knows what she wants now thanks partially to her A)? I would give her the boot personally if she has in any way tried to romanticize the A as some special learning experience that she NEEDED to get out of her system.

Lets just get one thing clear here. Affairs can never be about self discovery.

Bull fucking shit on that one. If one is on a mission of self discovery there is no need to lie and sneak around. There is no need to emotionally destroy the person you claim to love in the process. An affair is nothing more then a persons decision to knowingly engage in behaviors that they know could possibly destroy life as they know it. A decision that does just not involve themselves, but others as well. It is one of the most selfish acts one can perform. Self discovery my ass. Self satisfaction is more like it.

In the interest of brevity I did not represent her position well. She is not trying to justify anything. She is trying to figure "Why she is so F'd up" in her own words.. The day of discovery and since has been very dramatic and she says she didn't realize I loved her still, and so much. She says she thought I would be indifferent upon discovery and just walk. I honestly don't know how she came to this conclusion. Although we have grown apart by busy child activity and career related schedules, we have always stayed conected-So I thought. She is remorseful and disgusted with herself. She says she is embarrased also because she risked all for nothing-got nothing out of it ecept a cheap quick thrill. She blames herself and her poor self esteem. She is careful not to blame me. When I asked her why she went back for seconds, she sticks with the looking for validation, affection, attention bit. Which was lacking, but not critically to my knowledge. She never ever approached me to advise she was at crisis level. This was so unnecessary. I would have done anything and everything to ensure she got what she (we) needed-and would have enjoyed giving it, if I knew she was at this level. She never gave me the opportunity.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:52 PM, October 27th (Sunday)]

Now, she thinks she "is so fucked up"... Why didn't she think that as she was taking off her pants?

This post-act justification drives me nuts. "I was insane." "I didn't know the gun was loaded." It goes on and on. She's not being honest with herself or with you. Maybe in IC (if she has a decent one) can find out what's broken in her brain.

Btw, is her OM married? Does his wife know what a cheat her husband is? She deserves to know the truth about her marriage, if he's married.

There's an answer to 'why she risked all for nothing'... don't settle for less than an answer that is satisfactory to you.

I do worry that she was telling you what you want to hear re: the details. Also, I would say she is, at this point, not the best judge of whether she can be around the AP.

I do believe in reconciliation, and I do believe many waywards can turn things around with a lot of work and soul searching. Good luck, and strength to you both.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:25 AM, October 28th (Monday)]

Sorry OP, I'm kind of troubled by the language. So she had a sexual marathon but it was unfulfilling, then she went back for seconds? And she was doing this as a journey of self discovery. So what happens when she meets someone she's sexually in tune with? While I understand you might want this to go away as quickly as possible. I think you might need to disengage from the HB and dig deeper into why she did what she did.

Self discovery is about taking classes, finding a new hobby, learning how to cook...NOT RIDING ANOTHER MAN WHILE HER MAN IS BABYSITTING THEIR CHILDREN.

I hate cheaters because they lie lie lie knowing that normal people will accept the lies because they themselves would never do those things. Do NOT believe her right now. She has earned nothing but your distrust and lack of respect. SHE HAS NOT EARNED YOUR TRUST OR YOUR HOPE!!!

I hate the idiots that cheat on us!

Stop finding excuses for her A. She had the affair and sex because she wanted to, not because she lacked anything from you.

She should quit her job, another contact with him means continuing the A.

Get tested for STDs and stop being that nice guy.

Then one more thing, what might have happened if the OM was interested in her as much as she is interested in him?

She is indamage control and manipulation, dont fall easily for that. Trust but verify.Dont value anything she says, but only beleive anything you can verify. Trust her by her actions not by her words.

We know you wanted to R and go back to your old marriage as soon as possible but realise one thing your old marriage is dead, she killed it with her A. You can make a new relationship but it should be on your terms and conditions.

Playing devil's advocate here:

How do you know the other guy didn't just dump her?

What if she is just using you as a plan B, until she finds her next guy?

Regardless - she should quit her job. Any resistance to quit means she is still in the "fog" and not 100% committed to the marriage.

Reality, Your situation is remarkably similar to mine and my wife's affair. Similar in nearly every way you have described. I am not sure when you discovered the A, but don't be surprised if she isn't being totally truthful with you about the contact. Monitor cell phone records daily online to verify text and calls. She may have set up a secret email address too. I was caught completely by surprise as well. I would definitely have her leave her current job no matter what she says.

Yes, definitely disengage from the HB..

Your WW needs to learn that it is gonna take more than the superficiality of good sex to keep her M and her way of life with you...

She may be doing all of the right behaviors but it will take time before you know that she is being consistent and truthful enough to regain your trust..

IMHO she should know that a decision to R coming from you will take time irregardless of her good behavior..

In the very least, months to a year of feeling unsure whether or not her damage to you was irreparable should be a penance she pays for cheating...

If she is truly remorseful she will have no problem with continuing the consistent good behavior and waiting until you heal enough and trust her enough to re commit to the marriage on your terms..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:28 AM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

Gman & DoggieD, D-Day and confrontation 10/1. She is so supportive, remorseful, attentative and nurturing. She's writing many long sorrow and regret letters. Sometimes I absolutely forget the affair happened. It's a tightrope walk ensuring I don't do anything that might derail R yet still protect myself from future heartbreak. Thank You for your posts. Good points there.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 4:13 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Please don't be walking on eggshells being afraid you might derail R..

This is a shit storm that your WW caused..

If your WW is truly remorseful you shouldn't have to be walking a tight rope in your relationship with her..If she is remorseful she can comfort you thru your grief, anger, etc..She is probably stronger than you give her credit for..TBH, as long as you aren't mean and nasty and abusive let it all out(grief, anger, questions) whenever you need to...

If nothing else, RB, you have received opinions covering the pros and cons of her behavior. Not saying that it automatically makes you feel better, but it does give you some insight that you might not have had before.

I just wanted to throw in a couple of more comments/opinions:

She says she thought I would be indifferent upon discovery and just walk. I honestly don't know how she came to this conclusion.

It is very simple---it is wayward mindset. You have to understand that your WW had to somehow justify in her own head how she could have her affair. It is with regularity that the betrayed spouses here get the lines of "I didn't think that you would care", or "if you would have paid attention to me", or whatever other nonsense...ad nauseum...that somehow takes the blame off of them, and shifts it to us. I, too, got the "didn't think you would care" line, so I understand your dumbfoundedness.

The good news for you right now is that she is taking action without your prompting. She not only admits to her faults, but is acting upon trying to correct them. Those are very good indicators. I still don't like her unilaterally deciding that minimal contact with OP is acceptable, because if for no other reason, she has no idea of the pain that you are going through...and is unaware/unconcerned about those effects. Empathy is a HUGE part of remorse, and she shouldn't have to be told such---she should know it. Let's hope that IC can help her see this aspect.

As for consequences, there are going to be plenty...as long as you don't rugsweep this betrayal. If she gets to the bottom of her inner demons, she will understand how she not only betrayed you and her family, but herself. To have such a screwed up mindset that you degraded yourself beyond your own recognition has got to be a terrible pill to swallow. That will be her process to work through.

But she also has the difficult task of support you through your processing. You may feel sometimes like the affair didn't happen, but if you are like most betrayed spouses here, the flood of emotions are coming up on the horizon. Expect drastic mood swings, from deep love to extreme anger...and everything in between. This is often how we work through our grief. It is *normal* for many of us. And if she isn't willing to stay by your side...and take it...then you might want to start asking yourself if you are getting a fully reciprocating partner.

There is no tightrope to walk---like doggiediva states---while you don't get a free pass to behave or do whatever you want to do, you get to grieve constructively...without an effing hint of resistance from her. That is what a remorseful spouse does to help heal the one that they destroyed. Don't stuff your anger deep down inside of you---it will only come out with a vengeance later.

It is all part of your healing process.