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My WH had a ONS 3 months ago. We are now in MC and both in IC. We have made some progress and do feel I understand that he is in pain, sad, and truly remorseful. I am, nonetheless broken and devastated. I wanted to retaliate with an affair of my own, but, in the end, I could not do it. Truthfully, I am the one who has always had the wandering eye, but would never, ever have cheated. I just can't do it. I told myWH the other night all my thoughts and explained that I could not be deceitful. However, I also explained that I don't know that I am 100% committed. I do seriously love my husband and want to grow old with him, but also want a turn for a change. He said he understood that I needed to do what I needed to do, but that he did not want to know if it happened. I am okay with not telling him. I actually feel relieved now. It doesn't feel as deceitful even though he doesn't want to know. I just want to know what others think about this or if anyone else has had a similar experience.

Hi star, welcome to SI.

I absolutely understand your desire for a revenge affair as I came very very close to having one myself.

However, this is not the answer, and will only complicate matters and make things much much worse than they already are.

Do you really want to put yourself and your family thru more pain and risk-- physical, emotional, financial?

Please think carefully about this. How exactly do you think having a revenge affair is going to make you feel better if you aren't even planning on letting your H know if you have done it?

How would you feel if your children found out?

How would you feel if you picked up an STD?

How would you feel if the OP was married, and you were hurting an innocent BS in the same way you have been hurt?

Don't do it. It will leave you feeling empty and even more hurt.

Stay strong sweetie.

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 1:15 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

No, No, No. Don't do it. Two wrongs have never made a right. Do not lower yourself to someone elses standard. I understand the feeling - I think all BS feel that way at some point, but it will only make matters worse. You will hate yourself in the long run. Stay strong!!!

The problem is not a revenge affair; that is easy to dismiss. Imagine 10 or 20 years down the road you are away from home, say at some conference. Some guy comes onto you and you really like him; he turns you on and frankly you are stimulated and tempted....

Its going to be so very easy to justify that night or two of passion when you consider your WH's transgression; even though a few years have elapsed; you never forget and it still rankles believe you me. I think of my husbands infidelity frequently and that memory isn't going away anytime soon.

Its not necessarily a revenge affair, just the fact that certain boundaries have been relaxed and redrawn; your infidelity would be much easy to justify because of the previous adultery of your WH. Didn't he in essence create a quasi-open marriage all those years ago?

The above opinion isn't necessarily mine; just a thought process that I imagine can be used to justify a BS's own affair.

[This message edited by OK now at 7:43 AM, October 26th (Saturday)]

Don't do it Star.

You don't want to swim in the slime pool.

k9

Thanks for all your replies. I know that this is all so new and my emotions are not entirely in check which makes me way to vulnerable. I also know that my WH desperately wants our M to work and is really putting 150% effort into making that happen. First of all he is working hard on himself in IC and is committed to healing, sticking to his AD medication, and living a more positive life. Depression has been a big issue for him. He is also committed to MC and our sessions are pretty productive. Follow-through is evident in our day to day life. I love him a whole lot and I know he loves me lots too. He is opening up, communicating, laughing more, and really feeling good. I am grateful for this and not mad at him for working on himself and making positive changes and feeling so good, even though I am a wreck. Really, this is what I have wanted for quite some time. I just wish his awakening was not a ONS. He feels tremendous guilt that while this huge weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he has a new clarity on life and all that he has, he has shifted this 2 ton bag of crud on my shoulders. This is true, but we are both working hard to lift it. I want more than anything to R, but dang it is hard not to want to step outside, too. I will work in my IC on this issue because it is a big one for me right now.

Thanks for your guidance.

Me, BS 43

Him, WH 48 (ONS while I was away on vacation)

Married 16 years, together 21

Starstone

Revenge affairs never really work in the end you will feel worse than your H.

Take time and work with your IC before you make any serious decisions.

I had a friend whose wife had a girls weekend in Vegas. She had a ONS with a stranger. Got an STD. She also felt super guilty and started acting out.

He finally sat her down and asked what is wrong her. No response at all.

A few days later she showed up at his office and told him everything.

He was very upset and could not believe his wife could act like this. Even her GF's did not know she had a ONS.

Their marriage was on the brink of failure.

His wife offered him a free pass. She did not want yo know about it.

A few weekends go by and one Saturday morning my buddy is whistling Dixie making breakfast. His wife us wondering why the hell is he so happy.

Then it dawns on her. He used the free pass.

She asked him and with a big grin back he said "You bet ya!"

She was devastated thinking he would never use the free pass.

Then he tells her he did it with one of her GF's from Vegas.

He said now we are even. It hurts you so now you know how it feels.

He warned her the next time she chests she will never see him ever again.

I know him. He means it.

Do not lower yourself to his standards.

Revenge always has a way of biting you back.

HM