SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Kroma

BS here. Quit doing everything for her. Work on you. Show up nice happy for children exchanges.

Sounds to me in her head she has found someone else? Now you have to work on you. Sit down with her be strong and tell her she is the love of your life. You are chosing to talk to her so she doesnt think you are being hateful. But if she thinks you two should be divorced she needs to see what that will be like. Dont give her $ or take the car to mechanic. If she wants to date you she will have to come to you. Women are attracted to strong happy upbeat. So around her for now strong happy upbeat. Get out meet new people join a bike club, gym, be more active with kids school projects and sports.

I am sure hoping she can see the new you!

Kroma

BS here. Quit doing everything for her. Work on you. Show up nice happy for children exchanges.

Sounds to me in her head she has found someone else? Now you have to work on you. Sit down with her be strong and tell her she is the love of your life. You are chosing to talk to her so she doesnt think you are being hateful. But if she thinks you two should be divorced she needs to see what that will be like. Dont give her $ or take the car to mechanic. If she wants to date you she will have to come to you. Women are attracted to strong happy upbeat. So around her for now strong happy upbeat. Get out meet new people join a bike club, gym, be more active with kids school projects and sports.

I am sure hoping she can see the new you!

Hi Kroma,

I think you need to start coming to terms with the possiblity that this is a deal breaker for her. Perhaps she wants to maintain an amicable relationship but no longer wants to be married to you.

I think you need to really take this time and work on a future that maybe without her. I am of the prepare for the worst and hope for the best camp.

She may forgive me but will never accept it.

You know what? NOBODY should ever accept infidelity.

When your wife says that your answer should be right away “I fully acknowledge I did it but I will never accept infidelity. I will never accept why I made that horrible choice and did those terrible things. I fear that if we accept it then we minimize it and I never want to risk minimizing what I did. So I’m glad you think one day you can forgive me and I hope I can forgive myself. But neither of us should ever accept it”.

I know what you and everyone else is thinking. Time for me to move on. Accept my fate and consequences.

If the above is aimed at me then you aren’t reading my posts…

My advice is totally 100% based on increasing your chances at reconciliation.

Look – a wise man once defined insanity as trying the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.

You have tried being Mr. Nice, always available, total 100% remorse, put my life on hold husband. I think that has gotten you the result that your wife hasn’t filed…yet. That’s in a sense a result. It’s damage control… But it isn’t the end-goal. So trying this again and again… its insanity.

Take an interest in yourself. Treat yourself. Follow the advice on becoming more active, on regaining your confidence and sense of self-worth. Your W is not interested in what you are right now but you CAN make her interested in what she might miss.

Look – Right now there are IMHO really only two reasons for why your wife hasn’t filed and carried on with the divorce.

1) She feels sorry for you. She wants this to be as amicable and kinds as possible so she feels compassion for your pain and misery. If that’s the case then keep in mind compassion can turn to contempt.

2) She isn’t really ready to cut off the relationship. She still sees some positives in having your in her life. If that’s the case then the advice offered is aimed at INCREASING your worth in that equation.

I'm 7 months out from DD and remember the first 3 months being very confusing. We did not really start reconciling until well into the 4th month and it's been up and down. I know at 8 weeks I was pretty confused myself about how I felt about my H, what he'd done, etc.

All I can say is give it some time…no one should count anyone out. Today, almost 8 months out from DD, we are s l o w l y just now getting to a better place. At least I think. Right now actions speak louder than words. You can't say the things that you think she wants to hear - you have to DO them and believe them in your heart. Be sincere, honorable, transparent, etc. You have to make the effort and be consistent.

Sorry you are struggling.

I have to agree;

Stop it. Really. If she wants to be separated, then be separated. Don't do her chores. Don't help her out. If she doesn't want you as a husband, stop it. Why shouldn't she be all sweetness and light. You are giving her everything that a husband would without any benefit to yourself.

*I get that you like helping but it's not helping you. It is just prolonging your pain. Go NC except for kids and finances. Tell her if she changes her mind that you would love to try again and then let her go.

It's a hard thing to hear and do, I know I struggle with it, but it really is the best thing.

What does your IC say about this?

Korma,

I hope we haven‘t put you off.

Like I have emphasized; my advice is based at getting you into reconciliation.

What we suggest might sound hard but frankly there is no easy way out; it’s going to be hard all the way through.

Remember – if you don’t agree with a poster or think the advice is off or wrong then you have two good options and one terrible one.

The best option is to debate the advice.

The second best option is simply to ask the poster to step out of your thread.

The terrible option… It’s you leaving your thread.

My apologies to all for not responding the last few days. Needless to say I haven't been in a good place and sometimes I just can't respond bc of how I feel.

First to answer the question about my IC we haven't focused on me helping around the house. Beleive me we talk about a lot of stuff and usually run out of time. I want to answer why I do things for her. Our first 10 years married she took care of the inside of the house. I took care of the outside. It worked. The past 5 or 6 years things changed. I stopped doing a lot of things around the house mainly bc of my job. A lot of OT and I would get home late. Kate took the brunt of the work. Not only was she doing the work in the house but she was running both kids all over the place. She handled all finances and always bought things for me to make me happy whether we could afford it or not. All while having a full time job running a 258 bed nursing home. The last 3 years or so she did it all. I completely took her and our marriage for granted and never knew it till after the A. After the A we talked and she told me how she felt. I never knew it. This past year I tried making up for lost time. Anything and everything I could do to help her I did. I got involved with the bills. I did chores inside and out. I started running the kids everywhere. Anything I could do. So when she asked me to leave I continued doing these things. Bc I owe her. Also bc in all honesty I'm not that busy and she is. So if I'm there to pick up the kids or I'm off and she's not home I do things to help. I know this isn't a way to win her back. I do this bc I love her and I wasn't there for so many years. It's the least I can do. And also I enjoy helping. Makes me feel better about myself. And in this day and age where I'm feeling pretty crappy I'll take it.

Had a face to face with Kate last night. She made it clear she wants to be left alone. What I did to her broke her heart to the core and no matter who I was before and who I am now it will never change the fact that I cheated on her. For that she's done. She said she doesn't feel the same about me anymore. She loves me as a person and will always remember the good times but that's it. She asked me to let her go and stop texting/emailing. She wants to move on with her life. Broke my heart. I told her that I will continue to move forward with being the best dad that I can. I told her that I will move forward with my life as well. But I did say that I will be a single dad. I'm still in love with Kate so I have no desire to start the dating scene. I said that maybe in a few months if she sees that I'm still doing my thing and haven't seen anyone she will see that my love for her is real and that the A was truly a mistake and that I am committed to our marriage. All she could say was right now her feelings are her feelings.

I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her. She said thank you for respecting her wishes and letting her go. Needless to say I cried all the way back to my apt. I thought this past 16 months have been hard. This time will be the hardest. NC with the only woman I've ever loved for 20 years is going to kill me.

Sending you strength my brother. My heart truly hurts for you. But it's important for you to remember this...

your present situation is not your final destination.

No matter how dark it may seem right now, there will be brighter days ahead.

Good luck Kroma and keep moving forward, not back