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query, I agree with StrongerOne. And I have always wanted the truth, regardless of the intentions or the informant.

.leave the BS out of it..

I couldn't disagree more. His wife is already "in" it, she just doesn't know it.

Query, re: telling your parents. Even though it may be difficult, they are your folks, they will love you regardless.

Hey guys,

I wanted to say this isn't a trigger but a fundamental difference in opinion. I don't want anyone friends coworkers family etc to tell me or inform me of anything having to do with MY marriage. I consider this my business only and I wouldn't believe my friends or anyone except my H. I didn't tell my BF about her x A. I knew she wouldn't accept it until she was ready to hear it. When she asked me that was different. I did talk to her H at the time and gave him a piece of my mind. Because I didn't want to be dragged into his affair.

So I disagree vehemently that anyone even a BS should tell another BS about their WS.... Unless that OP isn't leaving my WH alone their M isn't my business. Of course m WH OW was single like you and she did not leave him alone. So hence my ousting her.

So that's why since you have left him alone and aren't perusing him I am not sure why you care about him or his wife. I think and feel its none of your business.

Just my final thoughts.

In my six months here this...

So I disagree vehemently that anyone even a BS should tell another BS about their WS

...seems to be very much the minority opinion. It seems almost cruel not to inform the OBS. query has potentially much to lose from telling, and nothing to lose from silence. Telling your xAP's BW is hard, I did it, and I hope you do it. Better a painful truth than a comforting lie.

WRT telling your parents, I'm glad you decided to do that. I told my mom because she was pestering me about why BH and I (and the precious grandchildren) weren't going to visit them over the summer. Her reaction was...underwhelming. I thought I'd get read the riot act, I mean, Mom is a conservative Christian and I've been married for 12 years. Her response was: "Every M had problems. Has BH ever cheated on you?" Cue rugsweeping and blameshifting!

Dreamland...

You have a PM.

I decided not to tell my parents yet. They are still struggling with their grief. I am afraid that they would feel guilty thinking that if they'd been there for me, I wouldn't have made such a terrible choice. They will think they failed somehow. Of course, that's not true but I know them. I don't want to add to their pain. We are all recovering (if that's even possible, maybe I should say we are getting better at surviving), but it's still day to day for all of us. I will tell them eventually but not yet.

I am having lunch with my friend tomorrow. She has been reading this. As I said, her husband had an affair after they lost a child, and she suggested I post here. We made a pact to not discuss the issue again until we saw each other in person and could do so face to face. I know she feels I should tell. That is why she offered to be the intermediary; however, she hasn't pressured me to do so. She says it must be my own decision, particularly as there are risks. I will talk it through with her tomorrow. I am determined to make a decision either way.

Thank you for all your advice.

FWIW I don''t think you should contact his wife. Mainly because I think it''s best that he is out of your life, he sounds dangerous to me. Secondly, I would not want the OW to tell me anything. I would have much preferred for her to just go away. I absolutely would have wanted a friend, co worker or hell- my husband to tell me what was going on. But the OW, no. Just no.

You sound very much like my husband''s OW. I threatened to tell her parents, ruin her at work. In the end my strong belief in common decency wouldn''t let me do it. In the end I told her to go on and live a happy life and never to put herself in this position again. I truly believe she won''t. And I don''t think you will either.

((Hugs))

[This message edited by Girlietoo at 4:26 PM, November 2nd, 2013 (Saturday)]

Do you think it is better that she never find out rather than have the OW tell her? Also, I was going to have my friend whose husband had an affair contact her, so I wouldn't be directly contacting her. Would that make a difference to you?

That does make a difference yes, but I would still prefer I not be told. If I had to be told I would want it to be through an intermediary.

While I know that the conventional wisdom is that you should tell the OW because that will (probably) punish the OM. It almost certainly will punish the OW too.

My view is that you must take care of YOU first. If there is any reasonable chance that telling the OW will backfire onto you, I'd not do it. You are not required to sacrifice yourself in order to punish the OM.

Query,

Just wanted to say that your friend is a treasure -- what a good friend she is to you. I hope you will let her help you do right.

[This message edited by StrongerOne at 11:57 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

Long talk with my friend yesterday and then saw her tonight at my grief support group. Even though her husband betrayed her, she doesn't judge me. She says she has come to understand her husband's behavior in the wake of their loss and so she also understand my actions. That's not saying she gives me or her husband a pass, she doesn't. She does understand that just as her husband was vulnerable, I was too. She says I've helped her to see both sides and that she can't make excuses for her husband and pin all the anger on the Ow because doing so avoids the real problem, a person who chose to cheat.

I have decided to tell. My friend I'll be the intermediary. She really feels his wife should know so she is more than happy to do this. Will it come back to me and harm me? Maybe. But my but instinct wouldn't leave me alone. I kept feeling that I had a moral duty to tell his wife. Although I made an immoral choice, it doesn't mean I'm an immoral person. I'm not.

[This message edited by query at 3:54 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]