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I used to watch Twilight and I remember feeling grouchy at my H for a few hours after watching those types of movies. Everytime the main male character was romantic or said some sweet line, I wanted to smack my H and say, "See, why don't you do that for me?"

I realized that while it's not "porn"- I'm not getting any sort of a sexual arousal or thrill from it- it is an unrealistic expectation of what a loving, romantic relationship should be.

Ok, sorry but, RUFKM????

Books/literature etc are a way to suspend belief and step into someone shoes. Just because I've read a book do I want to become that character or hold others to those standards? Did I expect to live like as a pioneer woman after reading "little house on the prairie"? Certainly books can expand your horizons or introduce you to new ideas, but "mommy porn" in not in any way on the same playing field as "two girls, one cup".

I'm seeing lots of female.responses so.I thought I'd respond with my perspective.

my ww was very.into romance type.novels and twighlight series. I mean shelves upon shelves. And in fact she wrote a romance style novel about their sexual encounter (her and other man). which I discovered and can now revisit whenever see fit. she is actually quite good at writing it. but the subject matter makes it hard to really appreciate it in this case.

but I'd definitely say that this can and does affect the relationship of many married couples. as it.makes a fantasy that real life can't possibly compete with.

though there was a recent report that life does indeed imitate art. they article was about how Americans may have an out of touch with reality view of how life should be due to the level of movie and television we watch that is in no way an actual representation of reality. they pointed out that a lot of sitcoms and shows have people with often a seemingly inordinate amount of free time, and an excess of cash and.lifestyle that wasn't anywhere commiserate with what their real life position would afford them. So that certainly seems to point to a strong correlation of what you read and view having a real affect on your outlook on real life.

So I can see how romance type novels, just like unhealthy porn habits could create an environment of "something better must be out there." but not in everyone necessarily.

Agree with Chicho.

If someone has a problem with separating fiction from real life, then sure, a fictional novel might feel real to them and they'll use it to judge their reality. In that case, if they're using this fantasy to judge their marriage and it starts doing damage to the marriage, then it's unhealthy.

FWH and I have watched porn and neither of us has issues with it because we've never had it turn into a problem for either of us. I've had "a crush" on Indiana Jones since I was a teenager and FWH has always thought that was cute and funny, since I certainly don't judge him by this fictional archaeologist's personality, and since I don't try to recreate the movie in my own life. FWH has female fictional characters he's always loved and I feel the same comfort and affection for that.

However if FWH's A had been with a woman who looked just like the dark haired doctor from ER he likes, I wouldn't find it funny in the least, and I'd believe that he crossed the fantasy/reality line and that would be the end of innocence in particular realm. Just as if he had become addicted to porn we clearly wouldn't be able to ever watch it together again, and if I had started writing fan mail to our University's archaeologist or something, FWH would have every right to feel betrayed.

I just think it's about where your weaknesses are, your particular vulnerabilities and the comfort level of both partners. If your WW's A was being described by her in terms of a Nora Roberts book, with steamy glances and sardonic looks or whatever, then heck yes it would feel connected and be a problem. Also, if it makes you uncomfortable and makes you feel like your marriage isn't safe, it's a problem.

I do not think porn is bad , I think it saved my marraige at times when things were bad. I would never cheat but I did want sex a lot more than others . I used porn as a stress reliever and on days when she said no or was not in the mood . Yes I agree it led to me objectifying her at times . I can see its bad points but it also allowed us to keep our sex life interesting by watching and experimenting. It's like anything else if used wrong or in a bad manner. As far as mommy porn someone hit the nail on the head when they said if things were the other way , the guy would be a perverted molester!!

I have to agree that the Mommy Porn plays a part in all of this. No so much from the sexual side, but you have to admit that the guys in the books and movies are often times the 'perfect' men, and if women get too deep into those fantasies, if they start to expect even some of that from their H, then it can be unhealthy for the M.

Think of it this way, if I showed my W a porn actress and said "Why don't you look like that?" - it would be wrong. Is it any less wrong if she watches a soap opera and then looks at me and says "Why don't you act like that?"

My W was, and always has been, heavy into romance. Novels, books, movies, soaps, shows.... it's all about drama and it's all about romance. I have to believe that that plays a part in her A. She wanted that drama, that excitement, that romance, that 'forbidden love' ( ) - you know, all the things that the fantasies around her were showing her. Perhaps it was subconscious, but it was there.

Be honest with yourselves... tell me you haven't watched a scene in a movie or show or read a chapter in a book where a woman is seduced by her 'lover' (the OM) and had your heart quicken a bit over her excitement. Honest. Some of you may not admit it, but I bet you have. Not trying to incriminate anyone here... just an observation.

tell me you haven't watched a scene in a movie or show or read a chapter in a book where a woman is seduced by her 'lover' (the OM) and had your heart quicken a bit over her excitement.

Yes, that's what those scenes are written for, just as porn is supposed to give you a rush, and comedies make you laugh, and sad movies make you sad, and scary movies make you scared. I don't see what that has to do with adultery, though. It would be a sad world if we considered it negative to have an emotional reaction to a work of fiction. IMO it's not the momentary reaction, it's the way the person translates that feeling to the context of their life.

And if my spouse ever pointed at anyone, real or fictitious, and asked why I didn't act more like them in any fashion I'd be shocked. Do people actually do that? I can't imagine accepting that under any circumstance at all.

I watched 'The Notebook' with my teenage daughter - she was shocked that I loved it so much. She was horrified that the woman had cheated on her fiance, and she said to me, 'Mom, if I did that, you would be very disappointed in me'. She had a real point. IRL, I hate adultery. In a well-told romantic movie? Well, apparently there I approve of it. Seeing it once? Great. Making it one of my top favorite love stories ever? Maybe not so much anymore.

From the porn I've seen, it's not really "Billy and Jane meet and have sex". It's "Janes's husband is away, and Billy is her boss, and he invites her over... blah blah." It's the forbidden that makes it erotic, and I can't see how that doesn't play out IRL at some point.

'The Notebook' with my teenage daughter - she was shocked that I loved it so much.

I am shocked anyone likes it, let alone loves it. Had to read it for our Bookclub ~ hated it. The only good thing about the movie (went because it was a girls' night out~ugh!) was being able to look at Ryan Gosling and James Garner. Hate sappy movies and books! Even before I knew FWH had cheated, hated the "The Notebook".

There is a big difference between romance, fantasy, bodice rippers, erotica, chick lit, watching soaps on tv and porn. Mommy porn? I am not buying into this media hype. I feel it has very little to do with the material being read and more to do with the person reading it or watching it. Hate all kinds of soaps, which are also prime time shows like "The Good Wife" "Revenge" "Scandal" "Mistresses" "Grey's Anatomy" they call them prime time dramas, but they are soaps.

The more I think about this, the more it bothers me. So watching or reading anything that depicts a man as better than average is the same as hard core porn? But all the millions of women in books or film that are better than average do nothing to incite adultery? Just the romantic men?

And which is it, men in books that are hopelessly romantic so that men can't live up to their standards or the 50 Shades dude who is a complete dickhead but is rich and kinky? Which one is going to make me go outside my marriage?

but you have to admit that the guys in the books and movies are often times the 'perfect' men

There are thousands of romance novels out there. None of the ones I read have perfect men in them--that would be boring. There are plenty of characters with faults, quirks, problems, issues, disabilities, disfigurements, etc.

Ontheslope, it sucks that your wife wanted "forbidden love", drama and a POS OM. I think you're right that reading crap could have encouraged her shallow and broken tendencies. But a book could never make a healthy, good woman cheat.

In fact, infidelity is highly highly frowned upon in the romance genre. (Erotica is different.)

Be honest with yourselves... tell me you haven't watched a scene in a movie or show or read a chapter in a book where a woman is seduced by her 'lover' (the OM) and had your heart quicken a bit over her excitement.

Not in a romance novel, I haven't. Because the heroine in a romance novel does not cheat. Part of the reason that I read romance is to be safe from the glamorization of infidelity. I've read more of these books than I care to admit and I'm telling you--if a book shows adultery in a positive light, it doesn't get labeled or shelved "romance". Once, I read one where the couple separated (in a time before divorce) and the man cheated. He was miserable, he hit rock bottom, he changed, he was remorseful, and he and his wife ended up reconciling in a beautiful and yes, hot way.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 9:18 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Which one is going to make me go outside my marriage?

That's the point. Nothing MAKES anyone go outside their marriage except themselves!!!

Thanks for the many, varied responses! I am comforted that there is such a diverse splattering of opinions.

Million pieces....I am not familiar with the "two woman" reference....but I assume you are referring to lesbian sex. If that is the case I can see why this is not in the same field as traditional male-female romance novels.

My curiosity is how mommy porn can move fantasy closer and closer to real life expectations. Or IF it even does?

Traditional porn....sex between a man and a woman, sex between a man and two women or vice-versa....has shown that it can change the reality of what sex "should " or "could" be inside a mans thinking. I know it made some sex acts between a man and a woman less taboo for me.

I am not concerned about "deviant sex films" like bondage or "alternate sex films" like gay or lesbian sex. I am trying to compare similar types of sexual stimulants based on gender -proven preferences.....men=visual, women=emotional.

Actually....I think I have my answer.....there is no correct answer.

MY perceived correct answer for ME is that all porn is bad. My perception is a result of my experience .

My post was my attempt to understand mommy porn better. I don't fully grasp the draw to it, hardly see it in the damaging light traditional porn is in....but also admit I don't find it very stimulating....even in the visual format such as Twilight.....though a movie of 50 shades may trigger a different response in me....it sounds more blatantly sexually charged?

I guess if you are completely healthy, porn doesn't affect you? The fact that I am not completely healthy is probably why I feel I must view it as bad. IC has revealed abandonment issues and porn can be an escape from risking achieving real mature intimacy for a person with abandonment issues...."If I don't really connect to someone, when they abandon me I won't get as hurt" sort of twisted logic. Way wrong....but can comprehend this faulty logic...I am working on that.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:50 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Mediumrare....cool addition to this post....but that speaks to a whole nother societal difference. This holds true for a teacher sleeping with a student.....man to girl is gross Woman to boy is not as gross.

Not sure if that is a real photo or made up.....but I know enough real "soccer moms" that are very willing to play the role of those in that picture.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:56 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

The forbidden part seems to be a theme I believe is most tied to my wife's A.....he is a rather dumpy looking guy with 5 kids.....not the heartthrob of Indiana jones or the mysterious vampire like hunk.

I do think there were steamy glances.....but think that was my wife seeing what she wanted to see. I just wonder if her ability to see what she desired to see in him was enhanced by mommy porn? I get that adultery is chosen in the total absent if mommy porn....just expanding my journey into new "fields of study"......because, after all, I have soooo much extra time and soooo much extra energy to do so! :smile :

This is traditionally when one of my SI buddy's tells me to put the books down, turn off the computer....and get out into nature.

Thanks again for the willingness to share your opinions!

P.s. I still think "What would Pa do?" when faced with a hardship.

I am a child that grew up on Little House....guess that reveals the depth to my unhealthyness. TV has an affect on me, as did porn . I like to be like Pa, I don't like what porn did to me.

Left to my own accord I would be very selfish. Without role models I would not grow to my potential. I can no see just how what I did and who and what I associate with can influence me.

I am striving to do better.

At what age do we think we are immune from external influences? I spend a fair amount of energy monitoring who my girls hang out with, what they watch, what they do on the computer.

I don't think we are ever to the point where what we do or who we hang out with should NOT be taken into consideration.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:22 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

I think the issue is that you are comparing apples to oranges. Visual porn is something guys like. Erotica would be the female version not romance novels and romantic movies.

While you say that it causes an unrealistic view for men to live up to... Well how many men think that since they put a ring on their wife's finger that they no longer have to woe her or romance her? Guys how would you like it if when you got married your wife said "well now that we are married we don't have to have sex?" Yet that happens all too often to women when they get married.

I didn't cheat. I loved romance novels.... Specially the ones where the guy rescued the damsel in distress. When I married exwh he believed that our sex life would increase to at LEAST once a day. Mind you I was supporting him and working while he only went to school. He played video games all night and expected me to jump his bones on command.

I didn't get a single flower, card or gift for special occasions. He never celebrated valentine's day and anniversaries were just a dinner out.

We were married 10 years... I never cheated. Exwh on the other hand watched porn behind my back. When I wouldn't give him sex when he wanted it, he took it by force.

You tell me which was worse.... Romance novels filled a need that I wasn't getting met in a harmless way. Porn... Encouraged him to met his needs... In a violent way.

In a nutshell it all depends on how a person uses the movie, book, etc

On the contrary, man-porn data shows a strong link to adultery.

There's no real data for this, or real data for brain-melting or anything else like that.

Romance novels are as damaging as porn because they can be abused by people who lack self control. Neither of them are, say, heroin.

Books/literature etc are a way to suspend belief and step into someone shoes. Just because I've read a book do I want to become that character or hold others to those standards? Did I expect to live like as a pioneer woman after reading "little house on the prairie"? Certainly books can expand your horizons or introduce you to new ideas, but "mommy porn" in not in any way on the same playing field as "two girls, one cup".

Watching two people eat a saucer of shit is arguably less sick than watching any Dirty Harry film where a sociopathic gun nut goes on a murder spree because he decides the system sucks.

The medium is not the issue - there is plenty of shit out there expressed in the written word that is far, far, far more vile than recorded images of two people fucking. Just like I will never be as awesome as Indiana Jones, I will never have a ten inch dick, and both of those remain relegated to fantasy in the same way reading the Garret Files (Cook fans, Wicked Bronze Ambitions has been out fyi) remains relegated to fantasy, despite the disparate media expressions.

eta:

And the very phrase "Mommy Porn" is kind of fucking insulting to women who have kids. It's not like my wife wanted to fuck differently after two kids. I mean yeah the body goes through changes but the real shift was sleep deprivation.

It's like calling something Daddy Porn IMO. What the fuck would that even be? It sounds awful.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:26 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

Aaaahhhh perhaps this is the link.....self control.

Self control would stop abuses and harms all together....right. It would have prevented my wife from cheating on me if she would have had self control. I could have not used porn if I had self control.

Perhaps this is why short term behavioral therapy works......it appears to completely avoid such lengthy looks to the past and lengthy discussions, such as the one revolving around this post.....and goes right to work on creating new habits and breaking old habits.

I am no longer a porn user . My wife is no longer choosing adultery. Both of us have exercised self control.

Stillgoing....thanks for responding. I agree mommy porn is not a great term to use....I just applied it, didn't create it. Actually, I never heard it before my journey through adultery . Very new to me thus this post....interested in learning more about it.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:16 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

I don't fully grasp the draw to it, hardly see it in the damaging light traditional porn is in....but also admit I don't find it very stimulating....even in the visual format such as Twilight.....

Well that's good, since it was visually about teenagers in heavy makeup, sneering at each other.

At what age do we think we are immune from external influences?

Hopefully we're always open to external influences, but have a well grounded enough sense of ourselves to discriminate between sources. I don't accidentally gain a role model when I watch porn, because my inner compass tells me that the people I'm watching don't represent my ideal.

I think it's important to bring this back to affairs and say that I have been in the exact situation my FWH was when he started his A, and was easily able to maintain good boundaries and let those situations flow over me without a ripple. It's not because I'm superhuman or perfect, but because I did not have the specific weakness inside me that would make that situation seem in any way attractive. FWH had a huge hole, a huge vulnerability and danger zone in that same situation and saw the choice to have the A as a viable, attractive path. It's not about the situation itself.

It's about the PERSON, and their character and internal makeup that allows a situation, a book, a movie, a fantasy, a coworker or random stranger to become a dangerous path to an A. It's not universal. It's not "mommy porn" or "daddy porn" that does it. It's not facebook. It's the person making the choices.

If porn is a dangerous road in your house, then you absolutely made the right choice in giving it up. If romance novels give you or your spouse fantasies that they use to damage the marriage, then backing away from the genre maybe forever, or maybe until they fix whatever issue they have that causes them to damage their marriage using the vehicle of fantasy novels, is appropriate. I think it's great to examine these things in your marriage.