SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lieshurt. When I got home he looked like his dog died. I could see it all over his face. He thought it as harmless cause he would just give me her number and delete hers from his. I think after it was done he realized that's exactly how his A started and realized he needed to correct it.

Here's the problem I see with it - he still doesn't have boundaries. After what he did, he should be at a place to know, right from the get-go, that that is someplace you just don't go.

I tend to be a little more skeptical and would be more inclined to think that his attitude after had more to do with him realizing if he got caught once, he could get caught again and he was nervous. To me it says he is still ripe for another A and I think that is a very big deal.

there's a SAHM next door that has come out to meet and welcome H to the neighborhood. Three times. Not me.

Ummm, OW wannabe?

SAHM came by last night to bring the kids some candy. I was with one child out trick or treating and H was home with the other giving out candy. They exchange phone numbers at her request.

How 'convenient', did she know you were out of the house? I'm betting she did and took advantage of the holiday to 'visit' with your H again...

These things tell you all you need to know about her and her intentions. Keep your eyes open!

I thought the same things Crushed1 said. She is definitely an OW wanna be. She's too friendly with your husband and not you. This speaks volumes about her character. I bet she knew you left the house when she came to speak to your husband and ask for his number. Hope she got the message when you went to speak to her that your husband is off limits. The same thing applies to your husband. He should never allow something like this to happen again. Now wait to see if the new neighbor would actually call you.

I'm not disagreeing with you that he should have thought about his actions and how you would feel BEFORE giving out his number.

However, the fact that he realized it all on his own shows progress. The fact that he was upfront with you right away shows progress. More importantly, it shows that he FEELS THE SAME WAY YOU DO, and is not merely doing what you say to get in your good graces (my H does this- he will do as I ask even though he doesn't agree, and then just think I am some crazy person- he doesn't get where I am coming from at all). All of those things are very good things.

Progress is good. Of course you want to be in a place where the neighbor lady comes outside to "welcome him" for the fifteenth time and he immediately just says, "hi I'm Jim, let me get my wife so you can meet her too," or "you know, as a married man, I don't give out my number to other women. If you need to get ahold of us, you can call my wife's cell- it is 555-5555. I will let her know you stopped by." But this doesn't just happen overnight, unfortunately.

I say to praise him for his progress because that will do two big things for your marriage:

1) It will encourage him to be upfront and honest with you more often. If every time he does so, there is an epic fight and you're mad and he is wrong for something he did...he might get to a place where he says, "f--- it, I'm just not going to tell her things because I'm going to get in trouble." What kind of behavior do you want to encourage?

2) if you are praising him for things he is doing right, he will not be able to later claim that all you do is nag him. Positive memories will begin to be built.

Thanks again all. Beyond breaking. I hear you loud and clear. It's lot easier for me to digest after a couple of nights. Thanks for the insight. It does make me stop and think. There is truth in what u are saying.

Nope, you're not over reacting at all. There was an OW wannabe in Finally10's road cycling group- they are persistent. Nip it in the bud and review boundaries.

I agree with beyondbreaking and Clarissa - while there is still work to be done on his boundaries, etc, I think it is really positive that he recognized this as problematic behaviour so soon and that he told you about it right away. He didn't handle it perfectly, but it shows growth that he handled it the way he did.

Ugh, that is so hard. My H also has (had) boundary issues and holy crap they're tricky!

We had a similar incident (different, but same effect) where H was talking to another woman and I was there but their convo was exclusive. Anyway, I was so pissed and hurt and we had hours of talk about it, how it happened, how I felt, how he felt etc. It was a major turning point in our relationship. For the better.

This is a process. We all want to be "there", where communication is perfect and no mistakes are made, but we can't just be there, we have to get there.

It's hard, painful and exhausting. But honestly, I'm only almost 5 months from true DDay and it's happening. I see the progress and it feels so good.

I'm not negating what he did. I would be livid!! But... he told you, he's willing to discuss and do what it takes to make amends. Sometimes the most learning comes from the most difficult things.

I'm sorry you're hurting, I truly hope this incident ends up bringing you and your H closer.