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IDK...if he was high when it happened, I think he could have forgotten or buried it or maybe even not been sure what was real and what wasn't.

Confession..I've done cocaine, yea grew up in the 80's, you don't forget stuff and unless its diff now, you can decipher real from unreal. Ilike I said, it was years ago and maybe its diff now or I suppose if your smoking or shooting it, it may have a diff affect...I

didn't do that so not sure.

Since he has you in a tizzy half the time from putting a spin on everything, you might try writing down truths you know. Then write what you want for your future, for yourself, things that don't include him...like the dog you want. These ws have a way of making everything about them and pretty soon, we've lost ourselves. Just concentrate on you and what you can control., which is only yourself. I know its so hard to unravel them out of your head. I'm trying to do that. I can't control one thing my ws does or says but I can control how I react. I bet when you start putting yourself first, he won't know what to do.

Ostrich, good words to read. Wish I could control how to react, I recognize I need help with emotion control, everything hurts so painfully deep. You feel like you need to concentrate on this horrible pain and it is very hard to turn away, let it go, and go to something else. Doesn't feel right somehow.

But I

Ostrich, good words to read. Wish I could control how to react, I recognize I need help with emotion control, everything hurts so painfully deep. You feel like you need to concentrate on this horrible pain and it is very hard to turn away, let it go, and go to something else. Doesn't feel right somehow.

But Iknow it is best.

Technically, I guess he never said he would get rid of car. I told him he needed to and he said "it would be hard". I repeated he needed to get rid of it anyway and said that it could never be at my house again would cause too much pain for me and for our family in the future as this picture is still out there. This should have been respected, understood and never even needed to be said.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 12:17 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I am making a list of what I want to do for me. To make a better me. The only thing I control.

I need to see doctors about my carpal tunnel. I am supposed to have been seeing a massage therapist for facial jaw pain, need a mammogram and bone density test because of back pain issues. Want to investigate a new procedure for another issue.

All not major issues but will feel better with any improvement.

I want to be a stronger person, used to be but all these blows one after the other , some blindsided by, have beaten me down.

Want to get a corgi dog! So cute. Never have had one cuz WH doesn't like the mess of one but I would love one. Would never be alone while shunned again. My son is encouraging me to get one.

I want to take some classes on glass making.

I think doing this and more will make be stronger and I will be able to make a decision and take a stand and withstand the consequences.

I will read the 180 again.

I just want to not care about him so much.

Even now I feel guilt that I havent been showing him love and understanding and support for his giving up the cocaine and that struggle. Stupid.

The one thing on your list that seems missing is IC - and that's the one thing that I think would be most effective in helping you achieve your goal. Was that just an oversight?

I was in IC since May, then in August we were starting MC and I decided to stop seeing my IC. I was feeling just horrible with her, I felt so pitiful and judged so stupid to be still trying with him. She kept asking when it was going to be enough and she would widen her eyes and shake her head as I revealed each wound I had received or was feeling. I did not feel empowered. When I met with MC by myself for the first couple times to see what she was like she mentioned that I would need my own IC possibly with her which sounded good to me, someone who was also going to help the marriage, but then after the first joint meeting when I brought that up she was hesitant and said she didn't know if that was a good idea. I didn't understand the shift and felt maybe it was because WH is so charming and good looking....always a risk with a female MC. Or maybe I was wrong but I felt unsafe with her then and untethered. Just scared to trust someone again. Especially when I told the first IC that I wanted to stop she sent me alarming emails telling me that she thought I would self-harm. This really freaked me out. I need someone but am afraid to start again. I do feel very alone in this though which is why it is so hard to be strong.

I have sunk so far, I have no power....

Gently, your pain and despair are palpable. In that state, what will MC accomplish? MC requires you to assert yourself, and you don't sound ready for that yet. The MC can help you assert yourself, but finding your strength is more a task for IC.

In IC you're the client. The IC is in your corner. In MC the M is the client. It sounds like you need the support of IC.

Disagreeing with the IC doesn't necessarily kill the process, but I'll be frank. You paint a nasty picture of your H. He doesn't sound like a WS I'd want anything to do with, and I don't understand why you reject advice to dump him. I've drawn my conclusion from your words alone.

What do you see in this guy that makes you think R is possible?

I know my words show someone I should run from, should have run from.

Why am I with him now? If I am anymore...

This is what is making me stay:

He, I believe, has finally ceased contact with OP for good. I 90% believe that he hasn't had sex with her since 2004, that he hasn't actually been in her presence since the end of 2011. He phoned her and got cocaine from her but I don't think met with her, talked about it, but...90%.

He has always stated that he loves me, never the ILYBNILWY stuff.

He tells me that I am his soul mate, his best friend.

Has never said that he wants to leave me.

He is getting help for his issues. He is overcoming his drug

use. He states that he want to be his old self, that he wants to be a person that I can be proud of.

He is my heart. Has been since I was 18.

I can see that the pieces of a good relationship are there.

I don't understand why they don't come together. Don't understand if they are not real or if he is just too damaged.

He wants me to stay, he wants to stay, I have fun with him, we enjoy time with each other, that was always easy.

I actually felt more empowered at the one joint session of the MC than I ever did in the months of IC.

The MC said to WS, now you understand that MIP has to be in the drivers seat for a while...can you do that? He agreed but did not follow through. Why not? This is what is incomprehensible to me. Why can't he give up control?

Is this sabotage?

I am so sad...I think he has ended us....

I just don't understand....

When I assert myself I only get pain

I assert myself and I get shunned

I have no power

I have no effect

I have no voice

It does nothing

I know I need to control my pain and anger and reactions. That is the only place where I know I am sabotaging us. But I don't know how to not be angry when I am hurt by what he does. What else could I have done when that car appears? I at first took it in the house and talked angrily to him but them he just left me there....left me with that pain and went back out to talk to people. Shouldn't he have prioritized me? Am I wrong here, should I have gotten myself in hand and not gone out and confronted him? I think I would have gotten the same treatment....silence.

I guess you could have taken a hammer to the car and not said a word. Which I may or may not have done.

Forget about this, quit talking to him until he apologizes for still having the whoremobile. Look for your puppy.

The only way to get untangled from this mess is to find yourself..

You may not have the right IC for you, sometimes it takes a little bit of shopping around to find a good one...

Separate your life and your concerns from his life and his concerns... Get accustomed to doing things for you that make you feel good and healthier..Make yourself the priority in your day to day decisions and schedule..After doing this for a while, than reassess where your head is at in regards to this relationship..

Do something each day-just for you. It can be something small a soak in a hot bath, a new blouse, a dr appt. all those little things add up to caring for yourself-and are a step to loving yourself .

I needed to do those steps to help me develop self love and respect...one small self caring incident at a time.

^^^^^^ this!

All BS (myself included) need to do this!