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Well, it is probably true that she wasn't herself, however she was still residing in the same body, just in a different frame of mind.

So she knows, and thus can tell you, what she was thinking. Even if she doesn't think that way anymore.

Whyme the issue of her knowing that you were in hospital and very ill scares me - a spouse should never put their needs ahead of their partner when it comes to medical issues - I can see the "fog" and wanting to be with someone - but leaving your loved one when they really needed you is IMHO just terrible - I feel very badly for you :( When I had surgery last year my SO took very good care of me during my recovery but to be very honest while I was sleeping/resting I think that he was chatting on line....... he always kept up a very great facade during his online affairs - so today I have no bad point of reference to his behaivor - he is the same now as he was then.

Obviously you feel something is not right... And for you to get past your all that she has done. She must not be her doing part. Remember she has to fight for you... So that you even feel comfortable to R. I don't know maybe you're right. She's just doing all she can just to get bye, after all she did lose her job. Just like you said maybe if she didn't lose her job or get caught God it still be going on. And how can she not on here posting and trying to get help. She hasn't posted on here in a long time I don't know he must be sensing something is wrong. Good luck ...

[This message edited by trojan007 at 6:21 PM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

she has been in ic since D-day and we bhave had a couple of mc sessions together. she post on here sometimes but I don't think as often as I do and obviously she posts on the wayward side her name is anotherchance. you can look at her posts and tell me what you think....

The last time she posted this on the 29th Oct. And she was complaining that she has to initiate sex every time. This is a tough one buddy it's hard to say when you're not seen her in person and her actions only you can. I feel for you buddy I hope she sincerely does the right thing time only tell good luck

My exww had plenty of bullshit in her but when i had a hangnail she still was decent to me. We all have our limits partner, you decide for yourself what yours are, but her proclamations about love sound like shes trying to convince herself. After i filed i confronted her on 4 other men. She never denied it. Trust me, this probably isnt the first and unless she becomes st mary of the snows it wont be the last. Real remorse is out there for all of us, but she has to be telling you the 100% truth from now on. Your bullshit detector is way up there so you will smell the lie on her.

Sorry for the point-by-point, but there's a couple different things in your post that I wanted to address.

so im I crazy to sometimes believe that she truly wants to R..

Nope, not at all. We've all of us done stupid and hurtful things that we wish we could take back, or fix. Generally that hurt isn't on the level of infidelity, but we've all done it.

It is quite possible that she truly wants to R and simply doesn't have good relationship habits built yet so she keeps unintentionally hurting you. It's also possible that she's on the fence about R, but you're comfortable. Or that she truly wants R, but as a couple you're toxic for each other. Or that she doesn't care at all and is lying for her own selfish reasons. I think SI members could give you anecdotes about all three situations.

But none of us are in your exact spot right now, so all we can do is tell you about our own experiences and try to help you as best we can based on those.

I know im the only one who can decide what too do. But im I right in assuming most of you would be out the door already knowing what she did?

My wife carried on an affair with one of my best friends. A man who's often been described as "sharing a brain" with me since we aligned on so many hobbies, attitudes, even senses of humor. He was, for all practical purposes, closer to me than my biological brother. My wife lied to me, she hurt me, she (though she didn't realize it) threatened to take away my kids and home.

But I'm still with her. We're working hard on reconciliation. In the end I decided that I loved her enough to risk the pain of a potential failed R. And it's working alright, three months out. It's not perfect, and I'll be adding the affair to my catalog of mental scars, but so far the risk has been worth it.

I ask myself everyday if I will ever be able to get over what she did to me when I was in the hospital and everyday I come up with a different answer. I just don't know anymore..

To me, her behavior while you were in the hospital is the most hurtful action she took. Have you and she discussed why she did that, why she ignored your calls? Maybe as important, is it something she feels willing to explore with her IC, if not with you just yet?

I think the problem is not the affair, but the cowardice. Everybody likes a nice place. A place they feel warm, cozy and comfortable. What our spouses don't get, or at least didn't get, is that sometimes you have to work or even fight to make the place you're at the way you want it. That takes vision, to see what you want before it manifests, strength to do the hard work, and courage to get started and follow through when things get tough. I feel an affair is a symptom of a deeper, inner weakness.

Like I explain to my wife, sometimes life is like a trip to the Holiday Inn. When you check in, the room is ready. It's clean and fresh and nice. You can just come in and relax. Other times, often, you walk into a situation that needs work, sometimes lots of it. That's a marriage. It's not always comfortable and pleasant. Sometimes you've got to push through. Our spouses lacked the courage to do that.

Some therapists will say, erroneously, that the problem was with the marriage, or communication or whatever.

BULLSHIT!!!

The problem was/is the WS wanting to find a short cut or an easy way out. If the problem was the marriage, both spouses would have cheated. In the case of mad-hatters, I'd say its a case of two people running instead of fighting.

I feel this is why many reconciliations take so long or don't happen. WS need to acquire the courage to plant their feet and, after infidelity, we BS need to do the same. The difference for us BS is that the WS has to show they are worth the effort. If my wife wasn't doing the hard work, and I at time have made it harder than it needed to be, I would be gone like a fart in tornado.

My fWH also has a sense of disconnection with his behaviour during his LTA. When he told the OW he felt guilty she told him to compartmentalise. And he did, boy was he good at it. Saying that though does not negate the fact that he owns up to 100% of the affair, admits he was selfish and thought he would get away with it. Because he was so good at compartmentalising, he considered AT THE TIME it was not damaging. Does not mean he still thinks that, he can see now how much damage he was doing, and is horrified he could behave so badly for so long. And he really does seem to be like a different person now.

But the hospital situation...not sure how I'd deal with that, it was just plain cruel.

I will say that for us sex is great now, but just as important, probably more important, is simply holding hands, cuddling, talking, simply being in the same emotional head space. Really, the sex is a (very welcome) result of doing all those other things, maybe this might be a starting point instead of going the whole way, is it worth asking your W to start things gently like this?

(((whyme1525)))

Sounds like your WW is just going thru the motions. They can say all they want that they want R, but both spouses have to be willing to do a lot of hard work, & be willing to really look at themselves.

My WH stated in MC last night "I am not a cheater". Talk about denial. The MC said to him "Exactly how many times do you have to have sex with another woman who is not your wife before you would consider yourself to be a cheater?"

Your WW has to really see what she did. I don't think we BSs can control it, force the WS to see it. They have to want to.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 6:05 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

Your wife values her marriage even if she does not respect you. The security, protection, all the material assets, respectability etc. etc. She gets along with you OK, why would she want a divorce?

You have to look at your own situation. You can't work, disabled and few job prospects; what would a divorce do to you? Don't disregard the material and financial advantages of remaining married. It could be the only logical choice.

The hospital incident is truly horrible and you definitely need to feel you have addressed that and are at peace that it was something that could never happen again. I have a similar flashpoint - I was in hospital after c-section from high risk pregnancy having had a wonderful son (our first kid) and he disappeared to do work for most of my time there and now I now, from mails, he left me with our newborn to have sex with OW. The timing and complete disregard for me or our son kills me and is particularly cruel (I mean how can you witness your son being born and be writing texts a couple of hours later to get together with you "love". Part of me is still on the fence as I do still love him but as someone else has said I am waiting to make sure there is true remorse before making any firm decision on staying or leaving. I do think what we have gone through is horrid but I want to be at peace with whatever decision I make and am not going to pressurize myself on this. Wish you lots of strength in handling this