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My WS uses Facebook and other social sites in a way that I would consider unhealthy. After dday I had full access to her Facebook and during that time I followed her every move, but I also spent time looking at what many of her “friends” do as well. I noticed that other than a select few (my WS included) most people only post a status update a few times a month. If there is a special event (holiday, birthday, vacation, etc.) they will post a status update saying what they are doing and maybe post a few pics of the event. My WS post at a minimum 5 status updates a day. Some of these are just “check this out” kind of post where she will share a link to some product she likes. Could be a clothing website or some cute holiday decoration or even a recipe for a dish she wants to cook. The other post will be a “here is what I’m doing” post. She will comment that her and our daughter are snuggled on the couch watching a movie, she is going out to eat with her parents, she is really tired at work and cannot wait to get off.

Aside from what she actually posts herself she also spends a great deal of time doing what I call the “scroll.” This is where she is on her phone and you see her thumb constantly pushing the news feed page up and up checking out what other people have posted. I’ve actually quietly watched her do these things in lieu of her day to day family responsibilities often and for extended periods of time. There could be a pile of dishes in the sink, a mountain of dirty clothes, and our daughter asking her play, and she will put these things off without hesitation to do the scroll though a few more pages of updates.

She also posts things that I would consider too personal. Since dday for example she has posted a few status updates that would say things like “feeling broken” “worst day ever” “wish I could just curl up in a corner and sleep forever.” I watched these posts and noticed that a few of her friends would respond to each one. They would say things like “hang in there” “let me know what I can do to help” “You know I’m here for you.” What I found interesting was that she never responded to any of them. So she didn’t want to actually talk to anyone about how she was feeling. She just wanted people to know she was upset and wanted to see them “reach out to her.” I don’t have, never have had, and most likely never will have any social networking accounts. I have a small group of friends that I think are the best people in the world. I meet with them maybe a few times a month for beers and to chat about what’s been going on in our lives. That is enough for me. I feel like my WS's use of Facebook and other social sites is for external validation. She is looking to feed her self-esteem.

So my questions would be, do you think her Facebook habit is unhealthy or is this considered regular usage on those kinds of sites? As a BS do I have the right to ask her to change her social habits, or cancel the page altogether? Should I just accept that this is who she is, and base my decision to R or D off the idea that she will continue these behaviors in the future?

I'd treat this much like they treat it when asking about whether you abuse alcohol or are an alcoholic - does it interfere with your daily life and is it causing problems in your relationships? If yes, then typically what they say in response is that it doesn't matter if you're abusing alcohol or an alcoholic, alcohol is causing a problem in your life, and it's how you proceed from there that determines if it's an issue.

You can also Google "internet addiction test" and see some of the questions they ask.

My husband (who is also the WS) is a Facebook addict. He's a recovering alcoholic. And the issues that led me here stem from his need to be validated, "flirted" with, praised, etc. Personally, if she were my spouse, that would be too much for me. My own spouse's is too much for me, and I tell him that and he adjusts his behavior. But, that second part is what is key for us being in R - when I tell him behaviors bother me, he adjusts his behaviors.

I think that Facebook becomes a problem when/if:

-There are messages sent back and forth between members of the opposite sex that are not appropriate. If she is using FB as a way to flirt with other men, communicate with ex's, and hide things from you, not okay.

-She is being too specific and graphic in her posts. For example, I wouldn't necessarily call, "feeling broken," a too detailed status update. Something like, "I slept with another man," or giving graphic details about you or a fight that the two of you had, or posting your home address and vacation plans, etc... would be too much information.

-She is posting/sending/recieving inappropriate pictures.

-What you describe about putting off work, home, or parenting responsibilities in the REAL WORLD so that she can check facebook. Not okay.

I think that having a facebook page, in this era, is the norm. Asking her to cancel seems a bit extreme to me. However, asking her to tune into her family without a phone needing to be in her hand isn't too much.

ANY facebook is TOO MUCH facebook.

I boycot facebook. For me, it is like when I boycoted a tuna company for catching dolphins in their nets. I boycoted them outright. So much of facebook is negative in nature, I wish it didn't exist.

I heard on TV this morning about a thing called "ASK FM" where you can ask someone a question - anything. It can be anonymous. People are getting bulleyed, and worse.

What is the need for these things? Lets get back to living life and not spend our whole lives with technology instead of with real people!

Now...since I have been on this site for a few hours now, I am going to take a break! What a hypocrite!

I am starting to have concerns about the healthyness of facebook myself....especially as I learn about communication and connection.

Tones, inflections, cantor, body language...all play into us sending a message....70% of communication takes place in non-verbal. So Facebook-like communication misses almost 75% of our ability to communicate and connect.

I like it if you are just posting pics for grandparents to keep up with the ever changing lives of a grandchild.....but to use it as a primary way of communication is risky.

I am actually about done with texting my wife....for the same reasons I mentioned before.

Short of "Leaving work, home in 20 minutes" types of messages...it just is not "full enough" to communicate and connect with another person.

My wife and her AP used texting as a primary source of "relationship building", email came in second, and real life face to face or phone calls time came in a very very distant third. I believe this contributed to their ability to "mirror" what they wanted to see....and over-emphasis what each person was and was not. Basically giving them the ability to infer exactly what they wanted to about the other person.....instant escape and fantasy!

I also know that my wifes close friend is having issues surrounding FB. She found private messages from her husband to a girl he knew in highschool that were very intimate in nature. This other girl suggesting they could "be together and his wife would never know". To this day neither of them think this was an A.

We as a society seemed to be hell bent on instant gratification and self gratification above all else (look at adultery numbers as well as credit card debt to confirm this statement). FB and texting is popular, in large part, for this desire.

It has its place, but being a BS I am very bias about these very shallow modes of communication.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:29 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

I don't know the answer to this, but I will tell you that WH's FB use is a GIANT problem for me, and although I've told him this 100 times he has done NOTHING to curb it. He doesn't have a single IRL friend that he can call if he needs help with something, but he's got over 400 FB friends! I told him many times after d-day that he needed to scale back his friends, (he got rid of 10 and added about 15), and restrict his time on it, as he was fbing during family outings, while I sat in front of him trying to have a conversation, etc. Nope. It's a huge effing problem, have I mentioned that?

Prior to D-day his behavior on there was flirty and totally inappropriate, that has calmed mostly, but his usage has not.

....my wifes texting in general is waaaayyy off the pace as it was during her A period.

Oldcow18....seems like that would be an "easy" sacrifice to make for your M. I am sorry he is choosing not to do that for you.

You know, there are certain "deal breaking" items that all BS have to clarify with their fWS after DD. But, damn it, sometimes non-deal breaking items should still matter to a fWS.

My wife and I are moving towards this approach....forget about D being an option. How do we live more authentically, more intentional? How do we see this "smaller" issues (such as FB use) as every bit as important as the issues such as "If you fuck somebody else our M is over".

I read the following....."Real wisdom is attained when one stops worrying about what was important to them and starts worrying about what was NOT important to them".

I also read an interview of a couple who had been married 60 years. When the husband was asked what the secret to their long marriage was his answer was....

"We agreed early on that I would make all the BIG decisions and my wife would make all of the LITTLE decisions. So far, I have not had to make any BIG decisions!".

This idea of "its the little things that connect us" is a rabbit I am currently chasing.

It is less about the "words" and more about what is being "said".

The smallest change in my wifes nostrils communicates VOLUMES to me now. Where was THAT awareness 5 years ago? Shame on me.

It was the small stuff we both "let slide because it was not a BIG deal" that led us to disconnect.

Sorry if I am threadjacking...I think I am responding to the question asked....but can't see Hatingthis247's face or hear her tones so I MAY be wrong!

Peace to us all.

SI and my smart phone...I am working on keeping these uses in a tolerable range as well. It is very tempting.

I was on fb as much as the ws described here pre dday and I'm the bs. I was using fb to get me some external validation as my emotional needs were not being met by fwh. After dday I could no longer face all the irrelevant posts about what people were eating for dinner so I culled my fb friends down to family who live away as it's a way to stay in touch by PM only. But I blocked all their updates. I still have friends who are in my running club because that's how events and training is advertised. But I don't post very often.

Fwh wasn't on fb at all lately or during most of his A although before he ditched it OW was a fb friend of his. Funny she didn't accept my friend request even before the EA.

Texting is ok between me and fwh I think. We text a lot about the kids, our life, wisdom we've discovered and occasional sexting even. I've reclaimed that from OW. Not sure if we still be texting long term but right now I like it.

Facebook isn't the problem, it's the person abusing it that has the issue.

Facebook is validation meth.

If she is always on facebook she needs the external validation. Something is wrong there. If she is neglecting everything else to do that then something is wrong.

Think of it, it's not much different than a drug.

I completely agree that Facebook isn’t the problem. I don’t have any issues what so ever with my WS posting every single picture we take of our DD on there because I know we both have lots of family and friends that enjoy seeing them. My WS however did use Facebook for EA’s, talking to her friends about her PA’s, and it most certainly does have an effect on here personal and family life.

Any.

Just my two cent.

take care...

"Validation meth"........interesting term. As I think if those friends of mine that post every time they give blood or sneeze....I can kinda see a pattern of external validation in their lives.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:35 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

There's a problem if she's ignoring her family life.

My husband is a gamer. He has a twitter account, skype account, gaming message boards, youtube, etc... You name it, he most likely has it. He watches videos in the bathroom, in the living room on his ipad, on his cell phone at a restaurant. When the kids are brushing their teeth he's in the living room getting his game set up. He can't wait to get the kids to bed so he can play his games because I won't allow them to be played while they are awake (they are the violent war games). They get yelled at if they get out of bed while he's playing his games.

All this bothers me because I see the look on my son's face when my husband is doing this stuff. He asks me (the asthmatic) to go outside and play with him because he knows his father won't. Unfortunately, I can only play with him for so long. It is teaching my son that my husband's video games are more important than him.

I feel that technology (computers, websites, message boards, whatever) have a place, but their place is not in everything. There's nothing wrong with updating a status on FB (I personally don't like FB) but when it comes before family, work, special times, then it needs to either be reevaluated or stopped all together. Again that's just my opinion.

Facebook can be a very slippery slope. I have a facebook, but I rarely post on it. Use it mainly to keep in touch with family since we moved 18 hours away. My WH was much like your wife. Had over 500 friends, was checking newsfeed constantly, etc. After DDay he deactivated it. He has since opened a new facebook with only close friends and family. No random single girls. Girls from highschool who he barely knows, but are going through a rough time. The only time I see him on it is to post pics for the family. It doesn't sit open on his computer anymore. He knew it was one of his problems and it made reaching out very easy for him.

So far so good, but I (as well as WH) am aware it will have to go if things start entering his mind.

I think its an issue depending on how its used and how much. I use it to keep family members and close friends updated on how things are and share pictures of the family. Since we are spread out between several countries and across the US its the best way of keeping everyone up to date and feeling like they are connected to us. My WH uses it to play games and 99.9% of the people on his Facebook page are people he doesn't even know yet he has pictures of the children on his page and posts personal information (my status updates are things like fun activities I thought would be good for kids since most of my friends/family have young children or pick me up type posts).. When I need to share something personal I either e-mail or call people and tell them. I might post a general update if its something that I don't have time to call every single person (for example the birth of a child while Im pretty darn busy for a while).

Basically if there is to much time spent on it, you are sharing personal information on it instead of in person/on the phone or your spouse has an issue with it then I see an issue. If you use it well it can also be a great tool to keep connected to family/friends who aren't local. Especially when you are dealing with many different time zones.

Simplydevastated, you’re absolutely right. It’s not just Facebook or other social networking sites but anything that takes away from you family responsibilities is a problem. I myself am a gamer, and I work in the IT field so I spend a lot of time on a computer. However the time when I get home from work to the time my DD goes to bed is 100% her time. There have been times where DD and I play games together or she is playing one on her own so I will also play one of my own, but if she wants to go outside or wants me to participate in any other activity I’m right there with her. I’m sorry your H chooses himself over his family so often, and I’m sorry my WS does the same.

Right now I think my WS and I are in some sort of middle ground. Not really in R and not yet heading for D. If we do make an attempt at R though, her Facebook usage will most certainly need to be adjusted at minimum, if not stopped all together. I’m not sure that she understands this yet (or ever will) but since Facebook was used in her A’s, seeing her doing the “scroll” through updates on her phone is and will most likely always be a trigger for me.

I guess the main point is noticing when it becomes a problem. I don't post much on Facebook, but I did similar things on other social network sites. I'd make constant posts, and care for nothing but up votes or likes. My BBF pointed out that this was consuming my life. And it was. I deleted my account the same day with no regrets.

Have you talked to her about this? I know when I was feeling sad, I'd go to these sites to seek validation. Just someone to say, "it's going to be okay" or "I'm there for you". Like me, she might not even realize just how much time she spends on there. It is in a sense, a Skinner box.

For me, it was a way to numb the pain as well. If I just scroll through pages of cute kittens and funny videos, maybe I can just have complete abnegation and not think about my As and how shitty I feel.

At least she's not playing the Facebook games...hopefully.

[This message edited by pointofnoreturn at 9:06 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

Should I just accept that this is who she is, and base my decision to R or D off the idea that she will continue these behaviors in the future?

Yes; however, before making a decision you need to discuss this situation with your WS and why you are unable to tolerate it. If your WS then wants to change to please you, you can help her with what actions she must take for you to accept the situation. As you discuss, keep an open mind on the resolution and be prepared to negotiate some form of compromise.