Hi all...reformed lurker who doesn't have all of the abbreviations down pat so please bear with me.
As brief as a history can be and looking forward to questions which will hopefully aid in perspective and healing.
I met my WS 19 years ago as of last Saturday. We were married in 1995. I got the ILOBNINLWY speech in 2009 however he did not want divorce, just needed space. I agreed, things had been rocky and I was as unsure as he was. During our separation I listened carefully to the complaints he had about me, some hit a nerve...some was complete BS. I knew I had some unresolved childhood baggage and took that time to work on myself...I really did believe he was doing the same.
There were moments when I suspected there was someone else but he told me it was just my paranoia. There was one incident in which our D14 (at the time) came home after a weekend with him in which she had been using his phone to take pictures of him (for him) in which she found a picture of a naked girl. When I confronted him, mostly about the carelessness of giving our D his phone to take pics of him with crap like that on there, he told me it was a ONS after getting drunk. He assured me that it was a mistake and would not be repeated...turned out to be a lie as he had been engaged in an A for 4 months prior to our separation. After our D outed him I began to see things that were going on a little differently...guess you could say "hypervigilance." I did not obsess with snooping or all of those other things, I lived by the adage that "the truth will always come out." I knew though...I just did but I continued to work on myself and figured if it was meant to be between us it would. The truth finally did reveal itself 11 months after separation quite by accident. H had been living in our camper during the separation and I was called at the last minute by a gf to help with a kid's fishing rodeo (fishing was one of mine and H's things and we often spent hours doing it). My poles were at the camper and I did try to reach him by phone the day before to pick up my poles (respecting his space) but did not receive answer nor return phone call. He would often go out of town on the weekends and I thought maybe this was the case so I went ahead and drove out to the camper the day of to get the poles...H was outside cleaning his bike and I told him why I was there, got my poles and asked if it would be ok to use the bathroom (respect again) since I had a long drive back...he told me no and when I asked why he just gave me a look which told me all I needed to know. There was no dramatic 3-way confrontation...I asked him to respect me with the truth as I was tired of the lies and had a right to know. He told me she was his soul mate and he was deeply in love with her. What do you do with that??? I let go and filed for divorce.
Life went on...there is a lot of in between here with the fall out of it all, much of it involving the D then 15 and I was too wrapped up in that as well as my own recovery. Around 11/10 he moved to the state where OW lived and within a few weeks of that asked if he could move back into the camper (I was to receive in divorce settlement)as it was not working out with OW. I agreed. Shortly after he moved back he asked if we could have a second chance. I explained that his actions had a devastating effect on our daughter and I was more interested in him working things out with her at that time as she was still struggling with some issues herself. He agreed...our D tried to commit suicide a few months later and this was when things took a turn between him and I as we teamed up in ways we had never before to help our D. Our D was to be final 3/11 and H asked me to halt it. I explained to him that I could not because I was unsure of my ability to trust him completely and I needed more time. I also felt that in light of everything that marriage needed to die. We continued to work with our D and dated...as weird as it may seem I told my husband that I was grateful for the experience. In 2/12 we remarried...happy ending right???
Not so much...several months after we remarried I began to feel a distance from my H...I tried to address it with him but he kept saying there was no problem...actions told a different story...sex life dropped off, quality time...(my #1 need) dropped off, he was obsessed with a FB game and took offense every time I asked him to take some time away from the game and give it to me. In January of this year I approached him and said that it did not seem as though he was happy and asked if he wanted to work on the issues or if he wanted out. He told me that he could not bare to lose me again, that he knew he had been taking me for granted and that he would make changes. It never happened...my frustration with things increased and I began to feel like maybe we had made a mistake. With each request for a date to each cigarette he smoked in the vehicle with me when I asked him to respect that I was trying to quit and not to do so, I withdrew more and more. In April of this year I discovered he had been having an online EA when I received a text that was obviously not meant for me. I confronted him and he denied initially but finally came clean. He agreed to stop talking with her and sent me a fake text in which he supposedly ended it. I found out on Mother's Day that he lied. We separated again but I believed it was to work on things as we began MC....ending our M never crossed my mind and according to him not his either...more lies on his part.
He did end the EA not long after that but not for me evidently...he began talking to his 2nd wife (yup...I'm 3rd & 4th) from 21 years ago. They were married for less than a year...he cheated on her also but I did not know that until much later. He gave me a very different reason for their divorce.
Now here is where it gets a little funky in history. Second wife worked for a national bank in which we had a mortgage through. Back in 2008 I called into bank to discuss something with mortgage and wouldn't you know, the CS was my H ex-wife...it was a friendly convo...I didn't feel any threat whatsoever and we exchanged personal #'s and became friends. She was going through a tough time...her H had been cheating on her with a friend of hers and I was a good listener. When my H and I separated in 2009 she also became a good listener. In time her and her H went into counseling and were trying to work things out and my sitch had escalated so while we talked it wasn't as often as we had been however she was completely aware of how things ended with my 1st marriage and full of happiness and congrats when H and I remarried. Her marriage ended up in divorce and her H moved on with OW.
That part of history out of the way...In June I find out her and my H have been involved in PA...she contacts me contrite, sorry, upset that she did not contact me before allowing herself to become involved (of course he had demonized me to her), blah, blah, blah.... 
I asked her to end things with him and give us a few months in MC to see where it could go in the best interests of all involved...if it didn't work out at least things may be able to end amicably. She agreed and informed H...he FREAKED...sent me so many hateful texts...told me his life was none of my business and he wanted a divorce...
The next morning he texts me to tell me something bad happened and he needed to talk to me...turns out in his upset the night before he went and got drunk and ended up with a DUI...he said he wasn't sure he wanted a divorce and that he really needed me to stick by him through this DUI and he would stop seeing OW and go into counseling...I told him I would agree however he needed to be transparent...passwords, etc. had to be turned over and counseling was required...he agreed but kept finding one reason or another not to follow through...writing on the wall...I retained an attorney to work out official separation agreement which he fought telling me that I was pushing him away, that he was not still involved, blah, blah, blah...I already knew he was lying...I had proof...I just didn't share with him because I knew he would once again try and find someway to tell me what I knew was not true. They never stopped seeing each other...
It took me a little while to save the money for attorney fees and to move since I knew I could no longer stay in our house...more reasons than just his A...it was the emotional abuse...the knowledge that I was being used and I was just plain miserable...I moved several hours away in September. H was begging me not to divorce him...just stay separated and see what happens, etc. I asked him over and over again to come clean about A, he maintained his innocence however consistently disappeared on the weekends claiming that he was with a buddy...I asked him to prove it...he said he didn't need to, if I loved him I would trust and believe in him. UGH...there is still so much in between with emotional abuse...anyway, a few weeks ago he finally decided to come clean...he is in love, she is his soul mate...
I know on an intellectual level I am done with this relationship...I try not to have contact with him but we are still tied in a few financial ways which he refuses to do his part to cut so I am just letting it go...I'm at peace and have been doing things that I enjoy, etc...WHEN THE HELL WILL MY HEART FINALLY GET ON THE SAME PAGE...I feel like some freak of nature that I still feel love for this man...why don't I hate him...he has put me and our family thru hell and walks around all entitled telling everyone I made him unhappy and he has a right to be happy... 
Any and all support desperately needed...thanks for listening...
