Can I start out by saying that my STBX is one big fucking pile of asshole? This motherfucker disparaged me to the kids AGAIN (and AGAIN and AGAIN), and it just never fucking ends. And he keeps saying that he can't pay child support cause he has to pay lawyer fees (his second lawyer just filed a motion to withdraw, I'm guessing cause STBX is so disorganized and unable to figure out how to use a scanner, copier, printer, USB drive, or electrical plug). He also works less than 15 hours a week now, so I'm not sure why he doesn't just get a real fucking job. He also keeps saying how he just can't wait to be divorced from me and how happy he will be to be rid of me and how awesome OW is and how much better she is than me and how much the kids like her more than me, just on and on. I do not respond to that crap, except to once in a while say that his emotional abuse does not have it's intended effect on me anymore, and the judge will again not be pleased with the way he is communicating with me. My L actually told me not to tell him that since it's better for us if he keeps acting like an unreasonable asshole, but guess what? It doesn't fucking matter if I tell him the judge won't like it. The fucker just can't help himself. He just loves abusing the fuck out of me over text and email. And he wonders why I refuse to talk to him in person.. Dumbass..
And guess what else? *I* am the one trying to move this shit along. I filed, I set up both mediations, I set up the depositions, and I've set up our former court date and now our next one coming up. And this whole time he refuses to just fucking negotiate with me. He claims to have spent over $10,000 on attorneys so far. Well I've paid over $14,000, and he won't even talk to me about who gets what fucking couch or TV. He also refuses to discuss how to handle holidays with the children. He's says I'm too "unreasonable." How the fuck can I be unreasonable when I'm asking which fucking way he wants to equally split the holidays?!? I know so many people are given the advice to just let their lawyers handle the divorce, but God I would just love to come to a settlement with this piece of shit so we can get this over with..
For a change of topic, I tried to reach out to my MIL yesterday, and boy was that a mistake.
For a little backstory, STBX and his only full biological sister are from MIL's first husband, a horrible man, a drug addict and prostitute who raped my STBX and let his friends rape him and forced my STBX to do drugs. MIL finally left him when he went to jail for molesting a 5-year-old girl, and he died a few years ago.
While STBX always told me he had a rough childhood, he did not admit the sexual abuse to me until a few days after DDay. He said his mom did not know, so I suggested he tell her, and he did. I wasn't there, but STBX said she wasn't very supportive. MIL claims she was "molested and beaten by her parents far worse than any of us could even imagine."
MIL then married a physically abusive alcoholic, had 2 more sons and a daughter, and he ended up dying of liver disease. I think MIL admits to knowing about some of the physical abuse, but still denies knowing the extent of it.
STBX's real sister is now estranged from the family. She had joined the military and married a black guy, which her mom didn't approve of. Though I tried many times to help all of them improve their communications and relationships, his sister always told me to butt out and that I know nothing and should mind my own business (even though I was now part of the family). I think his sister also resents her mother as my STBX was constantly doing drugs as a young teen and MIL was working and stepfather was drinking, so she felt like she had to be the mom to all the kids (which now totaled 5).
MIL and STBX had a TERRIBLE relationship when I first met them when I was 17. They argued and cussed each other out all the time and were so cruel to each other. I think I was pivitol in helping them begin to respect each other, but their relationship can still be very volatile sometimes. I think STBX holds resentment for his mother for not protecting and helping him more as a child, and I think a lot of his disrespect for women comes from how he saw his mother treated, and the fact that his mother stuck around until her abusive partner was dead or in jail..
When fighting, STBX and his sister have both threatened MIL with never being able to see her grandkids again, and sister is currently making good on that threat.
I do believe MIL favors her other 3 children (STBX's half siblings) over STBX and his sister. I know STBX and his sister went through hell, and I can't imagine having a father as terrible as they had. It would definitely mess with my mind. I hate to say it, but I do think they carry some of his nastier, emotionally abusive traits, and the worst part is that they won't admit it or get help for it. I'm also sad to know that my sons have this horrible man's genes as well..
STBX's half siblings did have an abusive alcoholic for a dad, but they were quite young (the youngest an infant) when he died, and they were raised by MIL's now third husband. He is a decent guy, nice enough, but he did cheat on my MIL and left her for about a year to live with an OW.. He is now back, and they seem to be doing fine..
I think STBX took the brunt of MIL's second husband's anger and violence. He wasn't STBX's real father, and STBX was quite a troublemaker growing up, so I'm sure MIL's second husband treated him horribly.
I probably shouldn't be analyzing his family so much, but I am now seeing cycles of abuse, and I want this shit to end and not come down to my children. My family isn't perfect by any means, but there are no serious issues like the ones STBX has in his FOO, and my parents are still together and very happy.
I think my biggest childhood issue is being molested as a child by one of my brother's friends for about a year. I was told I could not tell anyone or he would do it to my younger sister. I don't even think I knew what he was doing at the time, but I was afraid and did not tell anyone. He ended up leaving town, and I forgot about him and the experiences, but as a teenager I started having nightmares. I then saw my molester when I was 15 in a restaurant and everything came flooding back to me. I told my parents and started getting therapy right away. Getting rid of my nightmares took a long time, but I am happy to be free of them. I don't know if you can ever fully heal from that, but I think I am okay now, other than hating the feeling of being powerless..
I think it probably helps me that it wasn't a family member. I felt so much pity for my ex that it was his father. I just can't imagine. But I am so done letting him use it as an excuse anymore. He refuses to talk to anyone about what happened, and he threatened me to never tell anyone about it.
I now get intensely scared and anxious sometimes that something might be happening to my kids. STBX and I were both molested. I didn't tell anyone until I was 15. STBX didn't tell anyone until he was 34. What if something is happening to them that I should know about but they are afraid to tell me?
The fact that my children knew OW and her kid and hung out with them for over a year without me knowing and were forced to lie about where they were and keep secrets from me makes this all so much worse. STBX REALLY DID force my children to keep secrets from me. Just like his father did. Just like my molester did. My children and I are all in counseling, but my anxiety just won't go away sometimes.
I did have a few good talks with MIL after DDay, but she has now fully taken STBX's side and has welcomed the OW and her kid. There was one time in February that STBX was fighting with MIL and refused to let her see the kids and took all of the kids toys out of her house. She ended up texting me asking if it was all right for her to take them out for a little while. Of course I let her, and I was glad she knew she could come to me if STBX pulled any crap on her, but that was the last time I heard from her. From what the kids tell me, they sometimes go months without seeing her, even though she used to see them almost weekly. I tried many times to tell her that I would never keep the kids from her, and she could always go through me if she wanted, but so often it seems like she doesn't believe me. And I'm betting it's lies that STBX is telling her, telling her things like I don't want her seeing the kids..
MIL had unfriended me on Facebook almost right away after STBX and I separated, but I went ahead and sent her a message yesterday just to see how she was doing and to say that with the holidays coming up, I was missing the family I once had. I really do miss spending time with STBX's parents and siblings.. But OMG was she a bitch. She just ripped me a new one, and it was all lies that STBX had told her. I tried to defend myself, but she wouldn't have it. I had never blocked anyone on Facebook before, but his whole family got blocked today. I've tried time and again to keep a relationship with them so they could feel comfortable contacting me about the kids and I could invite them to school plays and whatnot, but I'm tired of her constant bitching me out and believing STBX's lies about me. I think before I always pitied her for how men treated her over her life, but I'm starting to get really pissed that she didn't stand up for her children and get them out of those hellish situations. I realize it might not have been easy with 5 children, but I wouldn't stay with any man that hurt my kids. I think I hit a turning point today, and honestly, I don't want to be her fucking friend anymore. She can be just as emotionally abusive as STBX, and I don't need that crap in my life. All the lies and deflections and mindfucks and gas lighting and craziness. It's fucking exhausting, and I'm done.
And to top off my wonderful day, I found out tonight that OW refriended my 10-year-old son on Facebook yesterday (she first friended him about 2 years ago and then deleted him right after Dday). I did keep an eye on his friend list over the years, but he said she was a friend of STBX's brother who liked the same game he did.
DS10 knows he is only supposed to use Facebook for games and to never look at the wall feature, but STBX has written to him many times on the wall and expected a response, which I have told him is unacceptable. So tonight was my first time being able to look at her Facebook, and the stupid bitch has all these picture quotes with cursing all over them and some shirtless pics of this stupid back tattoo she has and is showing side boob.
DS10 likes this Marvel game you can play on Facebook, and it's better if you have teammates, etc. When researching credit card charges after Dday, STBX spent over $300 in 2 months on that stupid game for him, DS10, OW, and OW's kid..
After D-Day, OW quickly unfriended herself from STBX and DS10, but I could tell they had been friends because she was still in his Marvel team, and you can only do that if you had been friends at one point..
Well today I go on DS10's Facebook to send myself a ticket in Candy Crush (embarassing, I know), and what do I happen to see but the bitch OW and DS10 are now friends again as of yesterday. I actually looked through his activity log and could tell exactly when they friended each other.
I don't even really agree with kids being on Facebook, but we had been allowing it just for the games. But now I'm so very tempted to delete his account. I think you are supposed to be 18 to have a Facebook anyway. I mentioned to DS10 tonight that he might get in trouble for being on Facebook since he's not 18, but he got really pissed and mad and was saying how much awesome stuff he was going to lose that he had been working hard to get if we delete his profile.
I really wanted to write OW, "Hey slut. Perhaps you shouldn't be cursing every other post or showing your tits on Facebook if you're going to friend a 10-year-old. You can have my husband. He's all yours. BUT STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY KIDS."
Or I wanted to write to STBX, "You should really monitor DS10's Facebook activity when he's over there. He just friended some stripper who can't stop cursing and has one of her tits hanging out."
What I really did was just hide OW from his timeline for now so that he can't accidentally see anything.. I don't know what to do next..
