My d-day was on August 6; here is a letter I left for my wife yesterday that lets you know the mindset I am in and where we are with our recovery. Input appreciated.
****
From the day I discovered your affair I have owned up to my problems in the marriage. Over the last few years I have distanced myself from you, did not give you the attention that a loving, fun, beautiful woman such as you deserves. I stopped communicating with you about anything of deep importance. I even stopped being your friend, and spending quality time with you. I’m obviously not proud of that; shame on me. I think we both agree that we were poor communicators and never revealed our true feelings to each other. We are both complicit with the problems in our marriage, but I am willing to accept blame for half, and even more than half, of the emotional emptiness in it.
However, you also need to know I don’t own up to the affair—-at all. That is on you, and on your conscience, not mine. I hope you feel a deep sense of shame for what you did, because no matter what shape our marriage was in—and it was certainly not terrible and beyond repair—it did not justify an affair. My emotional distancing is not something I’m proud of, but it’s something that happens in many, perhaps even most, long-term marriages, and it could have been resolved with honest, direct communication, marriage counseling, or even reading a book like The Love Languages together. What it did not deserve was the most hurtful experience I have ever gone through in my life—a bitter betrayal by a person whom I thought would never hurt or betray me, a woman who took sacred marriage vows to stay with me in richer and poorer. And then broke those vows.
The affair was not the result of anything I did, or did not do, as a husband. It was the result of a selfish, weak decision, a disgusting, manipulative man, and as I’ve come to understand, something flawed inside you.
You told me once that the affair could have as easily have happened to me. I’m sorry, but I don’t agree, nor do I agree that everyone is susceptible to an affair. I have had chances, on the road when no evidence would be found, and have never strayed. I myself knew we did not have a great, loving marriage, but I did not choose to look outside of it for relief. Many other people in marriages similar or worse than ours chose not to stray, either. You did. Something inside you allowed you to make that leap. I now believe it’s because you have deep self-esteem issues and require external validation to feel good about yourself. When after 17 years of marriage, and 20 years of being together, I was not providing that validation, you looked for it somewhere else. That does not make what you did right; it was wrong and selfish. But it also was the result of something in your character that you could not identify or control without deep introspection and therapy.
No one is perfect, *****. That you have this urgent need to be needed and validated is part of the whole you that I love, and we can work on it together. I can be the man that fills your need. I want to be the person you turn to be loved, wanted, and needed. Now that we know what went wrong, we can make sure you never need to turn to someone else ever again. And we can make sure you find other things in your life that give you a meaningful outlet so that you don’t need someone else’s attention to make you feel valued. You can find that within you, and be comfortable in your own skin.
But I need you to be honest and open and communicative. I had no idea you were empty enough to be so susceptible to an affair. I am doing my best to make you happy, and for the rest of our life together I promise that I will do all I can to make you feel loved, and wanted, and appreciated—something I should have been doing all along. But in the end you have to let me know if you’re feeling otherwise. Believe me when I tell you that I did know how empty you were last summer. I can’t know if you’re feeling sad and alone; when you were playing “**** homemaker” last year and putting on a smile every day and going to work last Fall and Spring, I assumed you were okay. It’s unfair to think I can somehow interpret how you are feeling—you, like me, need to communicate when things both are and aren’t going well. You need to tell me like it is.
More than that, and beyond what I will bring to the marriage, you have to be strong. I cannot take another affair; I cannot take any further slip-ups with this guy, or another man, ever again. You have to be vigilant and not allow yourself to get too close with “friendly” men who give you flattery and attention. Whether you believe it or not, you are an attractive woman with a nice body, and you are friendly and receptive to the attention of others, so there will be other chances. That attention may come from another teacher, a parent of a child you are helping, a male runner you befriend, or any number of other places. It’s up to you how you will react.
Believe me when I say that another affair will break me. Because of the affair I have suffered panic attacks and lost weight; I have been unable to concentrate at work and suffered poor job performance. I have lost some joy in our children and have become more pessimistic about people in general. It has made me feel worthless as a human being. And then, after discovering the betrayal and dealing with the shock and all those hurtful feelings, I had the double insult of listening to you try to defend him. When I told you about his hateful comments to me you said “it didn’t change anything.” I was forced to endure you saying how “special” it was, and your need for closure through your ridiculous affair-fogged lenses, never admitting—until now—that it was all a disgusting, empty, lie, and a catastrophe that could have been much worse. I can’t say enough how hurtful it was to have to endure this kind of talk, which I now recognize as you withdrawing from the addiction of attention.
I have turned a corner on most of these feelings and I know now that I won’t put up with any more of this garbage; I don’t deserve it. I deserve love and respect from a woman who respects me, not deception and betrayal. I’m a strong and kind man with a lot to offer, and I hope you appreciate what you have.
I can’t make you do anything, or make you behave a certain way; it’s up to you, not me, if you want to be faithful and live the rest of your life with me, and respect me as an individual in good times and in bad. Needless to say I was not treated with anything resembling respect or love for the past year. I was humiliated by a couple of selfish, childish people behaving very badly, and betrayed by the one person I trusted most in my life. But I am willing to move past that, because I love you, I have always loved you, and both we and our family deserve a second chance. This affair does not define who you are; it was a terrible mistake that involved a destructive series of lies for a year, but I know you are better than that. Don’t let it define you; move on and be a better person. OK?
I love you,
****
