Hi bionicgal...good to hear from you.
I think there probably isn't a black and white answer. MCs aren't in the morality business -- they want the best for the couple sitting in front of them.
I am torn on this. Adultery is morally wrong....this is not blakesteele arbitrarily assigning moral value to this, it is a fact....right?
There are also health risks involved...and, in my case (and many others) no condoms were used, my wife was not on birth control, and she was having sex with both of us during her affair.
I also agree a good MC wants the best for the couple in front of them....and that could be D or R. But isnt honesty and exposing the acute affliction that adultery is to all "adults" involved what is best for the couple sitting in MC?
If the other BS is a "boil your bunny" type of person...is that our burden of risk to bear? Is this risk not there anyway? Just by NOT communicating the facts we know to the other BS does not eliminate the risk of this scenario playing out.
Could my wifes AP not have turned out to be a "player" and instead could have been so attached to my wife that he harrassed me or our girls?
Adultery is filled with "unknown quantities". I think we all agree that until truths are "known"...real healing, real growth, real maturing is impossible (or at least severly hindered).
To be sure I am grateful in my specific case that STD's, pregnancies, sociopathic personalities are NOT part of my mix. The fact is, all of these were a risk my wife brought into our M....it was not by any of my doing.
I am bias, I still have moments thinking the cross that I must bare is "not fair". So I conceed my strong feelings to alert the other BS are coming from this perspective.
Truthfully, in my situation....my wifes AP is onto another woman....and his wife is allowing this. I have no desire to reach out to his wife. I have no desire to fill her in on the fact that my wife had sex with her husband....at the time of my contacting her my facts only corroberated "their" story that it had been "just and EA". I did mention to his wife that I have no proof that our spouses had sex with each other, but that the emails were so erotic in nature I suspected physical activity was a part of their affair.
I have since learned multiple unprotected sex acts were engaged in. Since my wifes STD tests were all negative I did not see the need to contact his wife again.
Had my wife tested positive I would have conveyed that information to his wife. I am so thankful for this aspect of my journey....what are the odds of two mid-life aged people who committ adultery to be STD free? I have since learned my wife was not his first and he has another woman now....increasing the odds of STD's being present.
I am in a bit of a tough spot right now....shared a lot more on this post then my original question put out there.
Thanks to all who chimed in.
I think at the end of the day MC are people too. And just like medical doctors, you can get one that resonates and helps you or you get one that is just mediocre. We, unfortunately, got a mediocre MC.
Truthfully....not really all her fault. We transitioned to her and never formally engaged her on her skills with infidelity. She is not a specialist in this type of counseling...she is more of a family counselor.
From what I see here on SI, those couples who are really benefiting from MC are with an infidelity specialist....not a general grief, family counselor. Our counselor was outstanding with regards to her working with me on anxiety issues...had 3 sessions with her BEFORE my DD. After DD my anxiety seemed like childs play.....aaahhhhh the good old days!
God be with us all.