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How do you handle the depression that comes on from constantly feeling like you are still missing things in life that would help in recovery and are so simple to see after the fact. I am not talking about bad decisions like cheating. Just smaller things like recognizing the importance of a specific date or recognizing triggers to your BS. It just seems like no matter how hard I try and how focused I feel I am I still continue to fail.

From your A you've added extra responsibilities to your daily life. These would not have been an issue if the A never happened. You need to step up and do something with these important dates so they won't be forgotten next year. You need to be aware of what may cause a trigger and rethink your action. This is how you deal with the depression. Make a conscious effort in stopping things from happening and think of a positive outcome down the road. The depression is more anger at yourself for doing dumb things.

Hi Islesguy

Sorry, but everyone's triggers are different and sometimes what triggers a BS one time doesn't fizz them the next and something that normally trigger us, doesn't. It just isn't consistent.

That's the story of our ride - rollercoaster, is the best way to describe it. All I can say is - try to be there for her whenever she needs you. She will probably tell you what she needs you to do....stay away, hang around the vicinity, hold her. Everytime is different. Just let her know no matter what, you love her and you are there for her when she is ready to talk, kiss, cuddle whatever she needs. If you are remorseful, honest and loving then you are on the right track. Time is the only thing that is going to make it easier and time is such a slow thing when we are trying to forget, recover or move on.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 11:51 AM, November 14th (Thursday)]

I'd suggest picking up the book, "Fall In Love, Stay In Love", by Dr. Willard Harley, Jr.

Great book that combines 3 of his previous books into a more compact version. Great for jump starting marital recovery, even from the depths of infidelity.

You just don't know what you don't know yet....

Recognizing and acknowledging important dates:

Easy.

Get a calendar, or set up your phone or tablet or whatever. Mark important dates. Set it up so that you get an email or a text reminder. If you're really bad at following through (some people are, not beating on you here) -- set up a series of reminders -- one week ahead, three days ahead, day before.

Acknowledging: Write a note, get a card, buy a little gift, flowers, whatever...saying something like, I know this must be a really hard day for you. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I love you. (try to write something at least a little different each time)

My FWH was terrible at this. He said, well, if I do all that with a calendar, it's not sincere and authentic and spontaneous. My response, what I want is *recognition*. What I want is *effort*.

You know what the dates are -- look at your timeline.

It's also nice to do these things "just because". Send a text, stick a note in your BS's lunch bag or briefcase...

Send her the link to her favorite song on youtube.

Do a chore that she really hates without being asked and without pointing out that you did it. Even better if it's a chore you hate too. I'd forgive a lot if someone mopped my kitchen floor every Saturday morning. Seriously -- put it in your calendar to do it.

Put in your calendar at least once a week: send note, text, or song to my BS today.

StrongerOne beat me to it! The calendar is a great idea. You could do it on a tablet, or on a wall calendar. The wall calendar might be good because then it is there for both you and your wife to see, in communal eyes and not hidden away.

It could be D-Days, Anniversaries and Antiversaries of big things that happened during the A. It could also be notes about certain holidays or special days and triggers associated with those. Sometimes celebrations can be some of the hardest dates.

Keep working on it. Build new habits. It will become more familiar in time.

Islesguy

It's refreshing to see how much you care.

As a new BS you make me realize how difficult it is for both sides.

For me triggers are not consistent. And at one moment I think I can handle a event or occasion and the next I'm in pieces.

Just having my WS talk to me and be present helps.

I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. The best thing you have is yourself. You can always be better. The suffering of the mind is the worst kind of suffering. It causes suffering to those we love. Please try meditation. It quiets the mind. We can lessen the noise from those dark voices in our head. It will give us moments when we can see clearly. It will give us moments of peace. These small moments make a big difference to our mental health. I wish you peace, goodwill and good health.